Back in the early 80s there was a static station on our newly installed cable television, it was station 6, no one ever watched it, they ran times new roman ads for things like the Knights of Columbus, the schools, the DARE program. It was an early electronic community bulletin board of sorts. They played music in the background, people could call in for requests and dedications. And I did. Oh boy I did. I remember calling them and asking them to play Material Girl over and over. There were also repeated requests/demands for U2 and Duran Duran. I absolutely remember getting pissed when the line was busy.
I also remember once a boy who liked me got thru and dedicated Shooting Star by Bad Company to me. I swooned. I can still think back to that tingly OMH HE LIKES ME, ME! OMG.
Remember when people put songs in the background to the recorded message on an answering machine? A friend of mine had It Takes Two by Kris Kross on his for the LONGEST time.
I remember loves and mistakes of my unwritten past, laying next to them listening to David Allan Boucher from Mix 106.7, those late night love song ballards. Those songs spoke everything we were longing to say to each other and multidudes more. The anticipation of the next song was something fun to look forward to. Hot sweaty summer nights on a deck and nothing but the music and sounds of sweet words and soft lullabies. Listening to the dedications, the DJ's side note editorials about life and love in that deep sexy Barry White voice that was made for radio.
I don't listen to the radio much anymore. I lost my love with radio when I moved to SD, there was one morning talk show I liked and little else. For so long it's my ipod or sirius. The island has some pretty decent stations; so far they are a million times better than anything I heard in SD. I wonder if there is something still live on air here that will bring me back to that time? When a simple song dedication was the clearest and easiest way to send a message with a song. What a lost and lovely art.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Slowing down and skipping the light fandango
It is so nice to slow down in every single aspect of my life. Having been on a 20 year whirlwind fast forward (there being European cities I have visited that I have negative recollection of), this slow down is much warranted and very welcome. It's really nice to feel good about myself. I have not had this much good honest consistency for the longest time.
I used to think the light of my fandango fantastic life was never going to stop. I never held on to much because I could always get it again, I was the opposite of mindful. I remember once in a therapy type situation someone sharing about a friend of theirs who would always exclaim when on vacation or visiting a new place "OMG I CAN"T WAIT TO COME HERE AGAIN". Not much wrong with falling in love instantly with some of the beautiful things that Mother Nature throws our way, the problem with that statement was that the exclaimer hardly ever visited any of the places she most ardently wanted to get back to. She skipped over so many magical and wonderful moments. Never smelling the roses because there was always tomorrow and 100 even sweeter roses.
I was just like that. Always waiting for the next time. Next time every thing will be different and it will better for sure. I damn near lost myself trying to achieve a really super good time, next time. After giving California 3 years 3 months and 21 days (oh that sneaking number 3 and all of it's many denominators) which felt like a never ending eternity of loneliness. My mom's trips were often partially fast forwarded because there was always the next trip I would beg and plead with her to take. Come back and save me from myself. Sporadic times with friends were mostly half hearted efforts because there was always next time and it would be super great. Um, duh I was never ever giving today a chance. I didn't smell any roses, I drove over any roses in my direct line of site, repeatedly as I drove home from work angry and frantic each day. Every single day rushing home to sit anxious and alone on my couch to wait for tomorrow. Resenting my wonderful and loving dog because she needed to be walked each morning and each night. Giving up at work because I worked at company full of circle talkers and people who resented my organizational skills, in fact they made fun of them. I gave up on the one thing that I always had, the thing that I was always guaranteed to gain solid honest self worthiness from. I gave up so much in trying to find myself. So much was skipped over waiting for tomorrow when everything was going to be better, ok, right, happy and fun. Tomorrow.
One particular thing that used to kill me about my mental mind fucking routine of the past few years was all the rushing. I rushed EVERYTHING. I needed/wanted/demanded whatever item/person/challenge/obstacle/drama was MINE, ALL MINE, to create/own/oversee/manage/live. Oh yes I was always RIGHT. Talk about a dichotomy of mind fuckery at it's glory. Off on, off on. Katy Perry nailed me in Hot and Cold so my best friend once told me. We were joking in our usual witty sarcastic way, he was DEAD ON though and it stuck in my mind. Nothing was ever good. There were no tomorrows. I dreaded everything, every single moment. I over thought, I over did, I over compensated, over expected, could have easily over dosed and stopped the pain of waking tomorrow (remember the tomorrow I most ardently craved and was rushing to?). Those tomorrows almost did me in. I could be over the moon floating on air and then fall off my moon cloud most ungracefully in a matter of moments. I missed so much of my own life rushing home to resent one of my greatest loves ever. I flew past you on the highway so not to wait one single second for someone to get in MY way. I shopped and cooked and honed my culinary skills, but loneliness was my only dinner companion. Even when I was out with someone else, person A, B, or C, loneliness and misery were still sitting next to me ordering the special.
It's such an easy way of life here and I no longer feel the rushy rush pressure of myself or anyone else. I love what I am feeling from head to toe. I love losing weight without even thinking about it. I LOVE not hating myself in a bathing suit. I'm not faking floating on fake air with fake people these days. I'm not trying to fit in with anyone or anything. I've met some really amazing people who contribute directly to the real greater good; I've finally found honest interesting caring people and a culture where I'm not scared to be me. I'm not hiding anything from others or myself. I love floating in the ocean here; I feel like the mermaid who took Neptune for a ride, in fact maybe she's me. I feel a peace growing, albeit slowly and way more maturely. There is no goddamn way in hell I am going back to hell ever again. I will never ever allow my mind to eat itself. No more Hanibal Lectoring myself. I am feeling demons guilt and haunt leave me. There is no comfort in that depressed dark place I used to call home. The slow release of the hell and hate makes my mornings happy, my walks with Gert are now one of the best parts of each day for me.
I like what this island is doing to me. I'm not rushing anymore. I feel an open sky, a super high ceiling and no rush to find tomorrow. I'm listening (and learning so much!) and praying and breathing and eating and enjoying. I drive cautiously and respectfully. Life here is happening all around me and I have no desire or pull to skip out on my own life in search of that expectation filled tomorrow. I love slowly washing the dishes while gazing across a blue green sea with Buck Island about 1/2 mile away. I love my proximity to nature of all kinds, plants, animals and views oh my! I love having people to have lunch with, grab a coffee with, have conversation with. I missed these small little social happenings so much. Baby steps (Thank you Dr. Marvin) towards a quieter happier me. Definitely not hating tomorrow, not scared of it, no dread or knots in my tummy. The no need to rush for anything mantra is starting to create a little private beat in my head. There is no screaming though; no desire to over run or over write myself. I'm not competing with empty promises to myself and others and I'm hard pressed to allow the thought of losing this strength.
It feels so good to write and think and create again. Being on farms, around lots of animals, getting dirty and sweaty while praising and sustaining the good earth below my feet, having direct contact with everything from 1 inch baby lizards to gorgeous thoroughbred horses who loving roam free at an eco-camp I might be spending lots of time at hopefully in the direct near future. Ahhhh sustainable living, Eating what you grow right outside the back door; taking only what you need from mother earth. No hating, no hurting, the evil dichotomy of me has ceased to run the show. Frantic is not on this island. No way is she allowed in, I told customs keep crazy away from these shores. I have no desire to step back into that dark misery ball my life turned into. None zilch zero. I'm really not lying to myself anymore. There is no absolutely no reason to rush tomorrow and the truth is very plain for me to see. I hated who I was and I'm no longer of who I am. I don't hate me anymore, not by a long shot.
A Whiter Shade of Pale
Brooker / Fisher / Reid of Procol Harum
We skipped the light fandangoturned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died
If music be the food of love
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
I used to think the light of my fandango fantastic life was never going to stop. I never held on to much because I could always get it again, I was the opposite of mindful. I remember once in a therapy type situation someone sharing about a friend of theirs who would always exclaim when on vacation or visiting a new place "OMG I CAN"T WAIT TO COME HERE AGAIN". Not much wrong with falling in love instantly with some of the beautiful things that Mother Nature throws our way, the problem with that statement was that the exclaimer hardly ever visited any of the places she most ardently wanted to get back to. She skipped over so many magical and wonderful moments. Never smelling the roses because there was always tomorrow and 100 even sweeter roses.
I was just like that. Always waiting for the next time. Next time every thing will be different and it will better for sure. I damn near lost myself trying to achieve a really super good time, next time. After giving California 3 years 3 months and 21 days (oh that sneaking number 3 and all of it's many denominators) which felt like a never ending eternity of loneliness. My mom's trips were often partially fast forwarded because there was always the next trip I would beg and plead with her to take. Come back and save me from myself. Sporadic times with friends were mostly half hearted efforts because there was always next time and it would be super great. Um, duh I was never ever giving today a chance. I didn't smell any roses, I drove over any roses in my direct line of site, repeatedly as I drove home from work angry and frantic each day. Every single day rushing home to sit anxious and alone on my couch to wait for tomorrow. Resenting my wonderful and loving dog because she needed to be walked each morning and each night. Giving up at work because I worked at company full of circle talkers and people who resented my organizational skills, in fact they made fun of them. I gave up on the one thing that I always had, the thing that I was always guaranteed to gain solid honest self worthiness from. I gave up so much in trying to find myself. So much was skipped over waiting for tomorrow when everything was going to be better, ok, right, happy and fun. Tomorrow.
One particular thing that used to kill me about my mental mind fucking routine of the past few years was all the rushing. I rushed EVERYTHING. I needed/wanted/demanded whatever item/person/challenge/obstacle/drama was MINE, ALL MINE, to create/own/oversee/manage/live. Oh yes I was always RIGHT. Talk about a dichotomy of mind fuckery at it's glory. Off on, off on. Katy Perry nailed me in Hot and Cold so my best friend once told me. We were joking in our usual witty sarcastic way, he was DEAD ON though and it stuck in my mind. Nothing was ever good. There were no tomorrows. I dreaded everything, every single moment. I over thought, I over did, I over compensated, over expected, could have easily over dosed and stopped the pain of waking tomorrow (remember the tomorrow I most ardently craved and was rushing to?). Those tomorrows almost did me in. I could be over the moon floating on air and then fall off my moon cloud most ungracefully in a matter of moments. I missed so much of my own life rushing home to resent one of my greatest loves ever. I flew past you on the highway so not to wait one single second for someone to get in MY way. I shopped and cooked and honed my culinary skills, but loneliness was my only dinner companion. Even when I was out with someone else, person A, B, or C, loneliness and misery were still sitting next to me ordering the special.
It's such an easy way of life here and I no longer feel the rushy rush pressure of myself or anyone else. I love what I am feeling from head to toe. I love losing weight without even thinking about it. I LOVE not hating myself in a bathing suit. I'm not faking floating on fake air with fake people these days. I'm not trying to fit in with anyone or anything. I've met some really amazing people who contribute directly to the real greater good; I've finally found honest interesting caring people and a culture where I'm not scared to be me. I'm not hiding anything from others or myself. I love floating in the ocean here; I feel like the mermaid who took Neptune for a ride, in fact maybe she's me. I feel a peace growing, albeit slowly and way more maturely. There is no goddamn way in hell I am going back to hell ever again. I will never ever allow my mind to eat itself. No more Hanibal Lectoring myself. I am feeling demons guilt and haunt leave me. There is no comfort in that depressed dark place I used to call home. The slow release of the hell and hate makes my mornings happy, my walks with Gert are now one of the best parts of each day for me.
I like what this island is doing to me. I'm not rushing anymore. I feel an open sky, a super high ceiling and no rush to find tomorrow. I'm listening (and learning so much!) and praying and breathing and eating and enjoying. I drive cautiously and respectfully. Life here is happening all around me and I have no desire or pull to skip out on my own life in search of that expectation filled tomorrow. I love slowly washing the dishes while gazing across a blue green sea with Buck Island about 1/2 mile away. I love my proximity to nature of all kinds, plants, animals and views oh my! I love having people to have lunch with, grab a coffee with, have conversation with. I missed these small little social happenings so much. Baby steps (Thank you Dr. Marvin) towards a quieter happier me. Definitely not hating tomorrow, not scared of it, no dread or knots in my tummy. The no need to rush for anything mantra is starting to create a little private beat in my head. There is no screaming though; no desire to over run or over write myself. I'm not competing with empty promises to myself and others and I'm hard pressed to allow the thought of losing this strength.
It feels so good to write and think and create again. Being on farms, around lots of animals, getting dirty and sweaty while praising and sustaining the good earth below my feet, having direct contact with everything from 1 inch baby lizards to gorgeous thoroughbred horses who loving roam free at an eco-camp I might be spending lots of time at hopefully in the direct near future. Ahhhh sustainable living, Eating what you grow right outside the back door; taking only what you need from mother earth. No hating, no hurting, the evil dichotomy of me has ceased to run the show. Frantic is not on this island. No way is she allowed in, I told customs keep crazy away from these shores. I have no desire to step back into that dark misery ball my life turned into. None zilch zero. I'm really not lying to myself anymore. There is no absolutely no reason to rush tomorrow and the truth is very plain for me to see. I hated who I was and I'm no longer of who I am. I don't hate me anymore, not by a long shot.
A Whiter Shade of Pale
Brooker / Fisher / Reid of Procol Harum
We skipped the light fandangoturned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died
If music be the food of love
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
Friday, June 10, 2011
Islands in the stream
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
Something is happening in my brain and it doesn’t suck. There is some type of soft and gentle peace that is absolutely conquering the twisted and dark thoughts that usually win by a hundred fold each hour. I’m finding it impossible to not be mindful here. Yes everything is new, but it’s more than just that. I’m not beating myself up as much. My brain isn’t eating itself this week. It’s Thursday and no mental meltdowns. None inside my head nor outside. This is rare. This hasn’t happened in a long time, mostly because I have been trying to force it to happen. So many times throughout my depression, super high omg I feel better, something good just happened and I feel great. And when WHAM whatever good that I imagined or hoped for turned out to be something completely different from what I expected. Always on opposite ends of whatever string of insanity I spun in my head. I have impossibly high expectations of myself and others. Way higher than the average person, I expect the best of myself and everyone around me. I want the best for everyone. This turns my head into a boatload of nonsense. I need to rephrase my own thinking again. Rinse lather repeat of my life.
At night there are frogs everywhere mating. They are very loud and I wish I had some jumping jack fire crackers because I’d be sitting on the patio throwing them. In my head I am. Die frogs die. The mosquitos are mother fuckers. They do not fly away when you swat, they are all Harry Potter during a Quidditch match stealth. I am their golden snitch and they will flight to the death to taste me. There are lots of bugs here and little reptiles of all sorts. Lots of birds, the hummingbirds being the coolest, I’ve seen one nest so far. The nests are made of spiders webs. I love the lush and natural beauty of the island. We live on the East side of the island, on the West side the weather is more tropical, there is a rainforest section with a dam at the top of a small mountain. A creek runs down the mountain and you can swim in the small clear pools which gather sporadically at intervals. There are flowers here and there, I’m told they will bloom over and over all year, not much of changing seasons here. We have had mucho rain, lots and lots and lots. My mom and I planted some seeds today, I can’t wait for our plants and flowers to grow grow grow.
So far what I love best is the slow easy pace. I like having to drive into town, I like the little mom and pop at tne end of our road. We live far out up a remote road which turns to a steep dirt road, perfect for the Jeep and definitely not a road one would ever rush up or down. A ride to the nearest town takes about 20 minutes. There we check the mail, visit the bank or the hardware store; grab lunch or visit the bookstore. A small mom and pop grocery store is also there, it’s definitely a Cheers sort of place. Everything is expensive here, it all comes via boat. The big store for everything is Kmart. There is nothing like a Nordys or even a decent thrift store. No Newbury Street or Hillcrest to purchase gifts for my closet to cherish. I’ve come to see how trips to the mainland will mean the world to me in the future. I put on heels the other day while unpacking. I miss my sexy shoes. Maybe I will finally learn to come around with the online shopping. Right now shopping is the least of my concerns, plus my closet is chock full of kick ass clothes in every variety that no one here has ever seen. Oh I love that. It’s a bit like a whole new wardrobe and that makes me smile. Clothes whore for life. Absolutely. My hair is turning a super pretty color from the sun; I will save my cuts for the mainland and I’m not going to mind, no need for highlights anymore, I have 12 guaranteed hours a day of sun to do that.
Making peace with others used to scare the shit out of me, but after I did it I was so grateful for the real and true friendships that survived. I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I am so all over the place at times, I don’t want to be friends with myself. It’s a bit overwhelming to fathom how many times I have berated myself for not being a good enough friend. I was caught in a web of my own self destruction for the past few years. Not many friendships have started and survived for me over the past few years. There are scant few. The deep dark well of depression had me dark and buried deep in her well of self hate. My brain floated in that deep black well water, my membranes screamed with migraine, they needed rescue from the drowning ruminating words. There was no longer alcohol to wash away depression’s happy grasp of my brain. While high on the well water of hell I hurt before anyone could hurt me; I laughed when I should have cried and turned anything real into a monster of a ball.
So today it’s nice to see I have sailed away from that a bit. I’m no longer thirstily or greedily drinking the depression water. I’m not taking comfort in any sort of pain and I’m not taxing myself or my brain the way I had been. I’m reading and yay writing. I’m translating and taking pictures. I’m breathing and smiling. Not fake smiling, real smiling. No games to play here, no second guessing. I’m not scared of screwing up because no one cares here. There are no deadlines for anything. I do not have a mental brick wall built around my head or my heart anymore. I built that wall instead of giving up on myself. I guess it served a purpose and damn it felt good to crash it down. All things come full circle no matter what in some way or another. Today I’m grateful my circle is rounding out on a time of love and life and laughter. It feels good to be me today and I really like that. Very much.
I'm still gun shy about putting myself out there. Baby steps for sure on that. Where is Dr. Marvin when one needs him? PAGING DR LEO MARVIN, hello come save me from myself. Tomorrow we are going to work on a family friend's farm, I'm really looking forward to some honest hard farm work, nothing like for the body soul and mind. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I meet some peeps with horses. Oh to be able to ride again, the freedom it gives me is nothing else. Best drug ever, horseback riding. Damn good exercise as well. Carrying the little dog up the mountain every morning is starting to pay off in my arms. With all the mountain walking and heat losing weight is so easy right now. It feels so good to be able to look at myself in the mirror. When I don't I know I'm unhappy with everything, mostly me.
For the first time in so long I have so much to look forward to and way less to dread. It's a nice easy feeling, peaceful in my head. We'll see We shall see.
Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin' going on
You do something to me that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got somethin' goin' on
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
I can't live without you if the love was gone
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
And you did walk in tonight
Slowly loosen' sight of the real thing
But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and we got no way out
And the message is clear
This could be the year for the real thing
No more will you cry
Baby, I will hurt you never
We start and end as one, in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Sail away
Oh, come sail away with me
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
~ Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Something is happening in my brain and it doesn’t suck. There is some type of soft and gentle peace that is absolutely conquering the twisted and dark thoughts that usually win by a hundred fold each hour. I’m finding it impossible to not be mindful here. Yes everything is new, but it’s more than just that. I’m not beating myself up as much. My brain isn’t eating itself this week. It’s Thursday and no mental meltdowns. None inside my head nor outside. This is rare. This hasn’t happened in a long time, mostly because I have been trying to force it to happen. So many times throughout my depression, super high omg I feel better, something good just happened and I feel great. And when WHAM whatever good that I imagined or hoped for turned out to be something completely different from what I expected. Always on opposite ends of whatever string of insanity I spun in my head. I have impossibly high expectations of myself and others. Way higher than the average person, I expect the best of myself and everyone around me. I want the best for everyone. This turns my head into a boatload of nonsense. I need to rephrase my own thinking again. Rinse lather repeat of my life.
At night there are frogs everywhere mating. They are very loud and I wish I had some jumping jack fire crackers because I’d be sitting on the patio throwing them. In my head I am. Die frogs die. The mosquitos are mother fuckers. They do not fly away when you swat, they are all Harry Potter during a Quidditch match stealth. I am their golden snitch and they will flight to the death to taste me. There are lots of bugs here and little reptiles of all sorts. Lots of birds, the hummingbirds being the coolest, I’ve seen one nest so far. The nests are made of spiders webs. I love the lush and natural beauty of the island. We live on the East side of the island, on the West side the weather is more tropical, there is a rainforest section with a dam at the top of a small mountain. A creek runs down the mountain and you can swim in the small clear pools which gather sporadically at intervals. There are flowers here and there, I’m told they will bloom over and over all year, not much of changing seasons here. We have had mucho rain, lots and lots and lots. My mom and I planted some seeds today, I can’t wait for our plants and flowers to grow grow grow.
So far what I love best is the slow easy pace. I like having to drive into town, I like the little mom and pop at tne end of our road. We live far out up a remote road which turns to a steep dirt road, perfect for the Jeep and definitely not a road one would ever rush up or down. A ride to the nearest town takes about 20 minutes. There we check the mail, visit the bank or the hardware store; grab lunch or visit the bookstore. A small mom and pop grocery store is also there, it’s definitely a Cheers sort of place. Everything is expensive here, it all comes via boat. The big store for everything is Kmart. There is nothing like a Nordys or even a decent thrift store. No Newbury Street or Hillcrest to purchase gifts for my closet to cherish. I’ve come to see how trips to the mainland will mean the world to me in the future. I put on heels the other day while unpacking. I miss my sexy shoes. Maybe I will finally learn to come around with the online shopping. Right now shopping is the least of my concerns, plus my closet is chock full of kick ass clothes in every variety that no one here has ever seen. Oh I love that. It’s a bit like a whole new wardrobe and that makes me smile. Clothes whore for life. Absolutely. My hair is turning a super pretty color from the sun; I will save my cuts for the mainland and I’m not going to mind, no need for highlights anymore, I have 12 guaranteed hours a day of sun to do that.
Making peace with others used to scare the shit out of me, but after I did it I was so grateful for the real and true friendships that survived. I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I am so all over the place at times, I don’t want to be friends with myself. It’s a bit overwhelming to fathom how many times I have berated myself for not being a good enough friend. I was caught in a web of my own self destruction for the past few years. Not many friendships have started and survived for me over the past few years. There are scant few. The deep dark well of depression had me dark and buried deep in her well of self hate. My brain floated in that deep black well water, my membranes screamed with migraine, they needed rescue from the drowning ruminating words. There was no longer alcohol to wash away depression’s happy grasp of my brain. While high on the well water of hell I hurt before anyone could hurt me; I laughed when I should have cried and turned anything real into a monster of a ball.
So today it’s nice to see I have sailed away from that a bit. I’m no longer thirstily or greedily drinking the depression water. I’m not taking comfort in any sort of pain and I’m not taxing myself or my brain the way I had been. I’m reading and yay writing. I’m translating and taking pictures. I’m breathing and smiling. Not fake smiling, real smiling. No games to play here, no second guessing. I’m not scared of screwing up because no one cares here. There are no deadlines for anything. I do not have a mental brick wall built around my head or my heart anymore. I built that wall instead of giving up on myself. I guess it served a purpose and damn it felt good to crash it down. All things come full circle no matter what in some way or another. Today I’m grateful my circle is rounding out on a time of love and life and laughter. It feels good to be me today and I really like that. Very much.
I'm still gun shy about putting myself out there. Baby steps for sure on that. Where is Dr. Marvin when one needs him? PAGING DR LEO MARVIN, hello come save me from myself. Tomorrow we are going to work on a family friend's farm, I'm really looking forward to some honest hard farm work, nothing like for the body soul and mind. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I meet some peeps with horses. Oh to be able to ride again, the freedom it gives me is nothing else. Best drug ever, horseback riding. Damn good exercise as well. Carrying the little dog up the mountain every morning is starting to pay off in my arms. With all the mountain walking and heat losing weight is so easy right now. It feels so good to be able to look at myself in the mirror. When I don't I know I'm unhappy with everything, mostly me.
For the first time in so long I have so much to look forward to and way less to dread. It's a nice easy feeling, peaceful in my head. We'll see We shall see.
Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin' going on
You do something to me that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got somethin' goin' on
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
I can't live without you if the love was gone
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
And you did walk in tonight
Slowly loosen' sight of the real thing
But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and we got no way out
And the message is clear
This could be the year for the real thing
No more will you cry
Baby, I will hurt you never
We start and end as one, in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Sail away
Oh, come sail away with me
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
~ Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Tomorrow is 3 weeks. Three weeks ago I moved to St Croix. St Croix. It’s been over a month since I left California. I left California, I do not live there anymore. Tomorrow I will get out one of the 7 pieces of tools I own, a screw driver, and take off my CA plates. Wow. Weird on so many levels.
The picture is of my last moments in CA. The shot defines my existence there. Empty. So empty. My mind has been messy again. All over the fucking place. Not really up or down, but miserable and quite dark at times. I wrote a blog back in April, but felt it too dark to share. Thinking back on what I call the dark blog, it was cathartic to write, yet hard to comes to real terms with. Ugh I love-hate when my brain is totally on and I do a good deep look on what is festering. I hate when I look into the soup pot of my brain and it’s an over cooked mush of an unedible mess. It cripples me to a point and certain walls and strong mental barriers come crashing down down down. LOCKED SLAM, door shut, gotta go and I don’t want to feel this for real. Feeling anything is still way too new and a bit nauseating to me. I’m still not ready. I’ve been telling myself for way too long that I was ready to start living my life, but I made that mantra an impossible feat.
I’ve been on the worst auto pilot let’s try something new and everything will be ok mode for 15 long arduous years. Trainwrecking my way thru some pretty fucked up shit. Leaving a wake of empty promises and heart breaking nothings. A whirlwind of a life gone, well past it’s due date, old moldy and full of the dark past. My dark log and my dark past, it’s nice to know today neither are haunting me.
My crate of personal effects and household goods cleared US Customs yesterday and was delivered to our house today. It feels so fantastically yay amazing to have all of my stuff here. I really live here. Here. On a freaking mother fucking island. In the Caribbean. Everything I own is here. My dog is here. My cat is here. My Jeep is here. All of my earthly possessions are here. Safe and sound. One broken plate. One single broken plate. Tomorrow I will set up my bed and sleep on my sheets. The kitchen is now full of my kick ass pans and good solid glasses. I am a picky little pain in the ass and I hated using the rented house’s kitchen items. Soon my mom’s will be blended with mine and the kitchen will make sense. My comforter feels delicious on my skin. Gert is sleeping soundly under my leg, loving all her smells from home. Wait. Home is here.
We don’t live there anymore. No more world’s smallest apartment up the stairs in the back of the complex. No more neighbors to chat it up with and hang out for a minute. Now it’s my mom and my step dad. So different. Oh for more moments like this, my brain is not ruminating, there are no spinning wheels, I’m not running from anything. Way better now. A lot less second guess. I needed consistency. There wasn’t much consistency in my life for a long time and there was serious lack of it in CA. No matter how hard I tried nothing worked. Over and over nothing went my way. I guess the evil perfectionist in my head had the wheel much of the time. I repeatedly chose or put myself in many situations doomed from the start. Consciously and unconsciously for a fact.
Things fall apart, it’s scientific.
And then there are people like me who make them fall apart on purpose.
Today there is a lot of good and solid consistency in my every day life. Living with the parentals is not as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Having my own apartment within their house definitely makes the transition easier and they actually want me here, yet I still Convinced myself it was going to suck is what I did. I had a rough 2nd week here, lots of misery slowly working it’s way OUT of my brain. Not the most pleasant thing to be around. Luckily and consistently my mom and step dad have been there with warm welcome open arms to say it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok. I’ve had a few super sucky fucky days fueled by the self hate self loathing unworthy feeling of doom, but even those unfun days were not catastrophes. So nice to not look back and have those bobbing in my life wake.
View I look out on each morning when I walk Gert.
So nice to look out and see an ocean I don’t resent because I have no friends to enjoy it with. Here I can walk for miles and miles without a care in the world. I ‘m waking up in a softer and more gentle mood and feel way more at peace with myself than I have in years. Years.
Moving here wasn’t easy. Lots of waiting in hot tropical heat. The power has gone out three nights in a row. Thank god for good food Scrabble and sane parents. After 3 days of traveling to and from the Containerport at the docks to US Customs to the DMW, everything is here. I live here. Here.
OMG in a good way. Tonight I will sleep well. For sure.
The picture is of my last moments in CA. The shot defines my existence there. Empty. So empty. My mind has been messy again. All over the fucking place. Not really up or down, but miserable and quite dark at times. I wrote a blog back in April, but felt it too dark to share. Thinking back on what I call the dark blog, it was cathartic to write, yet hard to comes to real terms with. Ugh I love-hate when my brain is totally on and I do a good deep look on what is festering. I hate when I look into the soup pot of my brain and it’s an over cooked mush of an unedible mess. It cripples me to a point and certain walls and strong mental barriers come crashing down down down. LOCKED SLAM, door shut, gotta go and I don’t want to feel this for real. Feeling anything is still way too new and a bit nauseating to me. I’m still not ready. I’ve been telling myself for way too long that I was ready to start living my life, but I made that mantra an impossible feat.
I’ve been on the worst auto pilot let’s try something new and everything will be ok mode for 15 long arduous years. Trainwrecking my way thru some pretty fucked up shit. Leaving a wake of empty promises and heart breaking nothings. A whirlwind of a life gone, well past it’s due date, old moldy and full of the dark past. My dark log and my dark past, it’s nice to know today neither are haunting me.
My crate of personal effects and household goods cleared US Customs yesterday and was delivered to our house today. It feels so fantastically yay amazing to have all of my stuff here. I really live here. Here. On a freaking mother fucking island. In the Caribbean. Everything I own is here. My dog is here. My cat is here. My Jeep is here. All of my earthly possessions are here. Safe and sound. One broken plate. One single broken plate. Tomorrow I will set up my bed and sleep on my sheets. The kitchen is now full of my kick ass pans and good solid glasses. I am a picky little pain in the ass and I hated using the rented house’s kitchen items. Soon my mom’s will be blended with mine and the kitchen will make sense. My comforter feels delicious on my skin. Gert is sleeping soundly under my leg, loving all her smells from home. Wait. Home is here.
We don’t live there anymore. No more world’s smallest apartment up the stairs in the back of the complex. No more neighbors to chat it up with and hang out for a minute. Now it’s my mom and my step dad. So different. Oh for more moments like this, my brain is not ruminating, there are no spinning wheels, I’m not running from anything. Way better now. A lot less second guess. I needed consistency. There wasn’t much consistency in my life for a long time and there was serious lack of it in CA. No matter how hard I tried nothing worked. Over and over nothing went my way. I guess the evil perfectionist in my head had the wheel much of the time. I repeatedly chose or put myself in many situations doomed from the start. Consciously and unconsciously for a fact.
Things fall apart, it’s scientific.
And then there are people like me who make them fall apart on purpose.
Today there is a lot of good and solid consistency in my every day life. Living with the parentals is not as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Having my own apartment within their house definitely makes the transition easier and they actually want me here, yet I still Convinced myself it was going to suck is what I did. I had a rough 2nd week here, lots of misery slowly working it’s way OUT of my brain. Not the most pleasant thing to be around. Luckily and consistently my mom and step dad have been there with warm welcome open arms to say it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok. I’ve had a few super sucky fucky days fueled by the self hate self loathing unworthy feeling of doom, but even those unfun days were not catastrophes. So nice to not look back and have those bobbing in my life wake.
View I look out on each morning when I walk Gert.
Moving here wasn’t easy. Lots of waiting in hot tropical heat. The power has gone out three nights in a row. Thank god for good food Scrabble and sane parents. After 3 days of traveling to and from the Containerport at the docks to US Customs to the DMW, everything is here. I live here. Here.
OMG in a good way. Tonight I will sleep well. For sure.
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