Pink was not my signature color tonight

This morning when I walked Gert the Big Dipper was smack dab in front of me. I was so happy to see it because I recently realized I hadn't seen it in a while. When I couldn't remember exactly where it was I got aggravated with myself. This morning when it appeared before my eye - no searching, no aggravation, no stress - ah the relief. I saw one of my favorite things in the world and gave myself a break all at the same time. WHO AM I?

Who am I, good question. According to my mom I am mayhem. This evening while on the phone with her while walking my dog I noticed a certain gentleman noticing me as he attempted a uturn to park at the curb. His bumper ended up over the 1 ft curb and there was a very apparent large scrape. All this while on the phone with my mom. His windows were down and his face was super red so I waited due to my oh so quiet voice until I was a solid block away before I told my mom what just happened. Without skipping a beat she said "you're mayhem, hahahahaha you are mayhem!". She then paused from our phone conversation and shared this happenstance with my step father. All the while I kept saying "mom i'm not wearing pink nor am I jogging". Good laughs all around.

In the strangest sense of the possible, I find myself to be slightly annoyed with the facts at hand yet I am taking great satisfaction in them and I feel quite sated. Definitely not annoyed, but ponder some. Not really questioning myself, questioning the universe a little, and finding solace in feeling so grounded and not scared. Less fearful, way more hopeful. Proud of myself and committed to taking chances with the unknown.

Changes

I had yet another pep talk with a good guy friend over the weekend. Yet another human who I thought was a man turned out to be nothing more than a horny boy. My guy friend used the phrase: "I always say anxious boys miss dessert". Not only did that phrase change my whole frame of mind in a single second, it empowered me like I have never felt before.

4 little words that suddenly have come to mean so much to me. I love them. I heart them. They are so true so very true.

I don't know why I am able to walk away from this idiot without any mind fuckery. Maybe I have reached my threshold of being ok with waiting it out and refusing to settle. Like Miss Drew Barrymore said over the summer in an Elle article "I'm single at 35 because I choose to not be with the wrong person for me". Me too, me too Drew.

All good

It's all good honestly, you're being you, I would never discredit someone for being themself. In the most simple of terms, we're different. That's not saying either one of us is right or wrong good or bad.  

Do what I do, have a soundtrack of your life, songs that touch your soul. Put one or some of them on. Or lits of them. Or the same song over and over. And then so be it.

And she was lying in the grass
and she could hear the highway breathing.
And she could see a nearby factory

She's making sure she is not dreaming.
See the lights of a neighbor's house

now she's starting to rise.
Take a minute to concentrate and she opens up her eyes.

The world was moving she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving she was floatin' above it and she was - and she was.

And she was drifting through the backyard

And she was taking off her dress.
And she was moving very slowly
rising up above the earth.
Moving into the universe and she's drifting this way and that.
Not touching the ground at all and she's up above the yard.
The world was moving
she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving
she was floatin' above it and she was -

And she was glad about it
no doubt about it

She isn't sure about what she's done

No time to think about what to tell them

No time to think about what she's done and she was -

And she was looking at herself

and things were looking like a movie.
She had a pleasant elevation

she's moving out in all directions.

The world was moving

she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving

she was floatin' above it and she was -
Joining the world of missing persons and she was -
Missing enough to feel alright and she was - and she was -
And she was - and she was - and she was -
and she was - and she was.

~ Talking Heads

Another Friday

Strange how the universe works. I thought I have been resenting much of the world for what feels like forever. Recently I’ve realized it wasn’t the world I had problem with, it was myself. In order to turn this around, the process has been uncomfortable, challenging, upsetting and hard. Yet throughout the arduous process, as it was happening and I was still resenting the world, somewhere along the way, somehow, I started to stop hating on myself so much. Wouldn’t you know as soon as I started to give myself just a baby break I stopped resenting the world so much.

It’s ironic to me that when you’re in the shit in your head it’s impossible to get out. You take comfort in the darkness even though you resent the shit out of it. Such a vicious cycle of yuck. But that baby step out, just the tinest baby step, really garners true perspective even in the most craziest of minds.

I hope it continues, this great feeling of walking in the light. I know they told Carol Ann to stay away from the light, but I want to walk in the light. It’s way safer than the dark.

My head isn't full of scattered thoughts today. It's a nice and refreshing way to feel. I should be freaking out right now. Not much moola in the bank account, yet another man has turned into a definite NO and yet again we didnt even make it to a second date. Morons, surrounded by morons and assclowns in the dating world. Oh and liars, I especially love the liars. The latest one, oh it's good, he casually mentions to me that the over the previous night - he worked 11-7 - he was released. I thought he meant released like got to go home early. Nope. Released like fired. Fired as in no longer gainfully employed. Yup. WHAT IS IT WITH ME? WHY DO THEY ALL FIND ME? Thankfully I found this all out before date two. Oh and the reason for the firing, it's another goodie, his background check for his new employer came back showing a DV charge. What's a DV charge you ask? I had to ask, not up on felon/criminal lingo these days - why didn't I realize the acronym - what am I new? Domestic Violence. Yeah more good times. So to me, domestic violence is like someone bringing a gun to a school - it should never happen and requires ZERO tolerance. I wonder when he will stop texting hey you, what's going on? Ugh.

I am thrilled that my baby girl appears to be fully on the mend, she has turned the pinched nerve around and is no longer having 'episodes" - thank christ. Seriously. My dog in pain and/or distress is like a knife in my heart. I would take a knife in my heart any day than 1 second of pain for my little bug. I love her so damn much. Yay she is officially - 48 hours - better. Yay.

Wednesday

What is it about Wednesday? You either are happy or annoyed no way around it. This week is not dragging which is pleasant for me. Gert appears to be completely rebounding and I hope this isn't just in my head. My poor baby girl.

I am not thrilled about the state of my finances right now. Damn vet raped me and I am living like I was 23 until my next paycheck. Way too embarrased to ask my mom to cover me.

The full moon on Friday is what I am really looking forward to. I could and want to sit for hours and watch it. One time (not at band camp) I was camping out east with a friend and it happened to be a full moon. The coolest thing ever was watching the moon rise over the mountains. Laying on the bare ground next to a roaring fire watching that awesome and powerful moon is a moment I shall never forget. I hope I get some moon time in this week. Cloud cover better disappear.

poem of the moment

Gloomy skies swollen eyes pulsing blood vessels achy neck muscles not feeling today have nothing to say head is pounding irrational sounding thoughts overwhelming everything unsatisfying disliking today i have noting to say

My dog means the world to me

Absolutely dying right now. Gert is having lab work done after I had to bring her to the emergency vet. She kind of fell/rolled off the couch and then started drunk/wobbly walking barely though and she was taking slow shallow breathes. My head was screaming omg no why is this really happening? I scooped her up ran/walked fast to the jeep, 90 mph on the 8, Taylor circle, screaming head why why why park at vet ER carry her inside tears streaming downy face omg why is this happening tech comes right up quick recap they take her away cold grey doors swing tick tick they make a noise people are talking around me my head is screaming why why please Jesus Christ Jesus filing Christ please make her ok why why why stupid asshole people to my left laughing stop talking Spanish assholes can't you see me here crying hot tears vining my cheeks cannot breathe for real heart aching please please pleAse make my baby ok dying why aren't they coming out what the fuck is wrong something must bs wrong they won't look at me tears streaming down my face pleAse please please make her ok i love her so much she isy best friend door swings dog with iv comes out happy you're ok buddy but where's gert where is my baby girl is she ok god is she ok please please pleAse make her ok

Fuck.

Friday

Yay it's Friday, finally. Seems like the longest.week.ever.

For some STRANGE reason my head isn't spinning. I had a bit of an emotional week with having to say goodbye to both my mom and my cat. I really miss my cat a lot. But I'm dealing with it way better than I ever thought possible. Had one day of serious waterworks but that was a therapy day and everything evened itself out. I have good stuff to think about therapy wise and I'm not resenting my work or my meds. At least not today.

Still have to force myself to write though. So hard. Me not able to write makes no sense. Me not writing makes no sense. It's a major release that I definitely need. So I have taken to my little blog to see if I can motivate and be consistent with some writings. I picked up a book on hand lettering - going to get back into it, memories of Sister Winifred have come back to me when I look at the lettering book. I've never looked at fudge the same way since 8th grade that's for sure.

I have a good weekend ahead, a date, a ride on my new bike (rain rain stay away) and some errands. Time with Gert and food shopping for the week. Laundry isn't too high only 1-2 loads tops.

All is well. This cannot be. Who stole my life?

Strange signs around my neighborhood

There are some super bright fluorescent signs with the message "Anthony Please Call Me" in big black letters all over my neighborhood. I'm taking poster board, poster paint and some tools to get these signs up. What in the world is this for? I get that someone - most likely a girl - is looking for this guy Anthony. What gets me is don't we all occasionally have crazy thoughts - well maybe if I do this that will happen yet rarely follow through. What in the world possessed this creature to create all of these signs? Is she preggers? Is Anthony a son, lover, husband? Did she lose her man to the poker room down the street? Did he disappear into casino smoked filled gamblers heaven? Who knows. I know the signs are bugging the crap out of me.