Planes trains and au-to-mo-biles

For more than the past ten years I have always lived very close to major international airports. I am very used to seeing planes in the sky. As a kid I lived in a spot where planes flew way overhead on their way north to Canada or East to Europe. I used to pretend the fuel trails they left spelled my name. I’ve always been fascinated by the planes, the people on them, the destinations they are heading to. I remember lying on my back in my backyard, fresh cut grass all around me, but I’m still sinking into it and I’m looking up at the random planes flying overhead wondering when will I be big enough, grown up enough to be on one. When can I fly to Paris? To a tropical island – who will go with me? I used to go to sleep with various scenarios like this stuck in my head. I think my wanderlust started well before I knew what wanderlust is. I remember the days after 9/11 when there were no planes in the sky, it unnerved me. We were all already unnerved by that tragic day and having no planes flying overhead just made everything seem all the more strange to me. I see planes every single day. Planes in the sky equals peace to me. Whether it’s on my walks with Gert or on my drive to work. I can’t NOT see a plane. True to form, just like when I was little, I’m wishing I was on one. Always.

There is a truck in my neighborhood and it’s driving me freaking nuts. The thing is GINORMOUS. Not kidding this one truck is the size of at least 3 compact cars or 2 SUVs. It parks on the street. It takes up so much room. The tires are bigger than dog pool. There is no f-ing way anyone even the jolly green giant could get into this thing without some type of step or pull up. I have never seen the owner. This morning on my walk with Gert I wrote him the following note in my head: “Dear GiNormous Truck Owner – I had to leave you a note, because anyone with a truck this size has enlarged said truck in order to be noticed and I feel compelled to tell you that you have been noticed. My fascination has not so much to do with the actual size/mass of your truck, my fascination roots in why is this truck so big. Why such a GiNormous vehicle? Parked daily on a city street. What lives inside you and prompts this grossly oversized vehicle? I get the Porsche owner – uptight Ivy leaguer LOOK AT ME ASSHOLES parking his pretty car in his $40,000 italian tiled garage in RSF. I get the mom caravan driver – harried too many errands too many kids not enough time ever. I get the accountant who drives the white floor model accord that is 9 years old and still a good car. I will never get THE GiNORMOUS truck owner though. Especially on a city street. Yet you have been noticed.”

I have a very strong desire to take a train trip. A former colleague of mine told me about a short fun ride on the train from SD to San Juan Capistrano. Everything he described is so right up my alley. I’ve had this little trip in my head for a while. Why haven’t I taken it? Oh of course my usual excuse I don’t want to go alone. BUT I read a really good article this week and a line has stuck with me. GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR CUBLICLE AND START LIVING YOUR LIFE. I really want to do this, I want to embrace the life I live, I don’t want to hate on anything anymore. Wanting to take this train ride, waiting on finding ‘someone’ to go with me – fuck that. I’m going on my own.

Control

Ok so me and emotions - I have no control over my emotions, I never have. I say no control is an understatement. Is there an over the top understatement - my emotional control defines it. I don't think it's in my DNA to have this type of self control. While I have made major strides in retraining my mind with less skewed core competencies, it dawns on me this absolute lack of emotional control has hindered me held me back, made me look like a crazy lunatic at times. I know there have been many points in my life where I wanted to be the trainwreck, I took comfort in my own self destruction and the destruction of others. Pain, isolation and anxiety were my BFFs and without them I didn't feel right. For real if something wasn't wrong I made something wrong happen just to feel ok with the world. Inside my head was like the Turkish Twist after all 12 riders threw up during motion.

So there was a moment yesterday while walking Gert that a thought popped into my less destructive mind. Could it be that my absolute lack of emotional control is due to the fact I am an anal over the top perfectionist – emotions cannot be turned on and off with a switch – at least mine can’t. I’m thinking that my urge to always be perfect, number, the most awesome, directly affects my ability to handle anything emotionally. It’s like a part of my brain knows and understands emotions cannot be forcibly controlled, they can me managed and maintained, but not corralled or sequestered. Emotions need to flow sometimes they need to gush like Niagra, sometimes they need to be pulled back to save face. Because I cannot completely CONTROL them, I think my emotions are like a cup runneth over, a faucet left unattended – they pour and they gush in fast and frantic ways because I attempt to stifle them or I ignore them and push them away creating a chaotic mess in my mind.

Wow. If I could only just STOP. Just freaking STOP. Stop trying to control the world I know I would find that quiet safe place – literally and figuratively. Why is it so hard to give myself a break? I cut everyone slack – maybe not right off the bat but for the most part I am very reasonable and agreeable to looking at all sides of a situation. I am too accountable. Way too accountable for things I have nothing to do with. I carry burdens that have nothing to do with me. Control control control.

Who is she?

She likes smell of fresh cut grass apple orchards any beach good food animals sunrises over the mountains certain people loosing myself in a museum a single tree in the distance books God full moons pretty things morals being tan happy times learning a good salad bubbles historical anything sunsets at the beach prom hair smell inside an old book songs that touch my soul gardenias ocean breezes spoken word poetry civil liberty hawaiian tropic good deeds NE football warm sunshine on my face well written acted directed movies fresh flowers feeling pretty

She dislikes sound of chewing liars banned books propaganda traffic ignorant people fast food hurters of children/animals ebonics slapstick rubberneckers figurative/literal coldness fox news video games bad food meetings evil bad grammar mean people NY Giants violence mindfucks Mexican candy smell of mold war crimes too much rain unsensored stop lights lack of common sense hatred scared children San Diego sports teams gps the media machine

She misses my mom trees pizza backyards seafood market basket nantucket my cat parish cafe cranes beach fireplace on a cold night kate spade on newbury cheese steak subs renting beach houses Marshalls on Boylston St best friend Vermont my mom being 5 the smell of Boston city streets after a warm weather downpour santarpios having a brother 80s hair NYC hello kiss kiss my mom greek pizza places homecooked meals my cat color popping fall trees ski weekends house phones darkest nights connection to the past impromptu plans with a BFF steve's greek maps Cape cod

She doesnt miss cold weather dunkin donuts cold weather white trash family drama salt on my shoes the southie accent having strangers at
stores tell me they know me thru my third cousin once removed unprotected left turns
shoveling drunk red sox fans traffic that doesn't move

She is Grateful for: my mom my dog my cat my friends my intelligence anti depressants San Diego weather God my humor my smile my wit my memory my sense of style my common sense my therapist 

I am a good girl both a delightful yet at times dark strong woman with an interesting not ordinary mind who spent a significant amount of time denying myself what I truly craved most, a simple quiet life. I am finally learning to give myself a break I'm no longer trying so hard. I am trying to be a quitter of things that do not move me forward. 

Perceptions and Deceptions

"I have no desire to make windows into mens souls" Elizabeth I

Neither do I. Damn was she right. I also have negative desire to look into any man’s soul. I wouldn’t mind touching his heart maybe have him touch my heart, learn more about him, but delve into his soul, his heart of hearts? No thanks. I truly have no idea where most men are coming from. I guess all women suffer from this at certain points in their lives/relationships. I was thrown for quite the loop with the last horny toad. Not only was he an incredibly anxious horny toad, he was a disgusting racist. My vision was clouded by his pomp and circumstance that I didn’t pick up on the evil racism until it was almost too late. This is man with a black soul, a soul I want no part of. Long story short he is a Jew hater. Never thought I’d meet one of those. I'm not talking American History X racist - full on white power. No a business man, who did not look or act the part. After the first disgusting and racist remark thrown my way I responded with “Whoa, easy there, you can’t be serious in that statement, next thing you’ll be telling me you’re a Holocaust denier”…His response “Well not nearly as many Jews died as claimed, the numbers are all blown out of proportion”. Yeah……..Black soul indeed.

Monday night while walking Gert I was pleasantly surprised when one of my neighbors stopped me to chat. She is an older woman who I totally pegged as the mean disgruntled Mrs McCluskey of my ‘hood. In three years the few times I have seen her she has always had quite the scowl on her face. The scowl always tells me to AVOID AVOID AVOID. There is usually drama of a sort behind a scowl. Well wouldn’t you know, as we usually do find out whenever we stereotype in our heads I was wrong wrong wrong. I had a lovely chat with Kathy and realized after chatting with her I totally resented the world and my neighborhood a few short months ago. “How come no one talks to each other, why don’t people smile on my street, where is the sense of community and togetherness. Well of course I wouldn’t feel or see any of those things without opening my own mind and heart to them. On Sunday while walking Gert in the evening I noticed all the cute little trick or treaters out, spoke with several of them. It warmed my heart to see a young couple go all out decorating their yard, the guy hid in the bushes and was scaring the little ones as they approached the door. The peels of little kid screams and laughter was awesome. Talk about an overwhelming and warming sense of community.

Mindfullness is definitely getting back on track. The big dipper has been my friend every single day. Coocoopants now wakes up at 5 am no matter what so I’m getting stars galore. I’ve been very fortunate in getting to see the sun rise sun over the mountains TWICE this week. When I say rise I mean I watch it full on as a tiny speck and wham it turns into a blazing ball of awesomeness. I saw Gert make a new funny face, talk about a moment.