Confusing world we live in

I definitely am out of the loop on the gossip/entertainment world. When I attempt to catch up I get more confused than when I started. I kind of miss not knowing all the crap we know nowadays. I'm an avid reader of spoilers especially for my favorite shows in season. I ruin my own suspense. I could care less if the tiny lady who married a basketball player is no longer married. I desperately want to know what Nancy Botwin is going to do next though. Strange world we live in.

I am a strange creature of weather related moods. The weather can make or break a day for me even before I'm out of bed. Tonight the crazy rare wind and wet streets appeal to me. Any shift of weather usually irritates the fuck out of me. I have no idea why the rain that has a tendency of bringing me down didn't destroy me' today. I'm having am amazing staycation, a billion times better than I could have ever imagined.

Preventative medicine

Writing is better than saying it outloud for me. I do not want my mind to eat itself. Currently it isn't, historically that means it's about to or presently is but I'm just not aware yet. Sometimes I feel so damn over therapized. I'm always truly 100% grateful for my therapy, but sometimes it bites me in the ass. I feel very free today. Optimistic with warm fuzzies inside me with thoughts of the approaching year. It's always been the impending year to me, I somehow have a softer more gentle feeling about a new year. It's a super nice and happy way to feel. For no other reason other than the freedom of me being me. I feel strong and confident in everything I'm doing. No wonder I'm scared of my coocoo mind eating itself. Who am I????!) strong and confident who? Oi, my inner dichotomy of turmoil and peace, today peace has been winning. Yesterday peace won. I am hopeful for a peaceful tomorrow and go to sleep with a quiet head that will gently hit the pillow.

so not into it

I'm not being a grinch, I'm not anti Christmas I'm just not into it. I have negative motivation to do anything Christmas-y. I'm saying this as I sit in Starbucks attempting my little yearly tradition of writing out my Christmas cards. I'm so not into this. The Christmas music is doing nothing for me. No warm fuzzies, no excitement about this most wonderful time of the year.

Bull fucking shit. I get no joy out of this. I get if there were more little ones around me, if there was a significant other (or even hope of one of those) maybe I would be into it. Reality is I'm not. Fuck the fucking traffic because I live near two malls. I was over seeing poinsettias and red/green/silver/gold pine leafy shiny displays back in september. I've already heard the Chanukah song too many times and I live that song. I borrowed a step ladder to get my Christmas stuff out, do it think I'll take it out of the attic? No I really don't. I can't get into it.

If I was into it I wouldn't think right to having to put all the crap away. I'd be exited at the thought if decorating and feeling 'festive' nope, nothing.

I'm not angry, I'm not resentful. I still heart Elf with all my heart. I'm not asking anyone to understand or care. I'm just not into it.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking......

Tick tock tick tock. Lately I feel like I am always wanting time to slow down OR hurry up. This morning in bed I wanted time to STOP, I needed way more time to sleep. Right now I need time to fast forward so I can leave this godforsaken office. No satisfaction with time these days. Where did 2010 go? We BLINKED and it’s now almost 2011. I feel like the year has literally flown past me. It’s interesting that at the end of this year 2010 I am not filled with tremendous regret shame or hate. I find myself much more content with myself and with others. I spent millions of minutes obsessing about the thoughts of others and my skewed mental interpretations of what I was convinced others were saying about me. I needed you you and you to like me. If someone I didn’t know scowled on the street I would be personally offended – wasn’t my bright and brilliant smile enough to make the stranger have a good day? What is wrong with everyone? You must like me, I need you to like, if you don’t like I won’t feel good about myself. No wonder I never felt good about myself.

FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT FOREVER. It is so nice and refreshing to step outside of that coocoo’s nest of mental anguish. 2010 whether it was ticking down fast or slow, has been a year of much growth. You don’t like me – GOOD – I most likely have 100 reasons ready why I don’t like you all ready to go in my mental mess of a head. Don’t like me, stop talking to me, ignore, delete me from the facebook. Please. I no longer crave the fair-weather crap of yesterday. I don’t want to be everyone’s friend. I don’t want to be anyone’s slave (except Gert). I don’t all the pressure and expectations that ruined so many of my relationships in the past to ruin anything in my future. If you don’t like me, I really don’t fucking care.

Therapy in my own head

I had a therapy session last week in my head with myself while Madonna's "Material Girl" was blasting from 80s on 8. It's usually never ever a good thing for me to have a therapy session with myself, there at least needs to be one additional living breathing creature there, even if it's just Gert (oh the stories my little bug could tell). But this particular little session in my head empowered me. Instead of making myself more confused I somehow was able to reach clarity instead. WHO AM I?
It all started with the first lines to the song "Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me I think they're okay If they don't give me proper credit I just walk away", you see I used to kiss lots of boys, I used to fall in love in a nanosecond, I used to not feel ok without a boy attached to me. I don’t know when or how my mind set changed, but I realize now, at least for the past year my self confidence has grown tremendously – I am so “If they don't give me proper credit I just walk away”. I am such the opposite of what I used to be! Forget settling I know EXACTLY what I want and I will not – no frigging way - tolerate any man who does not do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third in every way. I felt so great after that little session in my head, so great.
This now leads me to…
“They can beg and they can plead, But they can't see the light, that's right, that's right” – so there is a man, a living breathing man residing in the greater san diego area who does do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third. Problem is he can’t see the light, that’s right he’s married. Very married. To quote Seinfeld he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with that. Because you see to him I am amazing, I am everything he wants in a woman or so he tells me before and after the marriage came out. He can’t get me out of his head. And the new Fran who runs away from drama instead of pouring the gasoline on it knew the second she was informed about said marriage this is definitely not Mr. Right. I have been so good – I ended it immediately, said no way jose this is never going to work. I will not and can not be THE OTHER WOMAN. NO way. He has been deleted from my phone after I recently caved and saw him face to face fully clothed and NO TOUCHING. So as much as he pleads and trust me he pleads and pleads – I have not betrayed his marriage vows since finding out. What I want most of all is for new found super strength of knowing in my hearts of hearts I want and need someone to do it for me do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third in every way. I want the married boy out of my head. I want him far far way from my head and my thoughts.
So why the fuck is he still there front and center? As good as I feel in my own self confidence and newly gained knowledge of self I still have him there in my head and I can’t see anyone else. Everyone else is compared to a man I basically have nothing with. I do have nothing with. I can’t even be ok with thinking someday he will leave his wife because I am well aware of Karma and no way am I fucking with Karma like that. In the old days I would have swallowed three bottles of red wine followed by at least a six pack to turn this pain and agony off. These days that is the last place I turn. I guess I should be all kinds of proud of my progress, but today all I can think about is him, wishing and hoping he is thinking about me.




Material Girls

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they're okay
If they don't give me proper credit
I just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can't see the light, that's right, that's right
'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always Mister Right

'Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Some boys romance, some boys slow dance
That's alright with me
If they can't raise my interest then I
Have to let them be

Some boys try and some boys lie but
I don't let them play, no way, no way
Only boys that save their pennies
Make my rainy day

'Cause they are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl


Living in a material world
(Material)
Living in a material world
Living in a material world
(Material)
Living in a material world

Boys may come and boys may go
And that's alright you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they're after me

'Cause everybody's living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

A material, a material
A material, a material world