The enemy within

After writing what I wrote last week I was on a bit of a natural high. I can’t remember the last time I had a real one of those, it’s been a long long time. Getting that off my chest was the best therapy session of my life. Accountability is so my friend. It’s more proof positive that I really am letting go and moving forward. It’s LOL funny to me myself and I that I spent an entire year resenting myself and everyone else. Longer than just last year it’s been years I was consumed by that. Super resenting – BUT I’M NOT BAD ANYMORE why can’t the world see that – where is my praise? My kudos for all this soul searching self help? In my demanding mess of a mind there was no way possible for it to dawn on me I needed to be the one giving myself kudos, I need to be ok with me before anyone else would be. I heard that line my whole fucking life. Love yourself. Be kind to you. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt. LIE. That is a fucking LIE. Words hurt. Words have hurt me a million times over for so many years. There have been times I would have rather been stabbed than have to hear some of the verbal evil thrown my way over the years. I can think back to instances over 20 years old that still hurt worse than a gun shot wound. Mean comments, ruined moments, evil girls. I was one of the evil girls for sure.

Two important realizations pushed thru the dark and came to light to me in 2010 – I started to comprehend what FILTER meant and why it is so necessary and I also started seeing the DENIAL I was living in for so very long. Filtering – I had no filter – I was an open book, too open. Over sharing over emotional over the top = gross. Denial about anything and everything. If I can't remember it thenit didn't happen was my motto and I was proud of it. I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with me – omg there is so much wrong with me I will never be fixed. I expected empathy, sympathy, pity, help. HA. Instead I got put down, labeled uncontrollable/out of line, loss of respect, ignored, shunned and so on. Screaming in people’s faces rarely gets you anywhere. Why was my fuse so freaking short? Maybe because I over sharing about my existence spent in denial. People who called me on my shit were instantly dead to me. They didn’t exist. I only made friends with people to hurt them. I only accepted dates to make them want me and then I would slam the door and quickly delete them from my life. I would make plans with several people and blow them all off. Over and over and over again. I wouldn’t pick up the phone for days – gladly making anyone and everyone who knew me worry. I would then return a call or a text but if there was no pick up or instant response you went back in the dead to me pile. Every single person every single day pissed me off to no end. I didn’t like anyone! I resented the shit out of my beloved dog. I craved more but the more I got the more I isolated, the more my twisted fucked up brain ruminated out of control. And then I started to filter. And all that self hate – the angst – the pity partying it disappeared before my very eyes. It stopped. I didn’t notice the stop for months later because I was still in serious denial about a lot of things, but it stopped and I will be so damned if it comes back like it was.

Filtering has given me the ability to take a step back from own shit. It has given me the opportunity to listen – really listen to others. Instead of trying to solve all of your shit I have started to listen and listen only. I will offer my opinion, my thought at your question, but I have no expectations of what you will ultimately do. I’m not going to hold it against you, I’m not going to check up on you. Your shit is your shit. I have enough of my own shit to worry about and have no desire to worry about yours. Oh my sleep is so much better. I have taken all of those unfounded expectations in my head and said see ya. By keeping my mouth shut and making sure that whatever going on isn’t about me I am safe. With this new approach I have gained trust and respect instead of hate and lies. Friendships new and old have blossomed and strengthened instead of being sucked lifeless by unreasonable demands and expectations.

Realizing that I was trapped under a deep dark veil of denial has been hard to come to terms with. I don’t know how I got into such a deep hole. I’m not an angry hateful person. I have never been one to side with the devil. But for so long, what felt like forever with no way out, I existed in a hateful deviant world. I eschewed my own existence. I wanted to be the opposite of everything but in doing so I received no satisfaction from myself or others. I looked down on everyone, everything in order to make myself feel better. I denied myself books, music and friends to make myself feel better. My denial was fueled by my pain that masked my reality. You’re only in turmoil and pain if you allow yourself to be. Screaming and demanding that pain needs to cease to exist only grows the pain stronger. In my mess of a mind I was going above and beyond to help myself and everyone else but at the same time I was let down by myself and others on an hourly basis. My therapist and I had a chat one day about my perception of myself. My perception and my reality were very skewed. It was from that conversation on that I slowly started to come to terms with what was really going on with my life. I slowly started to remove myself from the insanity I was creating for myself and others.

Why was I trying to create a Norman Rockwell existence when I have no desire to live a Norman Rockwell life? This was a question I kept screaming at myself and anyone who would listen for years. Years upon years of never being happy with myself or others. Never really enjoying anything at all because I was too busy resenting, bully, lying, or crying. Why were all of my perceptions so skewed and how did they revert back to sanity? Like I have mentioned before depressed people take comfort in their depression. It’s a most vicious cycle, but it’s our comfort zone. In my jumbled mind, during my crazing for more more more – I would attempt at times to stop the insanity. I would try new projects/hobbies, make new friends. But everything failied. Why am I reaching out to a crackhead junkie for friendship – oh yeah I think I can fix them. Why am I looking into sailing lessons when I am deathly afraid of dying on a boat? Why am I wearing my weekend hippie clothes to work – how will anyone take me seriously in flip flops? Everything I wanted I stood in the way of. I refused to take real accountability, I was still trapped under the veil of denial. I was denying myself an existence! I was preventing myself from moving forward, I was my own worst enemy.

But my therapist INSISTED over and over I wasn’t. I was not allowed to call myself my own worst enemy. I was asked to give myself a break. For weeks on end I screamed figuratively and literally LOOK AT ME GIVING MYSELF A BREAK all the while I was still striving for one thing and one thing only – perfection. It’s a strength and a weakness all at the same time. My insanely high standards of myself and others was my downfall – not me. My insane desire to be everyone’s friend, make everyone happy did one thing and one thing only it made me miserable. It wasn’t ok that everyone was happy around me because all I did was resent the shit out of them. I might have been busting my ass on my therapy at work with friends but I was still trying to be perfect. It wasn’t until I stopped with trying to be perfect that I was able to finally truly give myself the much needed break I claimed to be taking all the while I was driving the crazy train bus. Fortunately for me I have an amazing mother, an empathic and very kind therapist who calls me on my shit and really really great friends. I have fucking amazing friends. AMAZING friends. And for the first in so long I feel GOOD. Even when I’m pissy I still feel good. Even I feel rushed I still feel good. There is lots and lots of good and pretty light at the end of my tunnel.

Oh and I feel pretty again. That has to be the bestest part of all of this. I feel pretty outside because I am really am pretty inside and not full of evil like I was convinced for way too long.