Control

Ok so me and emotions - I have no control over my emotions, I never have. I say no control is an understatement. Is there an over the top understatement - my emotional control defines it. I don't think it's in my DNA to have this type of self control. While I have made major strides in retraining my mind with less skewed core competencies, it dawns on me this absolute lack of emotional control has hindered me held me back, made me look like a crazy lunatic at times. I know there have been many points in my life where I wanted to be the trainwreck, I took comfort in my own self destruction and the destruction of others. Pain, isolation and anxiety were my BFFs and without them I didn't feel right. For real if something wasn't wrong I made something wrong happen just to feel ok with the world. Inside my head was like the Turkish Twist after all 12 riders threw up during motion.

So there was a moment yesterday while walking Gert that a thought popped into my less destructive mind. Could it be that my absolute lack of emotional control is due to the fact I am an anal over the top perfectionist – emotions cannot be turned on and off with a switch – at least mine can’t. I’m thinking that my urge to always be perfect, number, the most awesome, directly affects my ability to handle anything emotionally. It’s like a part of my brain knows and understands emotions cannot be forcibly controlled, they can me managed and maintained, but not corralled or sequestered. Emotions need to flow sometimes they need to gush like Niagra, sometimes they need to be pulled back to save face. Because I cannot completely CONTROL them, I think my emotions are like a cup runneth over, a faucet left unattended – they pour and they gush in fast and frantic ways because I attempt to stifle them or I ignore them and push them away creating a chaotic mess in my mind.

Wow. If I could only just STOP. Just freaking STOP. Stop trying to control the world I know I would find that quiet safe place – literally and figuratively. Why is it so hard to give myself a break? I cut everyone slack – maybe not right off the bat but for the most part I am very reasonable and agreeable to looking at all sides of a situation. I am too accountable. Way too accountable for things I have nothing to do with. I carry burdens that have nothing to do with me. Control control control.