Wide Open Spaces

Isn’t it funny that sometimes you can listen to a song over and over throughout the years and WHAM out of the blue a particular line just jumps out of the speakers and consumes you? I know that music has always meant a lot to me, but up until recently it didn’t dawn on me how much of an impact it has on my overall psyche. Considering the fact that my all time be all end all favorite movie is Almost Famous one would think I would be considered to be a music junkie, a lover of rock and roll, someone who attends 100+ concerts a year. I’m not. I do not have a box of concert stubs, I do not scour the internet searching for upcoming shows and I barely know anyone involved in the local music scene in San Diego. But music is in my soul and music moves me like nothing else.

Looking back in retrospect of my dark depression I purposely would not listen to music because I knew it would make me feel better. I knew it would get me out of the never ending funk. And I knew it would bring me the much needed release from the crazy that was ruminating in my head. I would like to embrace my music again, I plan to feel it, live it and breathe it. No more changing the channel because a song brings up a certain memory that I dislike, I’m keeping the song on and confronting the misery. I refuse to allow one of my most favorite things to do be clouded in darkness. I have my music back and I’m not putting it away ever again.

Yesterday morning, Wide Open Spaces killed me. It killed me as I drove along Kearny Villa. Killed me in a good way. Thank god there were no jarheads traffic flirting because the tears they were a streaming down my face. My little tear filled epiphany warmed my heart. I realized my depression really and truly is behind me – it’s no longer consuming me and I am so ok with this. Instead of taking comfort in the pain and misery, I’m embracing the good and the light, I’m not resenting my mistakes or my short comings, I’m content with not being perfect – perfect people are crazy. I’m not crazy, I am pretty sane and logical when I allow myself to be. I’m different for sure, an absolute freak with little patience but mucho common sense. I’ve never ever wanted to be the norm, on the average, ok with the middle. I have no idea why I was striving so hard for the past ten years to force myself to be there – the norm, average and in the middle. Fuck that. I’m way WAY too Frantastic for that and I finally believe that. I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else. I am awesome and I am going to own my awesomeness from here on out.

She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes

Until that moment on Kearny Villa I was oblivious and in complete denial that line defines me. For a little over 10 years now I have been making mistake after mistake after mistake and was full of regret guilt and shame. Today I do not have the weight of guilt regret or shame hanging in me or over me. Where it went I have no freaking idea, but I love it. I’m not questioning where it went because I don’t want it to come back. We all need to make mistakes, we need to be ok with these mistakes. Living in misery, in dark places, isolating, consumed by sadness, inundated with ruminating nasty thoughts – ugh. I don’t like that. It’s suffocating and uncomfortable.

I want to continue to be ok with me being me. I really like me. I’m not new and I definitely don’t suck. I know I’m a good friend and I now believe I am a good friend. I’m not second guessing any of my relationships – the close ones, the distant ones, the acquaintances, the ones I could really do without but can’t burn bridges. I’m ok with all of them. I have no hate in my heart today even for people I really dislike.

So all this time, all the distance – actual and metaphysical – that I created was me being depressed and unhappy with everything. For so long nothing made me happy, nothing. Everything aggravated me – from waking up to going to bed, aggravation station. I don’t know why this has stopped, but I do know I never ever want to be in that dark place again. I want to take 2011 to rationally acknowledge my personal growth in 2010. Today, right now I am literally taking comfort in acknowledging I have stepped out of the dark and am excited for the light. All I needed was a wide open space FROM MYSELF and room to breathe and make those mistakes on my own terms. Now that I am ok with my myriad of mistakes I can look back and be filled with gratitude about the lessons all of those mistakes taught me.

What I want for 2011 is a wide berth – a HUGE berth – to make lots of mistakes. I want to continue to give myself a break. Cut myself the slack I cut everyone else. I’m not into resolutions – they make me anxious but I am into goals. My goal for 2011 is to be more consistent in everything I do – consistent with not trying to be perfect, consistent with my writing/blogging instead of regretting on days I don’t get a chance to write, I will be grateful for the days I do write. I’m removing all of the negative expectations I have held onto so dearly for so long. I’m living in the moment and enjoying today. I am very aware of the high stakes I am gambling with, it’s called reality and I love it.

Lyrics: Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks - 1998
Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test


She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

She knows the highest stakes