Islands in the stream

Everything is nothin' if you got no one

Something is happening in my brain and it doesn’t suck. There is some type of soft and gentle peace that is absolutely conquering the twisted and dark thoughts that usually win by a hundred fold each hour. I’m finding it impossible to not be mindful here. Yes everything is new, but it’s more than just that. I’m not beating myself up as much. My brain isn’t eating itself this week. It’s Thursday and no mental meltdowns. None inside my head nor outside. This is rare. This hasn’t happened in a long time, mostly because I have been trying to force it to happen. So many times throughout my depression, super high omg I feel better, something good just happened and I feel great. And when WHAM whatever good that I imagined or hoped for turned out to be something completely different from what I expected. Always on opposite ends of whatever string of insanity I spun in my head. I have impossibly high expectations of myself and others. Way higher than the average person, I expect the best of myself and everyone around me. I want the best for everyone. This turns my head into a boatload of nonsense. I need to rephrase my own thinking again. Rinse lather repeat of my life.

At night there are frogs everywhere mating. They are very loud and I wish I had some jumping jack fire crackers because I’d be sitting on the patio throwing them. In my head I am. Die frogs die. The mosquitos are mother fuckers. They do not fly away when you swat, they are all Harry Potter during a Quidditch match stealth. I am their golden snitch and they will flight to the death to taste me. There are lots of bugs here and little reptiles of all sorts. Lots of birds, the hummingbirds being the coolest, I’ve seen one nest so far. The nests are made of spiders webs. I love the lush and natural beauty of the island. We live on the East side of the island, on the West side the weather is more tropical, there is a rainforest section with a dam at the top of a small mountain. A creek runs down the mountain and you can swim in the small clear pools which gather sporadically at intervals. There are flowers here and there, I’m told they will bloom over and over all year, not much of changing seasons here. We have had mucho rain, lots and lots and lots. My mom and I planted some seeds today, I can’t wait for our plants and flowers to grow grow grow.

So far what I love best is the slow easy pace. I like having to drive into town, I like the little mom and pop at tne end of our road. We live far out up a remote road which turns to a steep dirt road, perfect for the Jeep and definitely not a road one would ever rush up or down. A ride to the nearest town takes about 20 minutes. There we check the mail, visit the bank or the hardware store; grab lunch or visit the bookstore. A small mom and pop grocery store is also there, it’s definitely a Cheers sort of place. Everything is expensive here, it all comes via boat. The big store for everything is Kmart. There is nothing like a Nordys or even a decent thrift store. No Newbury Street or Hillcrest to purchase gifts for my closet to cherish. I’ve come to see how trips to the mainland will mean the world to me in the future. I put on heels the other day while unpacking. I miss my sexy shoes. Maybe I will finally learn to come around with the online shopping. Right now shopping is the least of my concerns, plus my closet is chock full of kick ass clothes in every variety that no one here has ever seen. Oh I love that. It’s a bit like a whole new wardrobe and that makes me smile. Clothes whore for life. Absolutely. My hair is turning a super pretty color from the sun; I will save my cuts for the mainland and I’m not going to mind, no need for highlights anymore, I have 12 guaranteed hours a day of sun to do that.

Making peace with others used to scare the shit out of me, but after I did it I was so grateful for the real and true friendships that survived. I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I am so all over the place at times, I don’t want to be friends with myself. It’s a bit overwhelming to fathom how many times I have berated myself for not being a good enough friend. I was caught in a web of my own self destruction for the past few years. Not many friendships have started and survived for me over the past few years. There are scant few. The deep dark well of depression had me dark and buried deep in her well of self hate. My brain floated in that deep black well water, my membranes screamed with migraine, they needed rescue from the drowning ruminating words. There was no longer alcohol to wash away depression’s happy grasp of my brain. While high on the well water of hell I hurt before anyone could hurt me; I laughed when I should have cried and turned anything real into a monster of a ball.

So today it’s nice to see I have sailed away from that a bit. I’m no longer thirstily or greedily drinking the depression water. I’m not taking comfort in any sort of pain and I’m not taxing myself or my brain the way I had been. I’m reading and yay writing. I’m translating and taking pictures. I’m breathing and smiling. Not fake smiling, real smiling. No games to play here, no second guessing. I’m not scared of screwing up because no one cares here. There are no deadlines for anything. I do not have a mental brick wall built around my head or my heart anymore. I built that wall instead of giving up on myself. I guess it served a purpose and damn it felt good to crash it down. All things come full circle no matter what in some way or another. Today I’m grateful my circle is rounding out on a time of love and life and laughter. It feels good to be me today and I really like that. Very much.

I'm still gun shy about putting myself out there. Baby steps for sure on that. Where is Dr. Marvin when one needs him? PAGING DR LEO MARVIN, hello come save me from myself. Tomorrow we are going to work on a family friend's farm, I'm really looking forward to some honest hard farm work, nothing like for the body soul and mind. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I meet some peeps with horses. Oh to be able to ride again, the freedom it gives me is nothing else. Best drug ever, horseback riding. Damn good exercise as well. Carrying the little dog up the mountain every morning is starting to pay off in my arms. With all the mountain walking and heat losing weight is so easy right now. It feels so good to be able to look at myself in the mirror. When I don't I know I'm unhappy with everything, mostly me.

For the first time in so long I have so much to look forward to and way less to dread. It's a nice easy feeling, peaceful in my head. We'll see We shall see.

Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin' going on

You do something to me that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got somethin' goin' on

Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah

I can't live without you if the love was gone
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
And you did walk in tonight
Slowly loosen' sight of the real thing

But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and we got no way out
And the message is clear
This could be the year for the real thing

No more will you cry
Baby, I will hurt you never
We start and end as one, in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah

Sail away
Oh, come sail away with me

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
~ Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton

View I look out on each morning when I walk Gert

 

The beach

 

World's smallest apartment empty, I'm looking thru the window on my way to the airport

 

Tomorrow is 3 weeks. Three weeks ago I moved to St Croix. St Croix. It’s been over a month since I left California. I left California, I do not live there anymore. Tomorrow I will get out one of the 7 pieces of tools I own, a screw driver, and take off my CA plates. Wow. Weird on so many levels.

 

The picture is of my last moments in CA. The shot defines my existence there. Empty. So empty. My mind has been messy again. All over the fucking place. Not really up or down, but miserable and quite dark at times. I wrote a blog back in April, but felt it too dark to share. Thinking back on what I call the dark blog, it was cathartic to write, yet hard to comes to real terms with. Ugh I love-hate when my brain is totally on and I do a good deep look on what is festering. I hate when I look into the soup pot of my brain and it’s an over cooked mush of an unedible mess. It cripples me to a point and certain walls and strong mental barriers come crashing down down down. LOCKED SLAM, door shut, gotta go and I don’t want to feel this for real. Feeling anything is still way too new and a bit nauseating to me. I’m still not ready. I’ve been telling myself for way too long that I was ready to start living my life, but I made that mantra an impossible feat.
I’ve been on the worst auto pilot let’s try something new and everything will be ok mode for 15 long arduous years. Trainwrecking my way thru some pretty fucked up shit. Leaving a wake of empty promises and heart breaking nothings. A whirlwind of a life gone, well past it’s due date, old moldy and full of the dark past. My dark log and my dark past, it’s nice to know today neither are haunting me.

My crate of personal effects and household goods cleared US Customs yesterday and was delivered to our house today. It feels so fantastically yay amazing to have all of my stuff here. I really live here. Here. On a freaking mother fucking island. In the Caribbean. Everything I own is here. My dog is here. My cat is here. My Jeep is here. All of my earthly possessions are here. Safe and sound. One broken plate. One single broken plate. Tomorrow I will set up my bed and sleep on my sheets. The kitchen is now full of my kick ass pans and good solid glasses. I am a picky little pain in the ass and I hated using the rented house’s kitchen items. Soon my mom’s will be blended with mine and the kitchen will make sense. My comforter feels delicious on my skin. Gert is sleeping soundly under my leg, loving all her smells from home. Wait. Home is here.  

We don’t live there anymore. No more world’s smallest apartment up the stairs in the back of the complex. No more neighbors to chat it up with and hang out for a minute. Now it’s my mom and my step dad. So different. Oh for more moments like this, my brain is not ruminating, there are no spinning wheels, I’m not running from anything. Way better now. A lot less second guess. I needed consistency. There wasn’t much consistency in my life for a long time and there was serious lack of it in CA. No matter how hard I tried nothing worked. Over and over nothing went my way. I guess the evil perfectionist in my head had the wheel much of the time. I repeatedly chose or put myself in many situations doomed from the start. Consciously and unconsciously for a fact.

Things fall apart, it’s scientific.

And then there are people like me who make them fall apart on purpose.
Today there is a lot of good and solid consistency in my every day life. Living with the parentals is not as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Having my own apartment within their house definitely makes the transition easier and they actually want me here, yet I still Convinced myself it was going to suck is what I did. I had a rough 2nd week here, lots of misery slowly working it’s way OUT of my brain. Not the most pleasant thing to be around. Luckily and consistently my mom and step dad have been there with warm welcome open arms to say it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok. I’ve had a few super sucky fucky days fueled by the self hate self loathing unworthy feeling of doom, but even those unfun days were not catastrophes. So nice to not look back and have those bobbing in my life wake.

View I look out on each morning when I walk Gert.  

So nice to look out and see an ocean I don’t resent because I have no friends to enjoy it with. Here I can walk for miles and miles without a care in the world. I ‘m waking up in a softer and more gentle mood and feel way more at peace with myself than I have in years. Years.

Moving here wasn’t easy. Lots of waiting in hot tropical heat. The power has gone out three nights in a row. Thank god for good food Scrabble and sane parents. After 3 days of traveling to and from the Containerport at the docks to US Customs to the DMW, everything is here. I live here. Here.
OMG in a good way. Tonight I will sleep well. For sure.

Writing is so good for my soul

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” Oscar Wilde.

My mind just goes here there and everywhere. It makes the energizer bunny look lazy. And slovenly. I wish most ardently for a quiet mind. One cannot use a wish on that though. You cannot poof the non stop mind away. Oh I wish wish wish I could Most certainly I have tried tried tried. Ugh. I wish my thoughts came out better. I wish I could get back into scribbling in a notebook. Documenting the madness of my mind was way easier. Take a look at my old textbooks and daily journals or day planners. Well documented madness and I didn’t even realize it was coming out. But in this electronic age, maybe I’m overwhelmed by my choices and picking up a pen or even typing this on my laptop weighs on me. It’s a much needed release yet I deny myself the pleasure and make it a chore.

I also do this sick little evil trick. I refrain from looking at myself in any mirror. Not even in window reflections not in my car. Not at all. I’ve been doing it for years and it means I’m upset about something but am refusing to acknowledge it. I know for a fact it’s happening because I caught a look at myself earlier. For real. By accident I caught my naked thigh all the way up to my slightly disheveled but rock star pretty hair. I really liked what I saw. The recent weight loss my brilliant stylist and a much more positive attitude all contributed to my little moment. I’m so grateful right now for my little me moment. Wake up call, stop denying yourself the pretty. It feels soooooo good you dipshit.

And anxious boys, oh god so over that crap. They all either lie or want me to be way more than I could ever be. None of them want to take even 5 minutes to get to know me. None of them. I cannot and will not be trapped in conversations with myself, trapped, feeling claustrophobic climbing the walls to get away from them or that I am really letting something slide that I shouldn’t. I’m over hearing disgusting stories that turn my stomach or abhorrent nonsense closed minded ridiculousness. I wish so much that dating anyone or anything wasn’t such a knife in my heart. For real. The past two years both with men and/or volunteer commitments everything has really been the wrong fit for me. Several times my heart has been way too big or way too small. It’s been a rough few years of feeling like I can’t win on many levels. I’m glad I stopped trying. I’m more content taking things, everything on a much smaller scale, with no agenda on the horizon. And I’m a bit more in tune to people who are just there to take advantage or fulfill a dream I cannot be. I cannot be rushed into anything, whether it is a meal I’m being served by a waiter or it’s the butterflies of like, I cannot and will not be rushed in my meals or with my love. It’s my love to give and share and I’ve decided to no longer give it on any level just because. I’m thinking it all through with a much more clear perspective and I’m discovering several of my existing relationships and friendships have grown much stronger. I’m no longer demanding your love or shoving mine down your throat. I’m just here. And I’m enjoying myself most days. When my mind isn’t eating itself about the future that is. At least I’m not scared about who I am. I know and like that. Especially now with my pretty moment. Stop not looking the pretty. Stop.

Birdhouse in Your Soul Lyrics Artist: They Might Be Giants  

I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I have a secret to tell From my electrical well It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells So the room must listen to me Filibuster vigilantly My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e My story's infinite Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am There's a picture opposite me Of my primitive ancestry Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free Though I respect that a lot I'd be fired if that were my job After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts Bluebird of friendliness Like guardian angels its always near Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul (and while you're at it Keep the nightlight on inside the Birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Why is writing hard?

I hate that I struggle to write. I hate that there are days upon days when clever and witty things float about my head, but putting them on paper sounds less apealling than crazy thoughts. I suffocate the words and they disappear. I resent myself for the lost creativity and then punish myself for the loss of words that obviously did not matter. But they did. So why didn't I write them? It's a bitch of struggle. Why do I do this? Some times it's music, sometimes it's words. I play a game with them and it annoys the fuck out of me. I need to practice more 5 minute streams of nothing. That's what this is. I set the timer and I am just wrting. For fucks sake.

So many crazy changes this past week. Such amazing exciting holy shit changes. Peace. Super happy peace. Quiet. Quiet once my evil dental work is done. I hope the peace brings the words on paper. Oh I hope so much. I want to write and write. I want to get it all out of my head. For gods sake I need to make all the therapy worth something. I also want the endless stream of dreams and hopes and what ifs to have more accountability. If I write I usually do it. I want more self motivation in my life. Putting it out there holds me way more accountable. I crave that. So very much.