Tick tock tick tock. Lately I feel like I am always wanting time to slow down OR hurry up. This morning in bed I wanted time to STOP, I needed way more time to sleep. Right now I need time to fast forward so I can leave this godforsaken office. No satisfaction with time these days. Where did 2010 go? We BLINKED and it’s now almost 2011. I feel like the year has literally flown past me. It’s interesting that at the end of this year 2010 I am not filled with tremendous regret shame or hate. I find myself much more content with myself and with others. I spent millions of minutes obsessing about the thoughts of others and my skewed mental interpretations of what I was convinced others were saying about me. I needed you you and you to like me. If someone I didn’t know scowled on the street I would be personally offended – wasn’t my bright and brilliant smile enough to make the stranger have a good day? What is wrong with everyone? You must like me, I need you to like, if you don’t like I won’t feel good about myself. No wonder I never felt good about myself.
FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT FOREVER. It is so nice and refreshing to step outside of that coocoo’s nest of mental anguish. 2010 whether it was ticking down fast or slow, has been a year of much growth. You don’t like me – GOOD – I most likely have 100 reasons ready why I don’t like you all ready to go in my mental mess of a head. Don’t like me, stop talking to me, ignore, delete me from the facebook. Please. I no longer crave the fair-weather crap of yesterday. I don’t want to be everyone’s friend. I don’t want to be anyone’s slave (except Gert). I don’t all the pressure and expectations that ruined so many of my relationships in the past to ruin anything in my future. If you don’t like me, I really don’t fucking care.
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