And that was that

As I slowly baby step my way into this new way of thinking – positive versus negative – I realize for the first time in a long time I am not setting myself up for failure. I am no longer looking at the day, week or month as a long arduous uphill battle that I have no motivation to conquer. Like last week even when angst and anxiety creep into my brains I’m not freaked out. I’m cognizant and aware and literally for the very first time I am going with the flow. I used to pretend I knew what that term meant, ‘go with the flow’ and no my definition had nothing to do with my period. I thought if I thought I was going with the flow then I was. HA. Not so much. I was trying to control the flow – the speed, intensity, gallons pushed out per minute.

I understand now why 2010 was so very challenging for me. I was just coming to terms with two important things – number one recognizing that I am not the most important person in the world nor do I want to be and number two acknowledging the train wreck past sans denial and coming to terms with it. That’s enough to make a completely sane person go crazy and have a nervous breakdown, scratch that sane people do not need to come to terms with those things they never bother them to begin with hence the sanity.

During my many years of self hate and delusion that was fueled by hate, alcohol, gossip, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, you get it all the vices and then some, I was not putting two and two together. In my mess of a head 2 + 2 = like 90. I was always on fast forward, always craving more – more what? More everything, more attention, more alcohol, more ‘candy’, more boys, more BFFs, more parties, more fun, more more more. It was all about me me me. I even had chapstick that said It’s All About Me and I loved the roll. I was the loudmouth no wanted to sit next to at dinner. I was definitely the last person in the world anyone should have handed a baby to. I was not a good friend. I was not a coworker. I was not a good assistant in that I did not adhere to the most important and critical aspects of my own job – ethics and confidentiality. I allowed myself time and time and time again to be involved in chaotic nights, lies, blackmail, mean spirited hateful gossip.
Girls are down right evil at times and I was pretty fucking unbearable. Worst secret keeper ever. Worst friend. Talk about DENIAL. All those insanity spun years and me sitting pretty convinced I was untouchable. No one talked about ME behind my back, they wouldn’t, they couldn’t. I’m a great friend to them so they think. They would never betray me as I am betraying them via text message as they sit next to me spilling their guts about their latest heartache or break. OMG no never.

Then all that garbage I just mentioned turned on me and I became TOO AWARE of the wreckage. Way too fucking aware. Acknowledging the train wreck and coming to terms with the train wreck are two completely different approaches. Where as I thought I was leaping leap years ahead of myself by claiming responsibility for my past transgressions – LOOK AT ME, I WAS BAD AND NOW I’M GOOD , I was in fact sending myself into a deep dark downward spiral of yuck. It's called Depression and it's no fun at all. I’ve decided to write two posts on this being in the depression and being out of it. It will be my own yin and yang. This post now about the yuck and another post about all of the good that survived and/or happened during the yuck. Nothing is ever all bad or all good. I see that much clearer now. I’m no longer shrouded in horrible guilt and shame about badness in the past.

Depression is an evil monster that feeds on itself, similar to hate it can consume you and bring you to the depths of the most miserable places in the world on the INSIDE while on the OUTSIDE you are surrounded by love light and hope. My own head is truly one of the most frightening places to find yourself. HA to anyone who has tried, good lord my poor poor mother. What she has not gone through in all of this but I’m saving that for the post on the good. Every single moment of every single day was hell inside my head. Nothing was acceptable, nothing was right. Everything was boring, repetitive, non stop, annoying. Looking back I am fairly certain there were insanely long periods of time where I did not enjoy one single thing. Even breathing was upsetting because I did not want to be alive. When your brain is on repeat that there is no point waking up tomorrow it’s pretty hard to function. You’re not a normal person, you’re not thinking normal thoughts. You are aware of the mess you are in and/or created and your comfort zone is knowing you could end it all. You could drive off a bridge. You could drive off a cliff. You could take lots of certain OTC meds and never wake up. You know people who have succeeded and you envy them. You want to be a junkie on the street because at least they love something albeit drugs. Anything is better than you – who you are, where you are, what you want to do. Hopes and dreams do not exist when you’re depressed. Hopes and dreams are a noose around your neck. They suffocate you and wake you up at night. Hope, ha hope. There is no hope. If hope existed I would not be in the state I am in. Dreams, my dreams are nothing. I am nothing. You have everything. Your life is perfect and I fucking hate you. I hate your problems – what I wouldn’t give to have your problems. Oh my god your problems aren’t real problems, I could solve YOUR shit in a heart, I would NEVER end up like you I AM WAY TOO SMART. All is nothing and nothing is all. There is no beginning because the hell fire already consumed it. Life is sucked out of everyone and everything that exists around you. Inanimate objects infuriate you and nothing is ever good enough.

That’s a lot. It feels really good to get that OUT. I feel like a wave of water just splashed over me. I am very grateful for this forum as a way to keep moving myself forward. More soon, and on the good, the light the love and my many many hopes and dreams.

F%ck perfect

Go back a little to leap further. John Clarke

What I would like to do is write/post at least once a week. About what I do not know. Instead of setting the expectation I need to write/post daily I’ve cut myself some slack and my goal is now weekly. Not sure how I will do this, if I will write a little each day or if I will sit down and just write it all in one day. Maybe both, maybe neither. I just know it feels so good to write. I like words more than people, but not more than my dog.

I want a new tattoo, but a concept is not coming to me. I love my tattoos so much, they really really really make me so happy. For each time was definitely spent on everything from concept to color to why to where. Earlier today I ran into a friend who is starting his own shop and is offering me free ink. Free ink doesn’t happen often especially when one is itching to have something new created. I have a jumble of what I want in my head, but it’s not coming out. I’m trying not to push it, but running into my friend made me remember free ink offers don’t last long!

It is so freaking nice to wake up and NOT hate the day. SO NICE. I don’t hate anyone even when people piss me off! No longer is my first thought I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE (metaphorically of course). I did not necessarily have the best week this week. I had some anxiety creep in. I was missing a good friend and tick tocking about my mom arriving. Very eh at times. I was also OBSESSING like only a freaking girl can over NONSENSE. Lucky for me (who am I?) I discussed said ruminating hot ridiculous thought with a very sane and rational friend. What happened next only the universe that insists on loving me could have sent. The issue creating the yuck in my head resolved itself in the most gentle benevolent way possible. It took me back several steps. It made me question myself in a healthy rational way. The obsessing had stopped during my beach walk with my sane friend and when the issue came back I was so ok with it. There was no way not to be ok with it and I took happy accountability in learning from my little episode instead of letting it consume me in the most unhealthy of ways. I am so happy my mind is no trapped in the dark cloud it was in for so long.

Now that I am walking in the light, literally, and not the dark, figuratively in my head, I am now able to look back on the past year, past two years, past 5 years, past 10 years with way less fear and trepidation. Less anxiety about memories buried deep that creep and ruin all kinds of moments. I do not enjoy being the ruiner of moments. I’ve been aware of the trainwreckness I have created and left in my wake. But today I am also aware of the good times, the friendships that have somehow stayed in place or grown. I have so many things that make me happy on a daily basis and it’s really REALLY nice to feel them, like them, enjoy them, love them, feel them. I’m not scared to feel anymore, even when it hurts. So far I’m doing ok.

I still do not know how ‘this’ happened. I cannot and will define “this” other than to say I know I am no longer depressed. I am way more even keeled, way less anxious. Everyone is noticing and it’s not new. It’s months old. I have survived MYSELF and grown into a much more secure and content woman. I still get to let the girl in me out, I get to make mistakes. I’m not scared anymore. I have no hate in my heart anymore. No hate directed towards myself, not hate for anyone else. Even after not the best week ever I feel great. It was an amazing day my friend who I was missing is returning this evening and we may or not take the evening by storm. Who knows what the evening will bring. It’s so nice to let the universe do it’s magical wonderful work and relieve myself of trying to!

Wide Open Spaces

Isn’t it funny that sometimes you can listen to a song over and over throughout the years and WHAM out of the blue a particular line just jumps out of the speakers and consumes you? I know that music has always meant a lot to me, but up until recently it didn’t dawn on me how much of an impact it has on my overall psyche. Considering the fact that my all time be all end all favorite movie is Almost Famous one would think I would be considered to be a music junkie, a lover of rock and roll, someone who attends 100+ concerts a year. I’m not. I do not have a box of concert stubs, I do not scour the internet searching for upcoming shows and I barely know anyone involved in the local music scene in San Diego. But music is in my soul and music moves me like nothing else.

Looking back in retrospect of my dark depression I purposely would not listen to music because I knew it would make me feel better. I knew it would get me out of the never ending funk. And I knew it would bring me the much needed release from the crazy that was ruminating in my head. I would like to embrace my music again, I plan to feel it, live it and breathe it. No more changing the channel because a song brings up a certain memory that I dislike, I’m keeping the song on and confronting the misery. I refuse to allow one of my most favorite things to do be clouded in darkness. I have my music back and I’m not putting it away ever again.

Yesterday morning, Wide Open Spaces killed me. It killed me as I drove along Kearny Villa. Killed me in a good way. Thank god there were no jarheads traffic flirting because the tears they were a streaming down my face. My little tear filled epiphany warmed my heart. I realized my depression really and truly is behind me – it’s no longer consuming me and I am so ok with this. Instead of taking comfort in the pain and misery, I’m embracing the good and the light, I’m not resenting my mistakes or my short comings, I’m content with not being perfect – perfect people are crazy. I’m not crazy, I am pretty sane and logical when I allow myself to be. I’m different for sure, an absolute freak with little patience but mucho common sense. I’ve never ever wanted to be the norm, on the average, ok with the middle. I have no idea why I was striving so hard for the past ten years to force myself to be there – the norm, average and in the middle. Fuck that. I’m way WAY too Frantastic for that and I finally believe that. I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else. I am awesome and I am going to own my awesomeness from here on out.

She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes

Until that moment on Kearny Villa I was oblivious and in complete denial that line defines me. For a little over 10 years now I have been making mistake after mistake after mistake and was full of regret guilt and shame. Today I do not have the weight of guilt regret or shame hanging in me or over me. Where it went I have no freaking idea, but I love it. I’m not questioning where it went because I don’t want it to come back. We all need to make mistakes, we need to be ok with these mistakes. Living in misery, in dark places, isolating, consumed by sadness, inundated with ruminating nasty thoughts – ugh. I don’t like that. It’s suffocating and uncomfortable.

I want to continue to be ok with me being me. I really like me. I’m not new and I definitely don’t suck. I know I’m a good friend and I now believe I am a good friend. I’m not second guessing any of my relationships – the close ones, the distant ones, the acquaintances, the ones I could really do without but can’t burn bridges. I’m ok with all of them. I have no hate in my heart today even for people I really dislike.

So all this time, all the distance – actual and metaphysical – that I created was me being depressed and unhappy with everything. For so long nothing made me happy, nothing. Everything aggravated me – from waking up to going to bed, aggravation station. I don’t know why this has stopped, but I do know I never ever want to be in that dark place again. I want to take 2011 to rationally acknowledge my personal growth in 2010. Today, right now I am literally taking comfort in acknowledging I have stepped out of the dark and am excited for the light. All I needed was a wide open space FROM MYSELF and room to breathe and make those mistakes on my own terms. Now that I am ok with my myriad of mistakes I can look back and be filled with gratitude about the lessons all of those mistakes taught me.

What I want for 2011 is a wide berth – a HUGE berth – to make lots of mistakes. I want to continue to give myself a break. Cut myself the slack I cut everyone else. I’m not into resolutions – they make me anxious but I am into goals. My goal for 2011 is to be more consistent in everything I do – consistent with not trying to be perfect, consistent with my writing/blogging instead of regretting on days I don’t get a chance to write, I will be grateful for the days I do write. I’m removing all of the negative expectations I have held onto so dearly for so long. I’m living in the moment and enjoying today. I am very aware of the high stakes I am gambling with, it’s called reality and I love it.

Lyrics: Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks - 1998
Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test


She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

She knows the highest stakes