And that was that

As I slowly baby step my way into this new way of thinking – positive versus negative – I realize for the first time in a long time I am not setting myself up for failure. I am no longer looking at the day, week or month as a long arduous uphill battle that I have no motivation to conquer. Like last week even when angst and anxiety creep into my brains I’m not freaked out. I’m cognizant and aware and literally for the very first time I am going with the flow. I used to pretend I knew what that term meant, ‘go with the flow’ and no my definition had nothing to do with my period. I thought if I thought I was going with the flow then I was. HA. Not so much. I was trying to control the flow – the speed, intensity, gallons pushed out per minute.

I understand now why 2010 was so very challenging for me. I was just coming to terms with two important things – number one recognizing that I am not the most important person in the world nor do I want to be and number two acknowledging the train wreck past sans denial and coming to terms with it. That’s enough to make a completely sane person go crazy and have a nervous breakdown, scratch that sane people do not need to come to terms with those things they never bother them to begin with hence the sanity.

During my many years of self hate and delusion that was fueled by hate, alcohol, gossip, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, you get it all the vices and then some, I was not putting two and two together. In my mess of a head 2 + 2 = like 90. I was always on fast forward, always craving more – more what? More everything, more attention, more alcohol, more ‘candy’, more boys, more BFFs, more parties, more fun, more more more. It was all about me me me. I even had chapstick that said It’s All About Me and I loved the roll. I was the loudmouth no wanted to sit next to at dinner. I was definitely the last person in the world anyone should have handed a baby to. I was not a good friend. I was not a coworker. I was not a good assistant in that I did not adhere to the most important and critical aspects of my own job – ethics and confidentiality. I allowed myself time and time and time again to be involved in chaotic nights, lies, blackmail, mean spirited hateful gossip.
Girls are down right evil at times and I was pretty fucking unbearable. Worst secret keeper ever. Worst friend. Talk about DENIAL. All those insanity spun years and me sitting pretty convinced I was untouchable. No one talked about ME behind my back, they wouldn’t, they couldn’t. I’m a great friend to them so they think. They would never betray me as I am betraying them via text message as they sit next to me spilling their guts about their latest heartache or break. OMG no never.

Then all that garbage I just mentioned turned on me and I became TOO AWARE of the wreckage. Way too fucking aware. Acknowledging the train wreck and coming to terms with the train wreck are two completely different approaches. Where as I thought I was leaping leap years ahead of myself by claiming responsibility for my past transgressions – LOOK AT ME, I WAS BAD AND NOW I’M GOOD , I was in fact sending myself into a deep dark downward spiral of yuck. It's called Depression and it's no fun at all. I’ve decided to write two posts on this being in the depression and being out of it. It will be my own yin and yang. This post now about the yuck and another post about all of the good that survived and/or happened during the yuck. Nothing is ever all bad or all good. I see that much clearer now. I’m no longer shrouded in horrible guilt and shame about badness in the past.

Depression is an evil monster that feeds on itself, similar to hate it can consume you and bring you to the depths of the most miserable places in the world on the INSIDE while on the OUTSIDE you are surrounded by love light and hope. My own head is truly one of the most frightening places to find yourself. HA to anyone who has tried, good lord my poor poor mother. What she has not gone through in all of this but I’m saving that for the post on the good. Every single moment of every single day was hell inside my head. Nothing was acceptable, nothing was right. Everything was boring, repetitive, non stop, annoying. Looking back I am fairly certain there were insanely long periods of time where I did not enjoy one single thing. Even breathing was upsetting because I did not want to be alive. When your brain is on repeat that there is no point waking up tomorrow it’s pretty hard to function. You’re not a normal person, you’re not thinking normal thoughts. You are aware of the mess you are in and/or created and your comfort zone is knowing you could end it all. You could drive off a bridge. You could drive off a cliff. You could take lots of certain OTC meds and never wake up. You know people who have succeeded and you envy them. You want to be a junkie on the street because at least they love something albeit drugs. Anything is better than you – who you are, where you are, what you want to do. Hopes and dreams do not exist when you’re depressed. Hopes and dreams are a noose around your neck. They suffocate you and wake you up at night. Hope, ha hope. There is no hope. If hope existed I would not be in the state I am in. Dreams, my dreams are nothing. I am nothing. You have everything. Your life is perfect and I fucking hate you. I hate your problems – what I wouldn’t give to have your problems. Oh my god your problems aren’t real problems, I could solve YOUR shit in a heart, I would NEVER end up like you I AM WAY TOO SMART. All is nothing and nothing is all. There is no beginning because the hell fire already consumed it. Life is sucked out of everyone and everything that exists around you. Inanimate objects infuriate you and nothing is ever good enough.

That’s a lot. It feels really good to get that OUT. I feel like a wave of water just splashed over me. I am very grateful for this forum as a way to keep moving myself forward. More soon, and on the good, the light the love and my many many hopes and dreams.