F%ck perfect

Go back a little to leap further. John Clarke

What I would like to do is write/post at least once a week. About what I do not know. Instead of setting the expectation I need to write/post daily I’ve cut myself some slack and my goal is now weekly. Not sure how I will do this, if I will write a little each day or if I will sit down and just write it all in one day. Maybe both, maybe neither. I just know it feels so good to write. I like words more than people, but not more than my dog.

I want a new tattoo, but a concept is not coming to me. I love my tattoos so much, they really really really make me so happy. For each time was definitely spent on everything from concept to color to why to where. Earlier today I ran into a friend who is starting his own shop and is offering me free ink. Free ink doesn’t happen often especially when one is itching to have something new created. I have a jumble of what I want in my head, but it’s not coming out. I’m trying not to push it, but running into my friend made me remember free ink offers don’t last long!

It is so freaking nice to wake up and NOT hate the day. SO NICE. I don’t hate anyone even when people piss me off! No longer is my first thought I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE (metaphorically of course). I did not necessarily have the best week this week. I had some anxiety creep in. I was missing a good friend and tick tocking about my mom arriving. Very eh at times. I was also OBSESSING like only a freaking girl can over NONSENSE. Lucky for me (who am I?) I discussed said ruminating hot ridiculous thought with a very sane and rational friend. What happened next only the universe that insists on loving me could have sent. The issue creating the yuck in my head resolved itself in the most gentle benevolent way possible. It took me back several steps. It made me question myself in a healthy rational way. The obsessing had stopped during my beach walk with my sane friend and when the issue came back I was so ok with it. There was no way not to be ok with it and I took happy accountability in learning from my little episode instead of letting it consume me in the most unhealthy of ways. I am so happy my mind is no trapped in the dark cloud it was in for so long.

Now that I am walking in the light, literally, and not the dark, figuratively in my head, I am now able to look back on the past year, past two years, past 5 years, past 10 years with way less fear and trepidation. Less anxiety about memories buried deep that creep and ruin all kinds of moments. I do not enjoy being the ruiner of moments. I’ve been aware of the trainwreckness I have created and left in my wake. But today I am also aware of the good times, the friendships that have somehow stayed in place or grown. I have so many things that make me happy on a daily basis and it’s really REALLY nice to feel them, like them, enjoy them, love them, feel them. I’m not scared to feel anymore, even when it hurts. So far I’m doing ok.

I still do not know how ‘this’ happened. I cannot and will define “this” other than to say I know I am no longer depressed. I am way more even keeled, way less anxious. Everyone is noticing and it’s not new. It’s months old. I have survived MYSELF and grown into a much more secure and content woman. I still get to let the girl in me out, I get to make mistakes. I’m not scared anymore. I have no hate in my heart anymore. No hate directed towards myself, not hate for anyone else. Even after not the best week ever I feel great. It was an amazing day my friend who I was missing is returning this evening and we may or not take the evening by storm. Who knows what the evening will bring. It’s so nice to let the universe do it’s magical wonderful work and relieve myself of trying to!