Islands in the stream

Everything is nothin' if you got no one

Something is happening in my brain and it doesn’t suck. There is some type of soft and gentle peace that is absolutely conquering the twisted and dark thoughts that usually win by a hundred fold each hour. I’m finding it impossible to not be mindful here. Yes everything is new, but it’s more than just that. I’m not beating myself up as much. My brain isn’t eating itself this week. It’s Thursday and no mental meltdowns. None inside my head nor outside. This is rare. This hasn’t happened in a long time, mostly because I have been trying to force it to happen. So many times throughout my depression, super high omg I feel better, something good just happened and I feel great. And when WHAM whatever good that I imagined or hoped for turned out to be something completely different from what I expected. Always on opposite ends of whatever string of insanity I spun in my head. I have impossibly high expectations of myself and others. Way higher than the average person, I expect the best of myself and everyone around me. I want the best for everyone. This turns my head into a boatload of nonsense. I need to rephrase my own thinking again. Rinse lather repeat of my life.

At night there are frogs everywhere mating. They are very loud and I wish I had some jumping jack fire crackers because I’d be sitting on the patio throwing them. In my head I am. Die frogs die. The mosquitos are mother fuckers. They do not fly away when you swat, they are all Harry Potter during a Quidditch match stealth. I am their golden snitch and they will flight to the death to taste me. There are lots of bugs here and little reptiles of all sorts. Lots of birds, the hummingbirds being the coolest, I’ve seen one nest so far. The nests are made of spiders webs. I love the lush and natural beauty of the island. We live on the East side of the island, on the West side the weather is more tropical, there is a rainforest section with a dam at the top of a small mountain. A creek runs down the mountain and you can swim in the small clear pools which gather sporadically at intervals. There are flowers here and there, I’m told they will bloom over and over all year, not much of changing seasons here. We have had mucho rain, lots and lots and lots. My mom and I planted some seeds today, I can’t wait for our plants and flowers to grow grow grow.

So far what I love best is the slow easy pace. I like having to drive into town, I like the little mom and pop at tne end of our road. We live far out up a remote road which turns to a steep dirt road, perfect for the Jeep and definitely not a road one would ever rush up or down. A ride to the nearest town takes about 20 minutes. There we check the mail, visit the bank or the hardware store; grab lunch or visit the bookstore. A small mom and pop grocery store is also there, it’s definitely a Cheers sort of place. Everything is expensive here, it all comes via boat. The big store for everything is Kmart. There is nothing like a Nordys or even a decent thrift store. No Newbury Street or Hillcrest to purchase gifts for my closet to cherish. I’ve come to see how trips to the mainland will mean the world to me in the future. I put on heels the other day while unpacking. I miss my sexy shoes. Maybe I will finally learn to come around with the online shopping. Right now shopping is the least of my concerns, plus my closet is chock full of kick ass clothes in every variety that no one here has ever seen. Oh I love that. It’s a bit like a whole new wardrobe and that makes me smile. Clothes whore for life. Absolutely. My hair is turning a super pretty color from the sun; I will save my cuts for the mainland and I’m not going to mind, no need for highlights anymore, I have 12 guaranteed hours a day of sun to do that.

Making peace with others used to scare the shit out of me, but after I did it I was so grateful for the real and true friendships that survived. I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I am so all over the place at times, I don’t want to be friends with myself. It’s a bit overwhelming to fathom how many times I have berated myself for not being a good enough friend. I was caught in a web of my own self destruction for the past few years. Not many friendships have started and survived for me over the past few years. There are scant few. The deep dark well of depression had me dark and buried deep in her well of self hate. My brain floated in that deep black well water, my membranes screamed with migraine, they needed rescue from the drowning ruminating words. There was no longer alcohol to wash away depression’s happy grasp of my brain. While high on the well water of hell I hurt before anyone could hurt me; I laughed when I should have cried and turned anything real into a monster of a ball.

So today it’s nice to see I have sailed away from that a bit. I’m no longer thirstily or greedily drinking the depression water. I’m not taking comfort in any sort of pain and I’m not taxing myself or my brain the way I had been. I’m reading and yay writing. I’m translating and taking pictures. I’m breathing and smiling. Not fake smiling, real smiling. No games to play here, no second guessing. I’m not scared of screwing up because no one cares here. There are no deadlines for anything. I do not have a mental brick wall built around my head or my heart anymore. I built that wall instead of giving up on myself. I guess it served a purpose and damn it felt good to crash it down. All things come full circle no matter what in some way or another. Today I’m grateful my circle is rounding out on a time of love and life and laughter. It feels good to be me today and I really like that. Very much.

I'm still gun shy about putting myself out there. Baby steps for sure on that. Where is Dr. Marvin when one needs him? PAGING DR LEO MARVIN, hello come save me from myself. Tomorrow we are going to work on a family friend's farm, I'm really looking forward to some honest hard farm work, nothing like for the body soul and mind. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I meet some peeps with horses. Oh to be able to ride again, the freedom it gives me is nothing else. Best drug ever, horseback riding. Damn good exercise as well. Carrying the little dog up the mountain every morning is starting to pay off in my arms. With all the mountain walking and heat losing weight is so easy right now. It feels so good to be able to look at myself in the mirror. When I don't I know I'm unhappy with everything, mostly me.

For the first time in so long I have so much to look forward to and way less to dread. It's a nice easy feeling, peaceful in my head. We'll see We shall see.

Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin' going on

You do something to me that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got somethin' goin' on

Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah

I can't live without you if the love was gone
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
And you did walk in tonight
Slowly loosen' sight of the real thing

But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and we got no way out
And the message is clear
This could be the year for the real thing

No more will you cry
Baby, I will hurt you never
We start and end as one, in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah

Sail away
Oh, come sail away with me

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
~ Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton