The picture is of my last moments in CA. The shot defines my existence there. Empty. So empty. My mind has been messy again. All over the fucking place. Not really up or down, but miserable and quite dark at times. I wrote a blog back in April, but felt it too dark to share. Thinking back on what I call the dark blog, it was cathartic to write, yet hard to comes to real terms with. Ugh I love-hate when my brain is totally on and I do a good deep look on what is festering. I hate when I look into the soup pot of my brain and it’s an over cooked mush of an unedible mess. It cripples me to a point and certain walls and strong mental barriers come crashing down down down. LOCKED SLAM, door shut, gotta go and I don’t want to feel this for real. Feeling anything is still way too new and a bit nauseating to me. I’m still not ready. I’ve been telling myself for way too long that I was ready to start living my life, but I made that mantra an impossible feat.
I’ve been on the worst auto pilot let’s try something new and everything will be ok mode for 15 long arduous years. Trainwrecking my way thru some pretty fucked up shit. Leaving a wake of empty promises and heart breaking nothings. A whirlwind of a life gone, well past it’s due date, old moldy and full of the dark past. My dark log and my dark past, it’s nice to know today neither are haunting me.
My crate of personal effects and household goods cleared US Customs yesterday and was delivered to our house today. It feels so fantastically yay amazing to have all of my stuff here. I really live here. Here. On a freaking mother fucking island. In the Caribbean. Everything I own is here. My dog is here. My cat is here. My Jeep is here. All of my earthly possessions are here. Safe and sound. One broken plate. One single broken plate. Tomorrow I will set up my bed and sleep on my sheets. The kitchen is now full of my kick ass pans and good solid glasses. I am a picky little pain in the ass and I hated using the rented house’s kitchen items. Soon my mom’s will be blended with mine and the kitchen will make sense. My comforter feels delicious on my skin. Gert is sleeping soundly under my leg, loving all her smells from home. Wait. Home is here.
We don’t live there anymore. No more world’s smallest apartment up the stairs in the back of the complex. No more neighbors to chat it up with and hang out for a minute. Now it’s my mom and my step dad. So different. Oh for more moments like this, my brain is not ruminating, there are no spinning wheels, I’m not running from anything. Way better now. A lot less second guess. I needed consistency. There wasn’t much consistency in my life for a long time and there was serious lack of it in CA. No matter how hard I tried nothing worked. Over and over nothing went my way. I guess the evil perfectionist in my head had the wheel much of the time. I repeatedly chose or put myself in many situations doomed from the start. Consciously and unconsciously for a fact.
Things fall apart, it’s scientific.
And then there are people like me who make them fall apart on purpose.
Today there is a lot of good and solid consistency in my every day life. Living with the parentals is not as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Having my own apartment within their house definitely makes the transition easier and they actually want me here, yet I still Convinced myself it was going to suck is what I did. I had a rough 2nd week here, lots of misery slowly working it’s way OUT of my brain. Not the most pleasant thing to be around. Luckily and consistently my mom and step dad have been there with warm welcome open arms to say it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok. I’ve had a few super sucky fucky days fueled by the self hate self loathing unworthy feeling of doom, but even those unfun days were not catastrophes. So nice to not look back and have those bobbing in my life wake.
View I look out on each morning when I walk Gert.
Moving here wasn’t easy. Lots of waiting in hot tropical heat. The power has gone out three nights in a row. Thank god for good food Scrabble and sane parents. After 3 days of traveling to and from the Containerport at the docks to US Customs to the DMW, everything is here. I live here. Here.
OMG in a good way. Tonight I will sleep well. For sure.
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