Back in the early 80s there was a static station on our newly installed cable television, it was station 6, no one ever watched it, they ran times new roman ads for things like the Knights of Columbus, the schools, the DARE program. It was an early electronic community bulletin board of sorts. They played music in the background, people could call in for requests and dedications. And I did. Oh boy I did. I remember calling them and asking them to play Material Girl over and over. There were also repeated requests/demands for U2 and Duran Duran. I absolutely remember getting pissed when the line was busy.
I also remember once a boy who liked me got thru and dedicated Shooting Star by Bad Company to me. I swooned. I can still think back to that tingly OMH HE LIKES ME, ME! OMG.
Remember when people put songs in the background to the recorded message on an answering machine? A friend of mine had It Takes Two by Kris Kross on his for the LONGEST time.
I remember loves and mistakes of my unwritten past, laying next to them listening to David Allan Boucher from Mix 106.7, those late night love song ballards. Those songs spoke everything we were longing to say to each other and multidudes more. The anticipation of the next song was something fun to look forward to. Hot sweaty summer nights on a deck and nothing but the music and sounds of sweet words and soft lullabies. Listening to the dedications, the DJ's side note editorials about life and love in that deep sexy Barry White voice that was made for radio.
I don't listen to the radio much anymore. I lost my love with radio when I moved to SD, there was one morning talk show I liked and little else. For so long it's my ipod or sirius. The island has some pretty decent stations; so far they are a million times better than anything I heard in SD. I wonder if there is something still live on air here that will bring me back to that time? When a simple song dedication was the clearest and easiest way to send a message with a song. What a lost and lovely art.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Slowing down and skipping the light fandango
It is so nice to slow down in every single aspect of my life. Having been on a 20 year whirlwind fast forward (there being European cities I have visited that I have negative recollection of), this slow down is much warranted and very welcome. It's really nice to feel good about myself. I have not had this much good honest consistency for the longest time.
I used to think the light of my fandango fantastic life was never going to stop. I never held on to much because I could always get it again, I was the opposite of mindful. I remember once in a therapy type situation someone sharing about a friend of theirs who would always exclaim when on vacation or visiting a new place "OMG I CAN"T WAIT TO COME HERE AGAIN". Not much wrong with falling in love instantly with some of the beautiful things that Mother Nature throws our way, the problem with that statement was that the exclaimer hardly ever visited any of the places she most ardently wanted to get back to. She skipped over so many magical and wonderful moments. Never smelling the roses because there was always tomorrow and 100 even sweeter roses.
I was just like that. Always waiting for the next time. Next time every thing will be different and it will better for sure. I damn near lost myself trying to achieve a really super good time, next time. After giving California 3 years 3 months and 21 days (oh that sneaking number 3 and all of it's many denominators) which felt like a never ending eternity of loneliness. My mom's trips were often partially fast forwarded because there was always the next trip I would beg and plead with her to take. Come back and save me from myself. Sporadic times with friends were mostly half hearted efforts because there was always next time and it would be super great. Um, duh I was never ever giving today a chance. I didn't smell any roses, I drove over any roses in my direct line of site, repeatedly as I drove home from work angry and frantic each day. Every single day rushing home to sit anxious and alone on my couch to wait for tomorrow. Resenting my wonderful and loving dog because she needed to be walked each morning and each night. Giving up at work because I worked at company full of circle talkers and people who resented my organizational skills, in fact they made fun of them. I gave up on the one thing that I always had, the thing that I was always guaranteed to gain solid honest self worthiness from. I gave up so much in trying to find myself. So much was skipped over waiting for tomorrow when everything was going to be better, ok, right, happy and fun. Tomorrow.
One particular thing that used to kill me about my mental mind fucking routine of the past few years was all the rushing. I rushed EVERYTHING. I needed/wanted/demanded whatever item/person/challenge/obstacle/drama was MINE, ALL MINE, to create/own/oversee/manage/live. Oh yes I was always RIGHT. Talk about a dichotomy of mind fuckery at it's glory. Off on, off on. Katy Perry nailed me in Hot and Cold so my best friend once told me. We were joking in our usual witty sarcastic way, he was DEAD ON though and it stuck in my mind. Nothing was ever good. There were no tomorrows. I dreaded everything, every single moment. I over thought, I over did, I over compensated, over expected, could have easily over dosed and stopped the pain of waking tomorrow (remember the tomorrow I most ardently craved and was rushing to?). Those tomorrows almost did me in. I could be over the moon floating on air and then fall off my moon cloud most ungracefully in a matter of moments. I missed so much of my own life rushing home to resent one of my greatest loves ever. I flew past you on the highway so not to wait one single second for someone to get in MY way. I shopped and cooked and honed my culinary skills, but loneliness was my only dinner companion. Even when I was out with someone else, person A, B, or C, loneliness and misery were still sitting next to me ordering the special.
It's such an easy way of life here and I no longer feel the rushy rush pressure of myself or anyone else. I love what I am feeling from head to toe. I love losing weight without even thinking about it. I LOVE not hating myself in a bathing suit. I'm not faking floating on fake air with fake people these days. I'm not trying to fit in with anyone or anything. I've met some really amazing people who contribute directly to the real greater good; I've finally found honest interesting caring people and a culture where I'm not scared to be me. I'm not hiding anything from others or myself. I love floating in the ocean here; I feel like the mermaid who took Neptune for a ride, in fact maybe she's me. I feel a peace growing, albeit slowly and way more maturely. There is no goddamn way in hell I am going back to hell ever again. I will never ever allow my mind to eat itself. No more Hanibal Lectoring myself. I am feeling demons guilt and haunt leave me. There is no comfort in that depressed dark place I used to call home. The slow release of the hell and hate makes my mornings happy, my walks with Gert are now one of the best parts of each day for me.
I like what this island is doing to me. I'm not rushing anymore. I feel an open sky, a super high ceiling and no rush to find tomorrow. I'm listening (and learning so much!) and praying and breathing and eating and enjoying. I drive cautiously and respectfully. Life here is happening all around me and I have no desire or pull to skip out on my own life in search of that expectation filled tomorrow. I love slowly washing the dishes while gazing across a blue green sea with Buck Island about 1/2 mile away. I love my proximity to nature of all kinds, plants, animals and views oh my! I love having people to have lunch with, grab a coffee with, have conversation with. I missed these small little social happenings so much. Baby steps (Thank you Dr. Marvin) towards a quieter happier me. Definitely not hating tomorrow, not scared of it, no dread or knots in my tummy. The no need to rush for anything mantra is starting to create a little private beat in my head. There is no screaming though; no desire to over run or over write myself. I'm not competing with empty promises to myself and others and I'm hard pressed to allow the thought of losing this strength.
It feels so good to write and think and create again. Being on farms, around lots of animals, getting dirty and sweaty while praising and sustaining the good earth below my feet, having direct contact with everything from 1 inch baby lizards to gorgeous thoroughbred horses who loving roam free at an eco-camp I might be spending lots of time at hopefully in the direct near future. Ahhhh sustainable living, Eating what you grow right outside the back door; taking only what you need from mother earth. No hating, no hurting, the evil dichotomy of me has ceased to run the show. Frantic is not on this island. No way is she allowed in, I told customs keep crazy away from these shores. I have no desire to step back into that dark misery ball my life turned into. None zilch zero. I'm really not lying to myself anymore. There is no absolutely no reason to rush tomorrow and the truth is very plain for me to see. I hated who I was and I'm no longer of who I am. I don't hate me anymore, not by a long shot.
A Whiter Shade of Pale
Brooker / Fisher / Reid of Procol Harum
We skipped the light fandangoturned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died
If music be the food of love
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
I used to think the light of my fandango fantastic life was never going to stop. I never held on to much because I could always get it again, I was the opposite of mindful. I remember once in a therapy type situation someone sharing about a friend of theirs who would always exclaim when on vacation or visiting a new place "OMG I CAN"T WAIT TO COME HERE AGAIN". Not much wrong with falling in love instantly with some of the beautiful things that Mother Nature throws our way, the problem with that statement was that the exclaimer hardly ever visited any of the places she most ardently wanted to get back to. She skipped over so many magical and wonderful moments. Never smelling the roses because there was always tomorrow and 100 even sweeter roses.
I was just like that. Always waiting for the next time. Next time every thing will be different and it will better for sure. I damn near lost myself trying to achieve a really super good time, next time. After giving California 3 years 3 months and 21 days (oh that sneaking number 3 and all of it's many denominators) which felt like a never ending eternity of loneliness. My mom's trips were often partially fast forwarded because there was always the next trip I would beg and plead with her to take. Come back and save me from myself. Sporadic times with friends were mostly half hearted efforts because there was always next time and it would be super great. Um, duh I was never ever giving today a chance. I didn't smell any roses, I drove over any roses in my direct line of site, repeatedly as I drove home from work angry and frantic each day. Every single day rushing home to sit anxious and alone on my couch to wait for tomorrow. Resenting my wonderful and loving dog because she needed to be walked each morning and each night. Giving up at work because I worked at company full of circle talkers and people who resented my organizational skills, in fact they made fun of them. I gave up on the one thing that I always had, the thing that I was always guaranteed to gain solid honest self worthiness from. I gave up so much in trying to find myself. So much was skipped over waiting for tomorrow when everything was going to be better, ok, right, happy and fun. Tomorrow.
One particular thing that used to kill me about my mental mind fucking routine of the past few years was all the rushing. I rushed EVERYTHING. I needed/wanted/demanded whatever item/person/challenge/obstacle/drama was MINE, ALL MINE, to create/own/oversee/manage/live. Oh yes I was always RIGHT. Talk about a dichotomy of mind fuckery at it's glory. Off on, off on. Katy Perry nailed me in Hot and Cold so my best friend once told me. We were joking in our usual witty sarcastic way, he was DEAD ON though and it stuck in my mind. Nothing was ever good. There were no tomorrows. I dreaded everything, every single moment. I over thought, I over did, I over compensated, over expected, could have easily over dosed and stopped the pain of waking tomorrow (remember the tomorrow I most ardently craved and was rushing to?). Those tomorrows almost did me in. I could be over the moon floating on air and then fall off my moon cloud most ungracefully in a matter of moments. I missed so much of my own life rushing home to resent one of my greatest loves ever. I flew past you on the highway so not to wait one single second for someone to get in MY way. I shopped and cooked and honed my culinary skills, but loneliness was my only dinner companion. Even when I was out with someone else, person A, B, or C, loneliness and misery were still sitting next to me ordering the special.
It's such an easy way of life here and I no longer feel the rushy rush pressure of myself or anyone else. I love what I am feeling from head to toe. I love losing weight without even thinking about it. I LOVE not hating myself in a bathing suit. I'm not faking floating on fake air with fake people these days. I'm not trying to fit in with anyone or anything. I've met some really amazing people who contribute directly to the real greater good; I've finally found honest interesting caring people and a culture where I'm not scared to be me. I'm not hiding anything from others or myself. I love floating in the ocean here; I feel like the mermaid who took Neptune for a ride, in fact maybe she's me. I feel a peace growing, albeit slowly and way more maturely. There is no goddamn way in hell I am going back to hell ever again. I will never ever allow my mind to eat itself. No more Hanibal Lectoring myself. I am feeling demons guilt and haunt leave me. There is no comfort in that depressed dark place I used to call home. The slow release of the hell and hate makes my mornings happy, my walks with Gert are now one of the best parts of each day for me.
I like what this island is doing to me. I'm not rushing anymore. I feel an open sky, a super high ceiling and no rush to find tomorrow. I'm listening (and learning so much!) and praying and breathing and eating and enjoying. I drive cautiously and respectfully. Life here is happening all around me and I have no desire or pull to skip out on my own life in search of that expectation filled tomorrow. I love slowly washing the dishes while gazing across a blue green sea with Buck Island about 1/2 mile away. I love my proximity to nature of all kinds, plants, animals and views oh my! I love having people to have lunch with, grab a coffee with, have conversation with. I missed these small little social happenings so much. Baby steps (Thank you Dr. Marvin) towards a quieter happier me. Definitely not hating tomorrow, not scared of it, no dread or knots in my tummy. The no need to rush for anything mantra is starting to create a little private beat in my head. There is no screaming though; no desire to over run or over write myself. I'm not competing with empty promises to myself and others and I'm hard pressed to allow the thought of losing this strength.
It feels so good to write and think and create again. Being on farms, around lots of animals, getting dirty and sweaty while praising and sustaining the good earth below my feet, having direct contact with everything from 1 inch baby lizards to gorgeous thoroughbred horses who loving roam free at an eco-camp I might be spending lots of time at hopefully in the direct near future. Ahhhh sustainable living, Eating what you grow right outside the back door; taking only what you need from mother earth. No hating, no hurting, the evil dichotomy of me has ceased to run the show. Frantic is not on this island. No way is she allowed in, I told customs keep crazy away from these shores. I have no desire to step back into that dark misery ball my life turned into. None zilch zero. I'm really not lying to myself anymore. There is no absolutely no reason to rush tomorrow and the truth is very plain for me to see. I hated who I was and I'm no longer of who I am. I don't hate me anymore, not by a long shot.
A Whiter Shade of Pale
Brooker / Fisher / Reid of Procol Harum
We skipped the light fandangoturned cartwheels 'cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
but the crowd called out for more
The room was humming harder
as the ceiling flew away
When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought a tray
And so it was that later
as the miller told his tale
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale
She said, 'There is no reason
and the truth is plain to see.'
But I wandered through my playing cards
and would not let her be
one of sixteen vestal virgins
who were leaving for the coast
and although my eyes were open
they might have just as well've been closed
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,'
though in truth we were at sea
so I took her by the looking glass
and forced her to agree
saying, 'You must be the mermaid
who took Neptune for a ride.'
But she smiled at me so sadly
that my anger straightway died
If music be the food of love
then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front
then dirt in truth is clean
My mouth by then like cardboard
seemed to slip straight through my head
So we crash-dived straightway quickly
and attacked the ocean bed
Friday, June 10, 2011
Islands in the stream
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
Something is happening in my brain and it doesn’t suck. There is some type of soft and gentle peace that is absolutely conquering the twisted and dark thoughts that usually win by a hundred fold each hour. I’m finding it impossible to not be mindful here. Yes everything is new, but it’s more than just that. I’m not beating myself up as much. My brain isn’t eating itself this week. It’s Thursday and no mental meltdowns. None inside my head nor outside. This is rare. This hasn’t happened in a long time, mostly because I have been trying to force it to happen. So many times throughout my depression, super high omg I feel better, something good just happened and I feel great. And when WHAM whatever good that I imagined or hoped for turned out to be something completely different from what I expected. Always on opposite ends of whatever string of insanity I spun in my head. I have impossibly high expectations of myself and others. Way higher than the average person, I expect the best of myself and everyone around me. I want the best for everyone. This turns my head into a boatload of nonsense. I need to rephrase my own thinking again. Rinse lather repeat of my life.
At night there are frogs everywhere mating. They are very loud and I wish I had some jumping jack fire crackers because I’d be sitting on the patio throwing them. In my head I am. Die frogs die. The mosquitos are mother fuckers. They do not fly away when you swat, they are all Harry Potter during a Quidditch match stealth. I am their golden snitch and they will flight to the death to taste me. There are lots of bugs here and little reptiles of all sorts. Lots of birds, the hummingbirds being the coolest, I’ve seen one nest so far. The nests are made of spiders webs. I love the lush and natural beauty of the island. We live on the East side of the island, on the West side the weather is more tropical, there is a rainforest section with a dam at the top of a small mountain. A creek runs down the mountain and you can swim in the small clear pools which gather sporadically at intervals. There are flowers here and there, I’m told they will bloom over and over all year, not much of changing seasons here. We have had mucho rain, lots and lots and lots. My mom and I planted some seeds today, I can’t wait for our plants and flowers to grow grow grow.
So far what I love best is the slow easy pace. I like having to drive into town, I like the little mom and pop at tne end of our road. We live far out up a remote road which turns to a steep dirt road, perfect for the Jeep and definitely not a road one would ever rush up or down. A ride to the nearest town takes about 20 minutes. There we check the mail, visit the bank or the hardware store; grab lunch or visit the bookstore. A small mom and pop grocery store is also there, it’s definitely a Cheers sort of place. Everything is expensive here, it all comes via boat. The big store for everything is Kmart. There is nothing like a Nordys or even a decent thrift store. No Newbury Street or Hillcrest to purchase gifts for my closet to cherish. I’ve come to see how trips to the mainland will mean the world to me in the future. I put on heels the other day while unpacking. I miss my sexy shoes. Maybe I will finally learn to come around with the online shopping. Right now shopping is the least of my concerns, plus my closet is chock full of kick ass clothes in every variety that no one here has ever seen. Oh I love that. It’s a bit like a whole new wardrobe and that makes me smile. Clothes whore for life. Absolutely. My hair is turning a super pretty color from the sun; I will save my cuts for the mainland and I’m not going to mind, no need for highlights anymore, I have 12 guaranteed hours a day of sun to do that.
Making peace with others used to scare the shit out of me, but after I did it I was so grateful for the real and true friendships that survived. I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I am so all over the place at times, I don’t want to be friends with myself. It’s a bit overwhelming to fathom how many times I have berated myself for not being a good enough friend. I was caught in a web of my own self destruction for the past few years. Not many friendships have started and survived for me over the past few years. There are scant few. The deep dark well of depression had me dark and buried deep in her well of self hate. My brain floated in that deep black well water, my membranes screamed with migraine, they needed rescue from the drowning ruminating words. There was no longer alcohol to wash away depression’s happy grasp of my brain. While high on the well water of hell I hurt before anyone could hurt me; I laughed when I should have cried and turned anything real into a monster of a ball.
So today it’s nice to see I have sailed away from that a bit. I’m no longer thirstily or greedily drinking the depression water. I’m not taking comfort in any sort of pain and I’m not taxing myself or my brain the way I had been. I’m reading and yay writing. I’m translating and taking pictures. I’m breathing and smiling. Not fake smiling, real smiling. No games to play here, no second guessing. I’m not scared of screwing up because no one cares here. There are no deadlines for anything. I do not have a mental brick wall built around my head or my heart anymore. I built that wall instead of giving up on myself. I guess it served a purpose and damn it felt good to crash it down. All things come full circle no matter what in some way or another. Today I’m grateful my circle is rounding out on a time of love and life and laughter. It feels good to be me today and I really like that. Very much.
I'm still gun shy about putting myself out there. Baby steps for sure on that. Where is Dr. Marvin when one needs him? PAGING DR LEO MARVIN, hello come save me from myself. Tomorrow we are going to work on a family friend's farm, I'm really looking forward to some honest hard farm work, nothing like for the body soul and mind. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I meet some peeps with horses. Oh to be able to ride again, the freedom it gives me is nothing else. Best drug ever, horseback riding. Damn good exercise as well. Carrying the little dog up the mountain every morning is starting to pay off in my arms. With all the mountain walking and heat losing weight is so easy right now. It feels so good to be able to look at myself in the mirror. When I don't I know I'm unhappy with everything, mostly me.
For the first time in so long I have so much to look forward to and way less to dread. It's a nice easy feeling, peaceful in my head. We'll see We shall see.
Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin' going on
You do something to me that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got somethin' goin' on
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
I can't live without you if the love was gone
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
And you did walk in tonight
Slowly loosen' sight of the real thing
But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and we got no way out
And the message is clear
This could be the year for the real thing
No more will you cry
Baby, I will hurt you never
We start and end as one, in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Sail away
Oh, come sail away with me
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
~ Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Something is happening in my brain and it doesn’t suck. There is some type of soft and gentle peace that is absolutely conquering the twisted and dark thoughts that usually win by a hundred fold each hour. I’m finding it impossible to not be mindful here. Yes everything is new, but it’s more than just that. I’m not beating myself up as much. My brain isn’t eating itself this week. It’s Thursday and no mental meltdowns. None inside my head nor outside. This is rare. This hasn’t happened in a long time, mostly because I have been trying to force it to happen. So many times throughout my depression, super high omg I feel better, something good just happened and I feel great. And when WHAM whatever good that I imagined or hoped for turned out to be something completely different from what I expected. Always on opposite ends of whatever string of insanity I spun in my head. I have impossibly high expectations of myself and others. Way higher than the average person, I expect the best of myself and everyone around me. I want the best for everyone. This turns my head into a boatload of nonsense. I need to rephrase my own thinking again. Rinse lather repeat of my life.
At night there are frogs everywhere mating. They are very loud and I wish I had some jumping jack fire crackers because I’d be sitting on the patio throwing them. In my head I am. Die frogs die. The mosquitos are mother fuckers. They do not fly away when you swat, they are all Harry Potter during a Quidditch match stealth. I am their golden snitch and they will flight to the death to taste me. There are lots of bugs here and little reptiles of all sorts. Lots of birds, the hummingbirds being the coolest, I’ve seen one nest so far. The nests are made of spiders webs. I love the lush and natural beauty of the island. We live on the East side of the island, on the West side the weather is more tropical, there is a rainforest section with a dam at the top of a small mountain. A creek runs down the mountain and you can swim in the small clear pools which gather sporadically at intervals. There are flowers here and there, I’m told they will bloom over and over all year, not much of changing seasons here. We have had mucho rain, lots and lots and lots. My mom and I planted some seeds today, I can’t wait for our plants and flowers to grow grow grow.
So far what I love best is the slow easy pace. I like having to drive into town, I like the little mom and pop at tne end of our road. We live far out up a remote road which turns to a steep dirt road, perfect for the Jeep and definitely not a road one would ever rush up or down. A ride to the nearest town takes about 20 minutes. There we check the mail, visit the bank or the hardware store; grab lunch or visit the bookstore. A small mom and pop grocery store is also there, it’s definitely a Cheers sort of place. Everything is expensive here, it all comes via boat. The big store for everything is Kmart. There is nothing like a Nordys or even a decent thrift store. No Newbury Street or Hillcrest to purchase gifts for my closet to cherish. I’ve come to see how trips to the mainland will mean the world to me in the future. I put on heels the other day while unpacking. I miss my sexy shoes. Maybe I will finally learn to come around with the online shopping. Right now shopping is the least of my concerns, plus my closet is chock full of kick ass clothes in every variety that no one here has ever seen. Oh I love that. It’s a bit like a whole new wardrobe and that makes me smile. Clothes whore for life. Absolutely. My hair is turning a super pretty color from the sun; I will save my cuts for the mainland and I’m not going to mind, no need for highlights anymore, I have 12 guaranteed hours a day of sun to do that.
Making peace with others used to scare the shit out of me, but after I did it I was so grateful for the real and true friendships that survived. I’m not the easiest person to be friends with. I am so all over the place at times, I don’t want to be friends with myself. It’s a bit overwhelming to fathom how many times I have berated myself for not being a good enough friend. I was caught in a web of my own self destruction for the past few years. Not many friendships have started and survived for me over the past few years. There are scant few. The deep dark well of depression had me dark and buried deep in her well of self hate. My brain floated in that deep black well water, my membranes screamed with migraine, they needed rescue from the drowning ruminating words. There was no longer alcohol to wash away depression’s happy grasp of my brain. While high on the well water of hell I hurt before anyone could hurt me; I laughed when I should have cried and turned anything real into a monster of a ball.
So today it’s nice to see I have sailed away from that a bit. I’m no longer thirstily or greedily drinking the depression water. I’m not taking comfort in any sort of pain and I’m not taxing myself or my brain the way I had been. I’m reading and yay writing. I’m translating and taking pictures. I’m breathing and smiling. Not fake smiling, real smiling. No games to play here, no second guessing. I’m not scared of screwing up because no one cares here. There are no deadlines for anything. I do not have a mental brick wall built around my head or my heart anymore. I built that wall instead of giving up on myself. I guess it served a purpose and damn it felt good to crash it down. All things come full circle no matter what in some way or another. Today I’m grateful my circle is rounding out on a time of love and life and laughter. It feels good to be me today and I really like that. Very much.
I'm still gun shy about putting myself out there. Baby steps for sure on that. Where is Dr. Marvin when one needs him? PAGING DR LEO MARVIN, hello come save me from myself. Tomorrow we are going to work on a family friend's farm, I'm really looking forward to some honest hard farm work, nothing like for the body soul and mind. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I meet some peeps with horses. Oh to be able to ride again, the freedom it gives me is nothing else. Best drug ever, horseback riding. Damn good exercise as well. Carrying the little dog up the mountain every morning is starting to pay off in my arms. With all the mountain walking and heat losing weight is so easy right now. It feels so good to be able to look at myself in the mirror. When I don't I know I'm unhappy with everything, mostly me.
For the first time in so long I have so much to look forward to and way less to dread. It's a nice easy feeling, peaceful in my head. We'll see We shall see.
Islands in the Stream, Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Baby, when I met you there was peace unknown
I set out to get you with a fine tooth comb
I was soft inside, there was somethin' going on
You do something to me that I can't explain
Hold me closer and I feel no pain
Every beat of my heart
We got somethin' goin' on
Tender love is blind
It requires a dedication
All this love we feel
Needs no conversation
We ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
I can't live without you if the love was gone
Everything is nothin' if you got no one
And you did walk in tonight
Slowly loosen' sight of the real thing
But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt
Too deep in love and we got no way out
And the message is clear
This could be the year for the real thing
No more will you cry
Baby, I will hurt you never
We start and end as one, in love forever
We can ride it together, ah-ah
Makin' love with each other, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Sail away
Oh, come sail away with me
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ah
From one lover to another, ah-ah
~ Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Tomorrow is 3 weeks. Three weeks ago I moved to St Croix. St Croix. It’s been over a month since I left California. I left California, I do not live there anymore. Tomorrow I will get out one of the 7 pieces of tools I own, a screw driver, and take off my CA plates. Wow. Weird on so many levels.
The picture is of my last moments in CA. The shot defines my existence there. Empty. So empty. My mind has been messy again. All over the fucking place. Not really up or down, but miserable and quite dark at times. I wrote a blog back in April, but felt it too dark to share. Thinking back on what I call the dark blog, it was cathartic to write, yet hard to comes to real terms with. Ugh I love-hate when my brain is totally on and I do a good deep look on what is festering. I hate when I look into the soup pot of my brain and it’s an over cooked mush of an unedible mess. It cripples me to a point and certain walls and strong mental barriers come crashing down down down. LOCKED SLAM, door shut, gotta go and I don’t want to feel this for real. Feeling anything is still way too new and a bit nauseating to me. I’m still not ready. I’ve been telling myself for way too long that I was ready to start living my life, but I made that mantra an impossible feat.
I’ve been on the worst auto pilot let’s try something new and everything will be ok mode for 15 long arduous years. Trainwrecking my way thru some pretty fucked up shit. Leaving a wake of empty promises and heart breaking nothings. A whirlwind of a life gone, well past it’s due date, old moldy and full of the dark past. My dark log and my dark past, it’s nice to know today neither are haunting me.
My crate of personal effects and household goods cleared US Customs yesterday and was delivered to our house today. It feels so fantastically yay amazing to have all of my stuff here. I really live here. Here. On a freaking mother fucking island. In the Caribbean. Everything I own is here. My dog is here. My cat is here. My Jeep is here. All of my earthly possessions are here. Safe and sound. One broken plate. One single broken plate. Tomorrow I will set up my bed and sleep on my sheets. The kitchen is now full of my kick ass pans and good solid glasses. I am a picky little pain in the ass and I hated using the rented house’s kitchen items. Soon my mom’s will be blended with mine and the kitchen will make sense. My comforter feels delicious on my skin. Gert is sleeping soundly under my leg, loving all her smells from home. Wait. Home is here.
We don’t live there anymore. No more world’s smallest apartment up the stairs in the back of the complex. No more neighbors to chat it up with and hang out for a minute. Now it’s my mom and my step dad. So different. Oh for more moments like this, my brain is not ruminating, there are no spinning wheels, I’m not running from anything. Way better now. A lot less second guess. I needed consistency. There wasn’t much consistency in my life for a long time and there was serious lack of it in CA. No matter how hard I tried nothing worked. Over and over nothing went my way. I guess the evil perfectionist in my head had the wheel much of the time. I repeatedly chose or put myself in many situations doomed from the start. Consciously and unconsciously for a fact.
Things fall apart, it’s scientific.
And then there are people like me who make them fall apart on purpose.
Today there is a lot of good and solid consistency in my every day life. Living with the parentals is not as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Having my own apartment within their house definitely makes the transition easier and they actually want me here, yet I still Convinced myself it was going to suck is what I did. I had a rough 2nd week here, lots of misery slowly working it’s way OUT of my brain. Not the most pleasant thing to be around. Luckily and consistently my mom and step dad have been there with warm welcome open arms to say it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok. I’ve had a few super sucky fucky days fueled by the self hate self loathing unworthy feeling of doom, but even those unfun days were not catastrophes. So nice to not look back and have those bobbing in my life wake.
View I look out on each morning when I walk Gert.
So nice to look out and see an ocean I don’t resent because I have no friends to enjoy it with. Here I can walk for miles and miles without a care in the world. I ‘m waking up in a softer and more gentle mood and feel way more at peace with myself than I have in years. Years.
Moving here wasn’t easy. Lots of waiting in hot tropical heat. The power has gone out three nights in a row. Thank god for good food Scrabble and sane parents. After 3 days of traveling to and from the Containerport at the docks to US Customs to the DMW, everything is here. I live here. Here.
OMG in a good way. Tonight I will sleep well. For sure.
The picture is of my last moments in CA. The shot defines my existence there. Empty. So empty. My mind has been messy again. All over the fucking place. Not really up or down, but miserable and quite dark at times. I wrote a blog back in April, but felt it too dark to share. Thinking back on what I call the dark blog, it was cathartic to write, yet hard to comes to real terms with. Ugh I love-hate when my brain is totally on and I do a good deep look on what is festering. I hate when I look into the soup pot of my brain and it’s an over cooked mush of an unedible mess. It cripples me to a point and certain walls and strong mental barriers come crashing down down down. LOCKED SLAM, door shut, gotta go and I don’t want to feel this for real. Feeling anything is still way too new and a bit nauseating to me. I’m still not ready. I’ve been telling myself for way too long that I was ready to start living my life, but I made that mantra an impossible feat.
I’ve been on the worst auto pilot let’s try something new and everything will be ok mode for 15 long arduous years. Trainwrecking my way thru some pretty fucked up shit. Leaving a wake of empty promises and heart breaking nothings. A whirlwind of a life gone, well past it’s due date, old moldy and full of the dark past. My dark log and my dark past, it’s nice to know today neither are haunting me.
My crate of personal effects and household goods cleared US Customs yesterday and was delivered to our house today. It feels so fantastically yay amazing to have all of my stuff here. I really live here. Here. On a freaking mother fucking island. In the Caribbean. Everything I own is here. My dog is here. My cat is here. My Jeep is here. All of my earthly possessions are here. Safe and sound. One broken plate. One single broken plate. Tomorrow I will set up my bed and sleep on my sheets. The kitchen is now full of my kick ass pans and good solid glasses. I am a picky little pain in the ass and I hated using the rented house’s kitchen items. Soon my mom’s will be blended with mine and the kitchen will make sense. My comforter feels delicious on my skin. Gert is sleeping soundly under my leg, loving all her smells from home. Wait. Home is here.
We don’t live there anymore. No more world’s smallest apartment up the stairs in the back of the complex. No more neighbors to chat it up with and hang out for a minute. Now it’s my mom and my step dad. So different. Oh for more moments like this, my brain is not ruminating, there are no spinning wheels, I’m not running from anything. Way better now. A lot less second guess. I needed consistency. There wasn’t much consistency in my life for a long time and there was serious lack of it in CA. No matter how hard I tried nothing worked. Over and over nothing went my way. I guess the evil perfectionist in my head had the wheel much of the time. I repeatedly chose or put myself in many situations doomed from the start. Consciously and unconsciously for a fact.
Things fall apart, it’s scientific.
And then there are people like me who make them fall apart on purpose.
Today there is a lot of good and solid consistency in my every day life. Living with the parentals is not as uncomfortable as I thought it was going to be. Having my own apartment within their house definitely makes the transition easier and they actually want me here, yet I still Convinced myself it was going to suck is what I did. I had a rough 2nd week here, lots of misery slowly working it’s way OUT of my brain. Not the most pleasant thing to be around. Luckily and consistently my mom and step dad have been there with warm welcome open arms to say it’s ok, it’s all going to be ok. I’ve had a few super sucky fucky days fueled by the self hate self loathing unworthy feeling of doom, but even those unfun days were not catastrophes. So nice to not look back and have those bobbing in my life wake.
View I look out on each morning when I walk Gert.
Moving here wasn’t easy. Lots of waiting in hot tropical heat. The power has gone out three nights in a row. Thank god for good food Scrabble and sane parents. After 3 days of traveling to and from the Containerport at the docks to US Customs to the DMW, everything is here. I live here. Here.
OMG in a good way. Tonight I will sleep well. For sure.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Writing is so good for my soul
“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” Oscar Wilde.
My mind just goes here there and everywhere. It makes the energizer bunny look lazy. And slovenly. I wish most ardently for a quiet mind. One cannot use a wish on that though. You cannot poof the non stop mind away. Oh I wish wish wish I could Most certainly I have tried tried tried. Ugh. I wish my thoughts came out better. I wish I could get back into scribbling in a notebook. Documenting the madness of my mind was way easier. Take a look at my old textbooks and daily journals or day planners. Well documented madness and I didn’t even realize it was coming out. But in this electronic age, maybe I’m overwhelmed by my choices and picking up a pen or even typing this on my laptop weighs on me. It’s a much needed release yet I deny myself the pleasure and make it a chore.
I also do this sick little evil trick. I refrain from looking at myself in any mirror. Not even in window reflections not in my car. Not at all. I’ve been doing it for years and it means I’m upset about something but am refusing to acknowledge it. I know for a fact it’s happening because I caught a look at myself earlier. For real. By accident I caught my naked thigh all the way up to my slightly disheveled but rock star pretty hair. I really liked what I saw. The recent weight loss my brilliant stylist and a much more positive attitude all contributed to my little moment. I’m so grateful right now for my little me moment. Wake up call, stop denying yourself the pretty. It feels soooooo good you dipshit.
And anxious boys, oh god so over that crap. They all either lie or want me to be way more than I could ever be. None of them want to take even 5 minutes to get to know me. None of them. I cannot and will not be trapped in conversations with myself, trapped, feeling claustrophobic climbing the walls to get away from them or that I am really letting something slide that I shouldn’t. I’m over hearing disgusting stories that turn my stomach or abhorrent nonsense closed minded ridiculousness. I wish so much that dating anyone or anything wasn’t such a knife in my heart. For real. The past two years both with men and/or volunteer commitments everything has really been the wrong fit for me. Several times my heart has been way too big or way too small. It’s been a rough few years of feeling like I can’t win on many levels. I’m glad I stopped trying. I’m more content taking things, everything on a much smaller scale, with no agenda on the horizon. And I’m a bit more in tune to people who are just there to take advantage or fulfill a dream I cannot be. I cannot be rushed into anything, whether it is a meal I’m being served by a waiter or it’s the butterflies of like, I cannot and will not be rushed in my meals or with my love. It’s my love to give and share and I’ve decided to no longer give it on any level just because. I’m thinking it all through with a much more clear perspective and I’m discovering several of my existing relationships and friendships have grown much stronger. I’m no longer demanding your love or shoving mine down your throat. I’m just here. And I’m enjoying myself most days. When my mind isn’t eating itself about the future that is. At least I’m not scared about who I am. I know and like that. Especially now with my pretty moment. Stop not looking the pretty. Stop.
Birdhouse in Your Soul Lyrics Artist: They Might Be Giants
I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I have a secret to tell From my electrical well It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells So the room must listen to me Filibuster vigilantly My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e My story's infinite Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am There's a picture opposite me Of my primitive ancestry Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free Though I respect that a lot I'd be fired if that were my job After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts Bluebird of friendliness Like guardian angels its always near Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul (and while you're at it Keep the nightlight on inside the Birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul
My mind just goes here there and everywhere. It makes the energizer bunny look lazy. And slovenly. I wish most ardently for a quiet mind. One cannot use a wish on that though. You cannot poof the non stop mind away. Oh I wish wish wish I could Most certainly I have tried tried tried. Ugh. I wish my thoughts came out better. I wish I could get back into scribbling in a notebook. Documenting the madness of my mind was way easier. Take a look at my old textbooks and daily journals or day planners. Well documented madness and I didn’t even realize it was coming out. But in this electronic age, maybe I’m overwhelmed by my choices and picking up a pen or even typing this on my laptop weighs on me. It’s a much needed release yet I deny myself the pleasure and make it a chore.
I also do this sick little evil trick. I refrain from looking at myself in any mirror. Not even in window reflections not in my car. Not at all. I’ve been doing it for years and it means I’m upset about something but am refusing to acknowledge it. I know for a fact it’s happening because I caught a look at myself earlier. For real. By accident I caught my naked thigh all the way up to my slightly disheveled but rock star pretty hair. I really liked what I saw. The recent weight loss my brilliant stylist and a much more positive attitude all contributed to my little moment. I’m so grateful right now for my little me moment. Wake up call, stop denying yourself the pretty. It feels soooooo good you dipshit.
And anxious boys, oh god so over that crap. They all either lie or want me to be way more than I could ever be. None of them want to take even 5 minutes to get to know me. None of them. I cannot and will not be trapped in conversations with myself, trapped, feeling claustrophobic climbing the walls to get away from them or that I am really letting something slide that I shouldn’t. I’m over hearing disgusting stories that turn my stomach or abhorrent nonsense closed minded ridiculousness. I wish so much that dating anyone or anything wasn’t such a knife in my heart. For real. The past two years both with men and/or volunteer commitments everything has really been the wrong fit for me. Several times my heart has been way too big or way too small. It’s been a rough few years of feeling like I can’t win on many levels. I’m glad I stopped trying. I’m more content taking things, everything on a much smaller scale, with no agenda on the horizon. And I’m a bit more in tune to people who are just there to take advantage or fulfill a dream I cannot be. I cannot be rushed into anything, whether it is a meal I’m being served by a waiter or it’s the butterflies of like, I cannot and will not be rushed in my meals or with my love. It’s my love to give and share and I’ve decided to no longer give it on any level just because. I’m thinking it all through with a much more clear perspective and I’m discovering several of my existing relationships and friendships have grown much stronger. I’m no longer demanding your love or shoving mine down your throat. I’m just here. And I’m enjoying myself most days. When my mind isn’t eating itself about the future that is. At least I’m not scared about who I am. I know and like that. Especially now with my pretty moment. Stop not looking the pretty. Stop.
Birdhouse in Your Soul Lyrics Artist: They Might Be Giants
I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I have a secret to tell From my electrical well It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells So the room must listen to me Filibuster vigilantly My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e My story's infinite Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul I'm your only friend I'm not your only friend But I'm a little glowing friend But really I'm not actually your friend But I am There's a picture opposite me Of my primitive ancestry Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free Though I respect that a lot I'd be fired if that were my job After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts Bluebird of friendliness Like guardian angels its always near Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch Who watches over you Make a little birdhouse in your soul Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul (and while you're at it Keep the nightlight on inside the Birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it) Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the) Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul) Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Friday, March 25, 2011
Why is writing hard?
I hate that I struggle to write. I hate that there are days upon days when clever and witty things float about my head, but putting them on paper sounds less apealling than crazy thoughts. I suffocate the words and they disappear. I resent myself for the lost creativity and then punish myself for the loss of words that obviously did not matter. But they did. So why didn't I write them? It's a bitch of struggle. Why do I do this? Some times it's music, sometimes it's words. I play a game with them and it annoys the fuck out of me. I need to practice more 5 minute streams of nothing. That's what this is. I set the timer and I am just wrting. For fucks sake.
So many crazy changes this past week. Such amazing exciting holy shit changes. Peace. Super happy peace. Quiet. Quiet once my evil dental work is done. I hope the peace brings the words on paper. Oh I hope so much. I want to write and write. I want to get it all out of my head. For gods sake I need to make all the therapy worth something. I also want the endless stream of dreams and hopes and what ifs to have more accountability. If I write I usually do it. I want more self motivation in my life. Putting it out there holds me way more accountable. I crave that. So very much.
So many crazy changes this past week. Such amazing exciting holy shit changes. Peace. Super happy peace. Quiet. Quiet once my evil dental work is done. I hope the peace brings the words on paper. Oh I hope so much. I want to write and write. I want to get it all out of my head. For gods sake I need to make all the therapy worth something. I also want the endless stream of dreams and hopes and what ifs to have more accountability. If I write I usually do it. I want more self motivation in my life. Putting it out there holds me way more accountable. I crave that. So very much.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
FAST FORWARD
The last week of January and first full week of February were somewhat of a whirl wind for me. Several times I woke up filled with annoyance at the day, aggravation about a whole week looming in front of me. Why? On my morning walk with Gert I asked myself what is your problem over and over and could not come to any logical resolution in my head so the agita and angst stayed put in my tummy and in my head. I think my problem is that I have no problems on hand to concentrate on so I am messing with myself to create some. Is this what this is? I also can look back and see myself slowly repeating bad and negative behaviors. I was rushing, of course I was I felt anxious. I was on fast forward each day could not end soon enough. I was waiting, waiting anxiously for what? Nothing specific that’s for sure. I was overloading my brain with mush – I was berating myself for not writing as much as I felt I ‘should”. I felt like I could have been doing a better job with a new thing in my life but instead I choose to look at the situation very objectively and one sided. I was snappy and crash and definitely wasn’t being viewed as lovable. And then the creepy thoughts creep in. You’re not NOT depressed you’re still depressed and are living on a pink cloud. Your life does suck and you are not making progress of any kind. Even if you were no one would care.
A ton of great and amazing things happened in the two weeks I was on fast forward and anxious. I kind of half heartedly participated in all the good things. I really didn’t to enjoy many of the good times or good thing s going on – I was too busy on fast forward, just like that trying to be perfect.
Perfect for my mom. Perfect for the guy. Perfect for my friends. Perfect at work. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Ugh. That again.
STOP. Just STOP. Enough. For Christ’s sake enough. Enough mental anguish inflicted on MYSELF. Give yourself a break Frannie you don’t hate yourself you actually really like you. You are a delight and a wonderful person when your mind isn’t eating itself. Stop just stop.
The whole entire time I was on fast forward I was aware I was on fast forward. I’m very pleased about catching the fast forward, catching the depression, acknowledging it and allowing myself to feel it. But I don’t like feeling it. No long lingering resentful weekend spent in bed alone just me and my dog tuning everyone and everything out. Numbing myself to any kind of anything – spare me your pity fuck you, spare me your concern I am fucking fine. Leave me alone, what I wouldn’t give for 5 minutes of your time. That’s the crazy part about all this. People would think with all of my over emotion and over sharing that I would love to feel. That I crave attention I love feeling excited exuberated. Well I don’t. I do not like feeling much more than an even status quo because anything really good - it instantly makes me worry (see how anxiety can creep into a relatively happy and content occasion with me) and anything really bad kind of shuts me down completely – guilt and shame destroy me in seconds (I can get sad that someone else isn’t having a good time).
I hate having to feel all of this. Can’t I just be better and move forward forward forward without the fucking pain and angst I still have ahead of me? I hate the insecurity of wanting to be better person for real – am I lying to myself and others again? So far no. Neither. But today I am aware of how quickly I can revert right back to old bad habits. Rushing when there is nothing to rush for. Not listening and overtalking. I read a good quote the other day “If you want to be loved, be lovable”. I love lovable Fran, she is so soft and pretty and fun. Rushy rush anxietypants is so no fun for anyone, most of all me.
I go back to music because my music moves my soul. Cage the Elephant is speaking for me below. Stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterday – I’m petrified the dark shadows of the bad past will haunt the good I am so striving for. And the dichotomy of me continues because while I hear, see and feel pain in the song I also garner strength. Today I do have my back against the wall but I’m looking out at all of you. I’m not judging, I’m not over critiquing, I can turn away from the crap – I can flip this, I can live a life worth living, all I have to do is give myself a chance. I don’t want a place to hide anymore, I’ve hid for too long and lied for too long. My fabricated disbelief is over. My new not perfect has begun. I am not a coward and I will confront the person I am.
Back Against the Wall – Cage the Elephant
Tonight i'll have a look and try to find my face againBuried beneath this house my spirit screams and dies againOutback a monster wears a cloak of persian leatherBehind the tv screen i've fallen to my knees
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Blanket of silence makes me wanna sink my teeth in deepBurn all the evidence a fabricated disbeliefPull back the curtains took a look into your eyesMy tongue has now become a platform for your lies
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Deep in the jungle camouflaged by all the fallen leavesA hand holds up the sky while shamefully i make my pleaThe alter's callin' but my legs won't seem to standGuess i'm a coward scared to face the man i am
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
A ton of great and amazing things happened in the two weeks I was on fast forward and anxious. I kind of half heartedly participated in all the good things. I really didn’t to enjoy many of the good times or good thing s going on – I was too busy on fast forward, just like that trying to be perfect.
Perfect for my mom. Perfect for the guy. Perfect for my friends. Perfect at work. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Ugh. That again.
STOP. Just STOP. Enough. For Christ’s sake enough. Enough mental anguish inflicted on MYSELF. Give yourself a break Frannie you don’t hate yourself you actually really like you. You are a delight and a wonderful person when your mind isn’t eating itself. Stop just stop.
The whole entire time I was on fast forward I was aware I was on fast forward. I’m very pleased about catching the fast forward, catching the depression, acknowledging it and allowing myself to feel it. But I don’t like feeling it. No long lingering resentful weekend spent in bed alone just me and my dog tuning everyone and everything out. Numbing myself to any kind of anything – spare me your pity fuck you, spare me your concern I am fucking fine. Leave me alone, what I wouldn’t give for 5 minutes of your time. That’s the crazy part about all this. People would think with all of my over emotion and over sharing that I would love to feel. That I crave attention I love feeling excited exuberated. Well I don’t. I do not like feeling much more than an even status quo because anything really good - it instantly makes me worry (see how anxiety can creep into a relatively happy and content occasion with me) and anything really bad kind of shuts me down completely – guilt and shame destroy me in seconds (I can get sad that someone else isn’t having a good time).
I hate having to feel all of this. Can’t I just be better and move forward forward forward without the fucking pain and angst I still have ahead of me? I hate the insecurity of wanting to be better person for real – am I lying to myself and others again? So far no. Neither. But today I am aware of how quickly I can revert right back to old bad habits. Rushing when there is nothing to rush for. Not listening and overtalking. I read a good quote the other day “If you want to be loved, be lovable”. I love lovable Fran, she is so soft and pretty and fun. Rushy rush anxietypants is so no fun for anyone, most of all me.
I go back to music because my music moves my soul. Cage the Elephant is speaking for me below. Stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterday – I’m petrified the dark shadows of the bad past will haunt the good I am so striving for. And the dichotomy of me continues because while I hear, see and feel pain in the song I also garner strength. Today I do have my back against the wall but I’m looking out at all of you. I’m not judging, I’m not over critiquing, I can turn away from the crap – I can flip this, I can live a life worth living, all I have to do is give myself a chance. I don’t want a place to hide anymore, I’ve hid for too long and lied for too long. My fabricated disbelief is over. My new not perfect has begun. I am not a coward and I will confront the person I am.
Back Against the Wall – Cage the Elephant
Tonight i'll have a look and try to find my face againBuried beneath this house my spirit screams and dies againOutback a monster wears a cloak of persian leatherBehind the tv screen i've fallen to my knees
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Blanket of silence makes me wanna sink my teeth in deepBurn all the evidence a fabricated disbeliefPull back the curtains took a look into your eyesMy tongue has now become a platform for your lies
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Deep in the jungle camouflaged by all the fallen leavesA hand holds up the sky while shamefully i make my pleaThe alter's callin' but my legs won't seem to standGuess i'm a coward scared to face the man i am
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Friday, February 04, 2011
The enemy within
After writing what I wrote last week I was on a bit of a natural high. I can’t remember the last time I had a real one of those, it’s been a long long time. Getting that off my chest was the best therapy session of my life. Accountability is so my friend. It’s more proof positive that I really am letting go and moving forward. It’s LOL funny to me myself and I that I spent an entire year resenting myself and everyone else. Longer than just last year it’s been years I was consumed by that. Super resenting – BUT I’M NOT BAD ANYMORE why can’t the world see that – where is my praise? My kudos for all this soul searching self help? In my demanding mess of a mind there was no way possible for it to dawn on me I needed to be the one giving myself kudos, I need to be ok with me before anyone else would be. I heard that line my whole fucking life. Love yourself. Be kind to you. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt. LIE. That is a fucking LIE. Words hurt. Words have hurt me a million times over for so many years. There have been times I would have rather been stabbed than have to hear some of the verbal evil thrown my way over the years. I can think back to instances over 20 years old that still hurt worse than a gun shot wound. Mean comments, ruined moments, evil girls. I was one of the evil girls for sure.
Two important realizations pushed thru the dark and came to light to me in 2010 – I started to comprehend what FILTER meant and why it is so necessary and I also started seeing the DENIAL I was living in for so very long. Filtering – I had no filter – I was an open book, too open. Over sharing over emotional over the top = gross. Denial about anything and everything. If I can't remember it thenit didn't happen was my motto and I was proud of it. I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with me – omg there is so much wrong with me I will never be fixed. I expected empathy, sympathy, pity, help. HA. Instead I got put down, labeled uncontrollable/out of line, loss of respect, ignored, shunned and so on. Screaming in people’s faces rarely gets you anywhere. Why was my fuse so freaking short? Maybe because I over sharing about my existence spent in denial. People who called me on my shit were instantly dead to me. They didn’t exist. I only made friends with people to hurt them. I only accepted dates to make them want me and then I would slam the door and quickly delete them from my life. I would make plans with several people and blow them all off. Over and over and over again. I wouldn’t pick up the phone for days – gladly making anyone and everyone who knew me worry. I would then return a call or a text but if there was no pick up or instant response you went back in the dead to me pile. Every single person every single day pissed me off to no end. I didn’t like anyone! I resented the shit out of my beloved dog. I craved more but the more I got the more I isolated, the more my twisted fucked up brain ruminated out of control. And then I started to filter. And all that self hate – the angst – the pity partying it disappeared before my very eyes. It stopped. I didn’t notice the stop for months later because I was still in serious denial about a lot of things, but it stopped and I will be so damned if it comes back like it was.
Filtering has given me the ability to take a step back from own shit. It has given me the opportunity to listen – really listen to others. Instead of trying to solve all of your shit I have started to listen and listen only. I will offer my opinion, my thought at your question, but I have no expectations of what you will ultimately do. I’m not going to hold it against you, I’m not going to check up on you. Your shit is your shit. I have enough of my own shit to worry about and have no desire to worry about yours. Oh my sleep is so much better. I have taken all of those unfounded expectations in my head and said see ya. By keeping my mouth shut and making sure that whatever going on isn’t about me I am safe. With this new approach I have gained trust and respect instead of hate and lies. Friendships new and old have blossomed and strengthened instead of being sucked lifeless by unreasonable demands and expectations.
Realizing that I was trapped under a deep dark veil of denial has been hard to come to terms with. I don’t know how I got into such a deep hole. I’m not an angry hateful person. I have never been one to side with the devil. But for so long, what felt like forever with no way out, I existed in a hateful deviant world. I eschewed my own existence. I wanted to be the opposite of everything but in doing so I received no satisfaction from myself or others. I looked down on everyone, everything in order to make myself feel better. I denied myself books, music and friends to make myself feel better. My denial was fueled by my pain that masked my reality. You’re only in turmoil and pain if you allow yourself to be. Screaming and demanding that pain needs to cease to exist only grows the pain stronger. In my mess of a mind I was going above and beyond to help myself and everyone else but at the same time I was let down by myself and others on an hourly basis. My therapist and I had a chat one day about my perception of myself. My perception and my reality were very skewed. It was from that conversation on that I slowly started to come to terms with what was really going on with my life. I slowly started to remove myself from the insanity I was creating for myself and others.
Why was I trying to create a Norman Rockwell existence when I have no desire to live a Norman Rockwell life? This was a question I kept screaming at myself and anyone who would listen for years. Years upon years of never being happy with myself or others. Never really enjoying anything at all because I was too busy resenting, bully, lying, or crying. Why were all of my perceptions so skewed and how did they revert back to sanity? Like I have mentioned before depressed people take comfort in their depression. It’s a most vicious cycle, but it’s our comfort zone. In my jumbled mind, during my crazing for more more more – I would attempt at times to stop the insanity. I would try new projects/hobbies, make new friends. But everything failied. Why am I reaching out to a crackhead junkie for friendship – oh yeah I think I can fix them. Why am I looking into sailing lessons when I am deathly afraid of dying on a boat? Why am I wearing my weekend hippie clothes to work – how will anyone take me seriously in flip flops? Everything I wanted I stood in the way of. I refused to take real accountability, I was still trapped under the veil of denial. I was denying myself an existence! I was preventing myself from moving forward, I was my own worst enemy.
But my therapist INSISTED over and over I wasn’t. I was not allowed to call myself my own worst enemy. I was asked to give myself a break. For weeks on end I screamed figuratively and literally LOOK AT ME GIVING MYSELF A BREAK all the while I was still striving for one thing and one thing only – perfection. It’s a strength and a weakness all at the same time. My insanely high standards of myself and others was my downfall – not me. My insane desire to be everyone’s friend, make everyone happy did one thing and one thing only it made me miserable. It wasn’t ok that everyone was happy around me because all I did was resent the shit out of them. I might have been busting my ass on my therapy at work with friends but I was still trying to be perfect. It wasn’t until I stopped with trying to be perfect that I was able to finally truly give myself the much needed break I claimed to be taking all the while I was driving the crazy train bus. Fortunately for me I have an amazing mother, an empathic and very kind therapist who calls me on my shit and really really great friends. I have fucking amazing friends. AMAZING friends. And for the first in so long I feel GOOD. Even when I’m pissy I still feel good. Even I feel rushed I still feel good. There is lots and lots of good and pretty light at the end of my tunnel.
Oh and I feel pretty again. That has to be the bestest part of all of this. I feel pretty outside because I am really am pretty inside and not full of evil like I was convinced for way too long.
Two important realizations pushed thru the dark and came to light to me in 2010 – I started to comprehend what FILTER meant and why it is so necessary and I also started seeing the DENIAL I was living in for so very long. Filtering – I had no filter – I was an open book, too open. Over sharing over emotional over the top = gross. Denial about anything and everything. If I can't remember it thenit didn't happen was my motto and I was proud of it. I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with me – omg there is so much wrong with me I will never be fixed. I expected empathy, sympathy, pity, help. HA. Instead I got put down, labeled uncontrollable/out of line, loss of respect, ignored, shunned and so on. Screaming in people’s faces rarely gets you anywhere. Why was my fuse so freaking short? Maybe because I over sharing about my existence spent in denial. People who called me on my shit were instantly dead to me. They didn’t exist. I only made friends with people to hurt them. I only accepted dates to make them want me and then I would slam the door and quickly delete them from my life. I would make plans with several people and blow them all off. Over and over and over again. I wouldn’t pick up the phone for days – gladly making anyone and everyone who knew me worry. I would then return a call or a text but if there was no pick up or instant response you went back in the dead to me pile. Every single person every single day pissed me off to no end. I didn’t like anyone! I resented the shit out of my beloved dog. I craved more but the more I got the more I isolated, the more my twisted fucked up brain ruminated out of control. And then I started to filter. And all that self hate – the angst – the pity partying it disappeared before my very eyes. It stopped. I didn’t notice the stop for months later because I was still in serious denial about a lot of things, but it stopped and I will be so damned if it comes back like it was.
Filtering has given me the ability to take a step back from own shit. It has given me the opportunity to listen – really listen to others. Instead of trying to solve all of your shit I have started to listen and listen only. I will offer my opinion, my thought at your question, but I have no expectations of what you will ultimately do. I’m not going to hold it against you, I’m not going to check up on you. Your shit is your shit. I have enough of my own shit to worry about and have no desire to worry about yours. Oh my sleep is so much better. I have taken all of those unfounded expectations in my head and said see ya. By keeping my mouth shut and making sure that whatever going on isn’t about me I am safe. With this new approach I have gained trust and respect instead of hate and lies. Friendships new and old have blossomed and strengthened instead of being sucked lifeless by unreasonable demands and expectations.
Realizing that I was trapped under a deep dark veil of denial has been hard to come to terms with. I don’t know how I got into such a deep hole. I’m not an angry hateful person. I have never been one to side with the devil. But for so long, what felt like forever with no way out, I existed in a hateful deviant world. I eschewed my own existence. I wanted to be the opposite of everything but in doing so I received no satisfaction from myself or others. I looked down on everyone, everything in order to make myself feel better. I denied myself books, music and friends to make myself feel better. My denial was fueled by my pain that masked my reality. You’re only in turmoil and pain if you allow yourself to be. Screaming and demanding that pain needs to cease to exist only grows the pain stronger. In my mess of a mind I was going above and beyond to help myself and everyone else but at the same time I was let down by myself and others on an hourly basis. My therapist and I had a chat one day about my perception of myself. My perception and my reality were very skewed. It was from that conversation on that I slowly started to come to terms with what was really going on with my life. I slowly started to remove myself from the insanity I was creating for myself and others.
Why was I trying to create a Norman Rockwell existence when I have no desire to live a Norman Rockwell life? This was a question I kept screaming at myself and anyone who would listen for years. Years upon years of never being happy with myself or others. Never really enjoying anything at all because I was too busy resenting, bully, lying, or crying. Why were all of my perceptions so skewed and how did they revert back to sanity? Like I have mentioned before depressed people take comfort in their depression. It’s a most vicious cycle, but it’s our comfort zone. In my jumbled mind, during my crazing for more more more – I would attempt at times to stop the insanity. I would try new projects/hobbies, make new friends. But everything failied. Why am I reaching out to a crackhead junkie for friendship – oh yeah I think I can fix them. Why am I looking into sailing lessons when I am deathly afraid of dying on a boat? Why am I wearing my weekend hippie clothes to work – how will anyone take me seriously in flip flops? Everything I wanted I stood in the way of. I refused to take real accountability, I was still trapped under the veil of denial. I was denying myself an existence! I was preventing myself from moving forward, I was my own worst enemy.
But my therapist INSISTED over and over I wasn’t. I was not allowed to call myself my own worst enemy. I was asked to give myself a break. For weeks on end I screamed figuratively and literally LOOK AT ME GIVING MYSELF A BREAK all the while I was still striving for one thing and one thing only – perfection. It’s a strength and a weakness all at the same time. My insanely high standards of myself and others was my downfall – not me. My insane desire to be everyone’s friend, make everyone happy did one thing and one thing only it made me miserable. It wasn’t ok that everyone was happy around me because all I did was resent the shit out of them. I might have been busting my ass on my therapy at work with friends but I was still trying to be perfect. It wasn’t until I stopped with trying to be perfect that I was able to finally truly give myself the much needed break I claimed to be taking all the while I was driving the crazy train bus. Fortunately for me I have an amazing mother, an empathic and very kind therapist who calls me on my shit and really really great friends. I have fucking amazing friends. AMAZING friends. And for the first in so long I feel GOOD. Even when I’m pissy I still feel good. Even I feel rushed I still feel good. There is lots and lots of good and pretty light at the end of my tunnel.
Oh and I feel pretty again. That has to be the bestest part of all of this. I feel pretty outside because I am really am pretty inside and not full of evil like I was convinced for way too long.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
And that was that
As I slowly baby step my way into this new way of thinking – positive versus negative – I realize for the first time in a long time I am not setting myself up for failure. I am no longer looking at the day, week or month as a long arduous uphill battle that I have no motivation to conquer. Like last week even when angst and anxiety creep into my brains I’m not freaked out. I’m cognizant and aware and literally for the very first time I am going with the flow. I used to pretend I knew what that term meant, ‘go with the flow’ and no my definition had nothing to do with my period. I thought if I thought I was going with the flow then I was. HA. Not so much. I was trying to control the flow – the speed, intensity, gallons pushed out per minute.
I understand now why 2010 was so very challenging for me. I was just coming to terms with two important things – number one recognizing that I am not the most important person in the world nor do I want to be and number two acknowledging the train wreck past sans denial and coming to terms with it. That’s enough to make a completely sane person go crazy and have a nervous breakdown, scratch that sane people do not need to come to terms with those things they never bother them to begin with hence the sanity.
During my many years of self hate and delusion that was fueled by hate, alcohol, gossip, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, you get it all the vices and then some, I was not putting two and two together. In my mess of a head 2 + 2 = like 90. I was always on fast forward, always craving more – more what? More everything, more attention, more alcohol, more ‘candy’, more boys, more BFFs, more parties, more fun, more more more. It was all about me me me. I even had chapstick that said It’s All About Me and I loved the roll. I was the loudmouth no wanted to sit next to at dinner. I was definitely the last person in the world anyone should have handed a baby to. I was not a good friend. I was not a coworker. I was not a good assistant in that I did not adhere to the most important and critical aspects of my own job – ethics and confidentiality. I allowed myself time and time and time again to be involved in chaotic nights, lies, blackmail, mean spirited hateful gossip.
Girls are down right evil at times and I was pretty fucking unbearable. Worst secret keeper ever. Worst friend. Talk about DENIAL. All those insanity spun years and me sitting pretty convinced I was untouchable. No one talked about ME behind my back, they wouldn’t, they couldn’t. I’m a great friend to them so they think. They would never betray me as I am betraying them via text message as they sit next to me spilling their guts about their latest heartache or break. OMG no never.
Then all that garbage I just mentioned turned on me and I became TOO AWARE of the wreckage. Way too fucking aware. Acknowledging the train wreck and coming to terms with the train wreck are two completely different approaches. Where as I thought I was leaping leap years ahead of myself by claiming responsibility for my past transgressions – LOOK AT ME, I WAS BAD AND NOW I’M GOOD , I was in fact sending myself into a deep dark downward spiral of yuck. It's called Depression and it's no fun at all. I’ve decided to write two posts on this being in the depression and being out of it. It will be my own yin and yang. This post now about the yuck and another post about all of the good that survived and/or happened during the yuck. Nothing is ever all bad or all good. I see that much clearer now. I’m no longer shrouded in horrible guilt and shame about badness in the past.
Depression is an evil monster that feeds on itself, similar to hate it can consume you and bring you to the depths of the most miserable places in the world on the INSIDE while on the OUTSIDE you are surrounded by love light and hope. My own head is truly one of the most frightening places to find yourself. HA to anyone who has tried, good lord my poor poor mother. What she has not gone through in all of this but I’m saving that for the post on the good. Every single moment of every single day was hell inside my head. Nothing was acceptable, nothing was right. Everything was boring, repetitive, non stop, annoying. Looking back I am fairly certain there were insanely long periods of time where I did not enjoy one single thing. Even breathing was upsetting because I did not want to be alive. When your brain is on repeat that there is no point waking up tomorrow it’s pretty hard to function. You’re not a normal person, you’re not thinking normal thoughts. You are aware of the mess you are in and/or created and your comfort zone is knowing you could end it all. You could drive off a bridge. You could drive off a cliff. You could take lots of certain OTC meds and never wake up. You know people who have succeeded and you envy them. You want to be a junkie on the street because at least they love something albeit drugs. Anything is better than you – who you are, where you are, what you want to do. Hopes and dreams do not exist when you’re depressed. Hopes and dreams are a noose around your neck. They suffocate you and wake you up at night. Hope, ha hope. There is no hope. If hope existed I would not be in the state I am in. Dreams, my dreams are nothing. I am nothing. You have everything. Your life is perfect and I fucking hate you. I hate your problems – what I wouldn’t give to have your problems. Oh my god your problems aren’t real problems, I could solve YOUR shit in a heart, I would NEVER end up like you I AM WAY TOO SMART. All is nothing and nothing is all. There is no beginning because the hell fire already consumed it. Life is sucked out of everyone and everything that exists around you. Inanimate objects infuriate you and nothing is ever good enough.
That’s a lot. It feels really good to get that OUT. I feel like a wave of water just splashed over me. I am very grateful for this forum as a way to keep moving myself forward. More soon, and on the good, the light the love and my many many hopes and dreams.
I understand now why 2010 was so very challenging for me. I was just coming to terms with two important things – number one recognizing that I am not the most important person in the world nor do I want to be and number two acknowledging the train wreck past sans denial and coming to terms with it. That’s enough to make a completely sane person go crazy and have a nervous breakdown, scratch that sane people do not need to come to terms with those things they never bother them to begin with hence the sanity.
During my many years of self hate and delusion that was fueled by hate, alcohol, gossip, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, you get it all the vices and then some, I was not putting two and two together. In my mess of a head 2 + 2 = like 90. I was always on fast forward, always craving more – more what? More everything, more attention, more alcohol, more ‘candy’, more boys, more BFFs, more parties, more fun, more more more. It was all about me me me. I even had chapstick that said It’s All About Me and I loved the roll. I was the loudmouth no wanted to sit next to at dinner. I was definitely the last person in the world anyone should have handed a baby to. I was not a good friend. I was not a coworker. I was not a good assistant in that I did not adhere to the most important and critical aspects of my own job – ethics and confidentiality. I allowed myself time and time and time again to be involved in chaotic nights, lies, blackmail, mean spirited hateful gossip.
Girls are down right evil at times and I was pretty fucking unbearable. Worst secret keeper ever. Worst friend. Talk about DENIAL. All those insanity spun years and me sitting pretty convinced I was untouchable. No one talked about ME behind my back, they wouldn’t, they couldn’t. I’m a great friend to them so they think. They would never betray me as I am betraying them via text message as they sit next to me spilling their guts about their latest heartache or break. OMG no never.
Then all that garbage I just mentioned turned on me and I became TOO AWARE of the wreckage. Way too fucking aware. Acknowledging the train wreck and coming to terms with the train wreck are two completely different approaches. Where as I thought I was leaping leap years ahead of myself by claiming responsibility for my past transgressions – LOOK AT ME, I WAS BAD AND NOW I’M GOOD , I was in fact sending myself into a deep dark downward spiral of yuck. It's called Depression and it's no fun at all. I’ve decided to write two posts on this being in the depression and being out of it. It will be my own yin and yang. This post now about the yuck and another post about all of the good that survived and/or happened during the yuck. Nothing is ever all bad or all good. I see that much clearer now. I’m no longer shrouded in horrible guilt and shame about badness in the past.
Depression is an evil monster that feeds on itself, similar to hate it can consume you and bring you to the depths of the most miserable places in the world on the INSIDE while on the OUTSIDE you are surrounded by love light and hope. My own head is truly one of the most frightening places to find yourself. HA to anyone who has tried, good lord my poor poor mother. What she has not gone through in all of this but I’m saving that for the post on the good. Every single moment of every single day was hell inside my head. Nothing was acceptable, nothing was right. Everything was boring, repetitive, non stop, annoying. Looking back I am fairly certain there were insanely long periods of time where I did not enjoy one single thing. Even breathing was upsetting because I did not want to be alive. When your brain is on repeat that there is no point waking up tomorrow it’s pretty hard to function. You’re not a normal person, you’re not thinking normal thoughts. You are aware of the mess you are in and/or created and your comfort zone is knowing you could end it all. You could drive off a bridge. You could drive off a cliff. You could take lots of certain OTC meds and never wake up. You know people who have succeeded and you envy them. You want to be a junkie on the street because at least they love something albeit drugs. Anything is better than you – who you are, where you are, what you want to do. Hopes and dreams do not exist when you’re depressed. Hopes and dreams are a noose around your neck. They suffocate you and wake you up at night. Hope, ha hope. There is no hope. If hope existed I would not be in the state I am in. Dreams, my dreams are nothing. I am nothing. You have everything. Your life is perfect and I fucking hate you. I hate your problems – what I wouldn’t give to have your problems. Oh my god your problems aren’t real problems, I could solve YOUR shit in a heart, I would NEVER end up like you I AM WAY TOO SMART. All is nothing and nothing is all. There is no beginning because the hell fire already consumed it. Life is sucked out of everyone and everything that exists around you. Inanimate objects infuriate you and nothing is ever good enough.
That’s a lot. It feels really good to get that OUT. I feel like a wave of water just splashed over me. I am very grateful for this forum as a way to keep moving myself forward. More soon, and on the good, the light the love and my many many hopes and dreams.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
F%ck perfect
Go back a little to leap further. John Clarke
What I would like to do is write/post at least once a week. About what I do not know. Instead of setting the expectation I need to write/post daily I’ve cut myself some slack and my goal is now weekly. Not sure how I will do this, if I will write a little each day or if I will sit down and just write it all in one day. Maybe both, maybe neither. I just know it feels so good to write. I like words more than people, but not more than my dog.
I want a new tattoo, but a concept is not coming to me. I love my tattoos so much, they really really really make me so happy. For each time was definitely spent on everything from concept to color to why to where. Earlier today I ran into a friend who is starting his own shop and is offering me free ink. Free ink doesn’t happen often especially when one is itching to have something new created. I have a jumble of what I want in my head, but it’s not coming out. I’m trying not to push it, but running into my friend made me remember free ink offers don’t last long!
It is so freaking nice to wake up and NOT hate the day. SO NICE. I don’t hate anyone even when people piss me off! No longer is my first thought I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE (metaphorically of course). I did not necessarily have the best week this week. I had some anxiety creep in. I was missing a good friend and tick tocking about my mom arriving. Very eh at times. I was also OBSESSING like only a freaking girl can over NONSENSE. Lucky for me (who am I?) I discussed said ruminating hot ridiculous thought with a very sane and rational friend. What happened next only the universe that insists on loving me could have sent. The issue creating the yuck in my head resolved itself in the most gentle benevolent way possible. It took me back several steps. It made me question myself in a healthy rational way. The obsessing had stopped during my beach walk with my sane friend and when the issue came back I was so ok with it. There was no way not to be ok with it and I took happy accountability in learning from my little episode instead of letting it consume me in the most unhealthy of ways. I am so happy my mind is no trapped in the dark cloud it was in for so long.
Now that I am walking in the light, literally, and not the dark, figuratively in my head, I am now able to look back on the past year, past two years, past 5 years, past 10 years with way less fear and trepidation. Less anxiety about memories buried deep that creep and ruin all kinds of moments. I do not enjoy being the ruiner of moments. I’ve been aware of the trainwreckness I have created and left in my wake. But today I am also aware of the good times, the friendships that have somehow stayed in place or grown. I have so many things that make me happy on a daily basis and it’s really REALLY nice to feel them, like them, enjoy them, love them, feel them. I’m not scared to feel anymore, even when it hurts. So far I’m doing ok.
I still do not know how ‘this’ happened. I cannot and will define “this” other than to say I know I am no longer depressed. I am way more even keeled, way less anxious. Everyone is noticing and it’s not new. It’s months old. I have survived MYSELF and grown into a much more secure and content woman. I still get to let the girl in me out, I get to make mistakes. I’m not scared anymore. I have no hate in my heart anymore. No hate directed towards myself, not hate for anyone else. Even after not the best week ever I feel great. It was an amazing day my friend who I was missing is returning this evening and we may or not take the evening by storm. Who knows what the evening will bring. It’s so nice to let the universe do it’s magical wonderful work and relieve myself of trying to!
What I would like to do is write/post at least once a week. About what I do not know. Instead of setting the expectation I need to write/post daily I’ve cut myself some slack and my goal is now weekly. Not sure how I will do this, if I will write a little each day or if I will sit down and just write it all in one day. Maybe both, maybe neither. I just know it feels so good to write. I like words more than people, but not more than my dog.
I want a new tattoo, but a concept is not coming to me. I love my tattoos so much, they really really really make me so happy. For each time was definitely spent on everything from concept to color to why to where. Earlier today I ran into a friend who is starting his own shop and is offering me free ink. Free ink doesn’t happen often especially when one is itching to have something new created. I have a jumble of what I want in my head, but it’s not coming out. I’m trying not to push it, but running into my friend made me remember free ink offers don’t last long!
It is so freaking nice to wake up and NOT hate the day. SO NICE. I don’t hate anyone even when people piss me off! No longer is my first thought I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE (metaphorically of course). I did not necessarily have the best week this week. I had some anxiety creep in. I was missing a good friend and tick tocking about my mom arriving. Very eh at times. I was also OBSESSING like only a freaking girl can over NONSENSE. Lucky for me (who am I?) I discussed said ruminating hot ridiculous thought with a very sane and rational friend. What happened next only the universe that insists on loving me could have sent. The issue creating the yuck in my head resolved itself in the most gentle benevolent way possible. It took me back several steps. It made me question myself in a healthy rational way. The obsessing had stopped during my beach walk with my sane friend and when the issue came back I was so ok with it. There was no way not to be ok with it and I took happy accountability in learning from my little episode instead of letting it consume me in the most unhealthy of ways. I am so happy my mind is no trapped in the dark cloud it was in for so long.
Now that I am walking in the light, literally, and not the dark, figuratively in my head, I am now able to look back on the past year, past two years, past 5 years, past 10 years with way less fear and trepidation. Less anxiety about memories buried deep that creep and ruin all kinds of moments. I do not enjoy being the ruiner of moments. I’ve been aware of the trainwreckness I have created and left in my wake. But today I am also aware of the good times, the friendships that have somehow stayed in place or grown. I have so many things that make me happy on a daily basis and it’s really REALLY nice to feel them, like them, enjoy them, love them, feel them. I’m not scared to feel anymore, even when it hurts. So far I’m doing ok.
I still do not know how ‘this’ happened. I cannot and will define “this” other than to say I know I am no longer depressed. I am way more even keeled, way less anxious. Everyone is noticing and it’s not new. It’s months old. I have survived MYSELF and grown into a much more secure and content woman. I still get to let the girl in me out, I get to make mistakes. I’m not scared anymore. I have no hate in my heart anymore. No hate directed towards myself, not hate for anyone else. Even after not the best week ever I feel great. It was an amazing day my friend who I was missing is returning this evening and we may or not take the evening by storm. Who knows what the evening will bring. It’s so nice to let the universe do it’s magical wonderful work and relieve myself of trying to!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wide Open Spaces
Isn’t it funny that sometimes you can listen to a song over and over throughout the years and WHAM out of the blue a particular line just jumps out of the speakers and consumes you? I know that music has always meant a lot to me, but up until recently it didn’t dawn on me how much of an impact it has on my overall psyche. Considering the fact that my all time be all end all favorite movie is Almost Famous one would think I would be considered to be a music junkie, a lover of rock and roll, someone who attends 100+ concerts a year. I’m not. I do not have a box of concert stubs, I do not scour the internet searching for upcoming shows and I barely know anyone involved in the local music scene in San Diego. But music is in my soul and music moves me like nothing else.
Looking back in retrospect of my dark depression I purposely would not listen to music because I knew it would make me feel better. I knew it would get me out of the never ending funk. And I knew it would bring me the much needed release from the crazy that was ruminating in my head. I would like to embrace my music again, I plan to feel it, live it and breathe it. No more changing the channel because a song brings up a certain memory that I dislike, I’m keeping the song on and confronting the misery. I refuse to allow one of my most favorite things to do be clouded in darkness. I have my music back and I’m not putting it away ever again.
Yesterday morning, Wide Open Spaces killed me. It killed me as I drove along Kearny Villa. Killed me in a good way. Thank god there were no jarheads traffic flirting because the tears they were a streaming down my face. My little tear filled epiphany warmed my heart. I realized my depression really and truly is behind me – it’s no longer consuming me and I am so ok with this. Instead of taking comfort in the pain and misery, I’m embracing the good and the light, I’m not resenting my mistakes or my short comings, I’m content with not being perfect – perfect people are crazy. I’m not crazy, I am pretty sane and logical when I allow myself to be. I’m different for sure, an absolute freak with little patience but mucho common sense. I’ve never ever wanted to be the norm, on the average, ok with the middle. I have no idea why I was striving so hard for the past ten years to force myself to be there – the norm, average and in the middle. Fuck that. I’m way WAY too Frantastic for that and I finally believe that. I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else. I am awesome and I am going to own my awesomeness from here on out.
She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes
Until that moment on Kearny Villa I was oblivious and in complete denial that line defines me. For a little over 10 years now I have been making mistake after mistake after mistake and was full of regret guilt and shame. Today I do not have the weight of guilt regret or shame hanging in me or over me. Where it went I have no freaking idea, but I love it. I’m not questioning where it went because I don’t want it to come back. We all need to make mistakes, we need to be ok with these mistakes. Living in misery, in dark places, isolating, consumed by sadness, inundated with ruminating nasty thoughts – ugh. I don’t like that. It’s suffocating and uncomfortable.
I want to continue to be ok with me being me. I really like me. I’m not new and I definitely don’t suck. I know I’m a good friend and I now believe I am a good friend. I’m not second guessing any of my relationships – the close ones, the distant ones, the acquaintances, the ones I could really do without but can’t burn bridges. I’m ok with all of them. I have no hate in my heart today even for people I really dislike.
So all this time, all the distance – actual and metaphysical – that I created was me being depressed and unhappy with everything. For so long nothing made me happy, nothing. Everything aggravated me – from waking up to going to bed, aggravation station. I don’t know why this has stopped, but I do know I never ever want to be in that dark place again. I want to take 2011 to rationally acknowledge my personal growth in 2010. Today, right now I am literally taking comfort in acknowledging I have stepped out of the dark and am excited for the light. All I needed was a wide open space FROM MYSELF and room to breathe and make those mistakes on my own terms. Now that I am ok with my myriad of mistakes I can look back and be filled with gratitude about the lessons all of those mistakes taught me.
What I want for 2011 is a wide berth – a HUGE berth – to make lots of mistakes. I want to continue to give myself a break. Cut myself the slack I cut everyone else. I’m not into resolutions – they make me anxious but I am into goals. My goal for 2011 is to be more consistent in everything I do – consistent with not trying to be perfect, consistent with my writing/blogging instead of regretting on days I don’t get a chance to write, I will be grateful for the days I do write. I’m removing all of the negative expectations I have held onto so dearly for so long. I’m living in the moment and enjoying today. I am very aware of the high stakes I am gambling with, it’s called reality and I love it.
Lyrics: Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks - 1998
Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone
Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes
She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test
She knows the high stakes
As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know
She knows the highest stakes
Looking back in retrospect of my dark depression I purposely would not listen to music because I knew it would make me feel better. I knew it would get me out of the never ending funk. And I knew it would bring me the much needed release from the crazy that was ruminating in my head. I would like to embrace my music again, I plan to feel it, live it and breathe it. No more changing the channel because a song brings up a certain memory that I dislike, I’m keeping the song on and confronting the misery. I refuse to allow one of my most favorite things to do be clouded in darkness. I have my music back and I’m not putting it away ever again.
Yesterday morning, Wide Open Spaces killed me. It killed me as I drove along Kearny Villa. Killed me in a good way. Thank god there were no jarheads traffic flirting because the tears they were a streaming down my face. My little tear filled epiphany warmed my heart. I realized my depression really and truly is behind me – it’s no longer consuming me and I am so ok with this. Instead of taking comfort in the pain and misery, I’m embracing the good and the light, I’m not resenting my mistakes or my short comings, I’m content with not being perfect – perfect people are crazy. I’m not crazy, I am pretty sane and logical when I allow myself to be. I’m different for sure, an absolute freak with little patience but mucho common sense. I’ve never ever wanted to be the norm, on the average, ok with the middle. I have no idea why I was striving so hard for the past ten years to force myself to be there – the norm, average and in the middle. Fuck that. I’m way WAY too Frantastic for that and I finally believe that. I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else. I am awesome and I am going to own my awesomeness from here on out.
She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes
Until that moment on Kearny Villa I was oblivious and in complete denial that line defines me. For a little over 10 years now I have been making mistake after mistake after mistake and was full of regret guilt and shame. Today I do not have the weight of guilt regret or shame hanging in me or over me. Where it went I have no freaking idea, but I love it. I’m not questioning where it went because I don’t want it to come back. We all need to make mistakes, we need to be ok with these mistakes. Living in misery, in dark places, isolating, consumed by sadness, inundated with ruminating nasty thoughts – ugh. I don’t like that. It’s suffocating and uncomfortable.
I want to continue to be ok with me being me. I really like me. I’m not new and I definitely don’t suck. I know I’m a good friend and I now believe I am a good friend. I’m not second guessing any of my relationships – the close ones, the distant ones, the acquaintances, the ones I could really do without but can’t burn bridges. I’m ok with all of them. I have no hate in my heart today even for people I really dislike.
So all this time, all the distance – actual and metaphysical – that I created was me being depressed and unhappy with everything. For so long nothing made me happy, nothing. Everything aggravated me – from waking up to going to bed, aggravation station. I don’t know why this has stopped, but I do know I never ever want to be in that dark place again. I want to take 2011 to rationally acknowledge my personal growth in 2010. Today, right now I am literally taking comfort in acknowledging I have stepped out of the dark and am excited for the light. All I needed was a wide open space FROM MYSELF and room to breathe and make those mistakes on my own terms. Now that I am ok with my myriad of mistakes I can look back and be filled with gratitude about the lessons all of those mistakes taught me.
What I want for 2011 is a wide berth – a HUGE berth – to make lots of mistakes. I want to continue to give myself a break. Cut myself the slack I cut everyone else. I’m not into resolutions – they make me anxious but I am into goals. My goal for 2011 is to be more consistent in everything I do – consistent with not trying to be perfect, consistent with my writing/blogging instead of regretting on days I don’t get a chance to write, I will be grateful for the days I do write. I’m removing all of the negative expectations I have held onto so dearly for so long. I’m living in the moment and enjoying today. I am very aware of the high stakes I am gambling with, it’s called reality and I love it.
Lyrics: Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks - 1998
Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone
Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes
She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test
She knows the high stakes
As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know
She knows the highest stakes
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