Writing is so good for my soul

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” Oscar Wilde.

My mind just goes here there and everywhere. It makes the energizer bunny look lazy. And slovenly. I wish most ardently for a quiet mind. One cannot use a wish on that though. You cannot poof the non stop mind away. Oh I wish wish wish I could Most certainly I have tried tried tried. Ugh. I wish my thoughts came out better. I wish I could get back into scribbling in a notebook. Documenting the madness of my mind was way easier. Take a look at my old textbooks and daily journals or day planners. Well documented madness and I didn’t even realize it was coming out. But in this electronic age, maybe I’m overwhelmed by my choices and picking up a pen or even typing this on my laptop weighs on me. It’s a much needed release yet I deny myself the pleasure and make it a chore.

I also do this sick little evil trick. I refrain from looking at myself in any mirror. Not even in window reflections not in my car. Not at all. I’ve been doing it for years and it means I’m upset about something but am refusing to acknowledge it. I know for a fact it’s happening because I caught a look at myself earlier. For real. By accident I caught my naked thigh all the way up to my slightly disheveled but rock star pretty hair. I really liked what I saw. The recent weight loss my brilliant stylist and a much more positive attitude all contributed to my little moment. I’m so grateful right now for my little me moment. Wake up call, stop denying yourself the pretty. It feels soooooo good you dipshit.

And anxious boys, oh god so over that crap. They all either lie or want me to be way more than I could ever be. None of them want to take even 5 minutes to get to know me. None of them. I cannot and will not be trapped in conversations with myself, trapped, feeling claustrophobic climbing the walls to get away from them or that I am really letting something slide that I shouldn’t. I’m over hearing disgusting stories that turn my stomach or abhorrent nonsense closed minded ridiculousness. I wish so much that dating anyone or anything wasn’t such a knife in my heart. For real. The past two years both with men and/or volunteer commitments everything has really been the wrong fit for me. Several times my heart has been way too big or way too small. It’s been a rough few years of feeling like I can’t win on many levels. I’m glad I stopped trying. I’m more content taking things, everything on a much smaller scale, with no agenda on the horizon. And I’m a bit more in tune to people who are just there to take advantage or fulfill a dream I cannot be. I cannot be rushed into anything, whether it is a meal I’m being served by a waiter or it’s the butterflies of like, I cannot and will not be rushed in my meals or with my love. It’s my love to give and share and I’ve decided to no longer give it on any level just because. I’m thinking it all through with a much more clear perspective and I’m discovering several of my existing relationships and friendships have grown much stronger. I’m no longer demanding your love or shoving mine down your throat. I’m just here. And I’m enjoying myself most days. When my mind isn’t eating itself about the future that is. At least I’m not scared about who I am. I know and like that. Especially now with my pretty moment. Stop not looking the pretty. Stop.

Birdhouse in Your Soul Lyrics Artist: They Might Be Giants  

I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I have a secret to tell From my electrical well It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells So the room must listen to me Filibuster vigilantly My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e My story's infinite Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am There's a picture opposite me Of my primitive ancestry Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free Though I respect that a lot I'd be fired if that were my job After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts Bluebird of friendliness Like guardian angels its always near Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul (and while you're at it Keep the nightlight on inside the Birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul