F%ck perfect

Go back a little to leap further. John Clarke

What I would like to do is write/post at least once a week. About what I do not know. Instead of setting the expectation I need to write/post daily I’ve cut myself some slack and my goal is now weekly. Not sure how I will do this, if I will write a little each day or if I will sit down and just write it all in one day. Maybe both, maybe neither. I just know it feels so good to write. I like words more than people, but not more than my dog.

I want a new tattoo, but a concept is not coming to me. I love my tattoos so much, they really really really make me so happy. For each time was definitely spent on everything from concept to color to why to where. Earlier today I ran into a friend who is starting his own shop and is offering me free ink. Free ink doesn’t happen often especially when one is itching to have something new created. I have a jumble of what I want in my head, but it’s not coming out. I’m trying not to push it, but running into my friend made me remember free ink offers don’t last long!

It is so freaking nice to wake up and NOT hate the day. SO NICE. I don’t hate anyone even when people piss me off! No longer is my first thought I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE (metaphorically of course). I did not necessarily have the best week this week. I had some anxiety creep in. I was missing a good friend and tick tocking about my mom arriving. Very eh at times. I was also OBSESSING like only a freaking girl can over NONSENSE. Lucky for me (who am I?) I discussed said ruminating hot ridiculous thought with a very sane and rational friend. What happened next only the universe that insists on loving me could have sent. The issue creating the yuck in my head resolved itself in the most gentle benevolent way possible. It took me back several steps. It made me question myself in a healthy rational way. The obsessing had stopped during my beach walk with my sane friend and when the issue came back I was so ok with it. There was no way not to be ok with it and I took happy accountability in learning from my little episode instead of letting it consume me in the most unhealthy of ways. I am so happy my mind is no trapped in the dark cloud it was in for so long.

Now that I am walking in the light, literally, and not the dark, figuratively in my head, I am now able to look back on the past year, past two years, past 5 years, past 10 years with way less fear and trepidation. Less anxiety about memories buried deep that creep and ruin all kinds of moments. I do not enjoy being the ruiner of moments. I’ve been aware of the trainwreckness I have created and left in my wake. But today I am also aware of the good times, the friendships that have somehow stayed in place or grown. I have so many things that make me happy on a daily basis and it’s really REALLY nice to feel them, like them, enjoy them, love them, feel them. I’m not scared to feel anymore, even when it hurts. So far I’m doing ok.

I still do not know how ‘this’ happened. I cannot and will define “this” other than to say I know I am no longer depressed. I am way more even keeled, way less anxious. Everyone is noticing and it’s not new. It’s months old. I have survived MYSELF and grown into a much more secure and content woman. I still get to let the girl in me out, I get to make mistakes. I’m not scared anymore. I have no hate in my heart anymore. No hate directed towards myself, not hate for anyone else. Even after not the best week ever I feel great. It was an amazing day my friend who I was missing is returning this evening and we may or not take the evening by storm. Who knows what the evening will bring. It’s so nice to let the universe do it’s magical wonderful work and relieve myself of trying to!

Wide Open Spaces

Isn’t it funny that sometimes you can listen to a song over and over throughout the years and WHAM out of the blue a particular line just jumps out of the speakers and consumes you? I know that music has always meant a lot to me, but up until recently it didn’t dawn on me how much of an impact it has on my overall psyche. Considering the fact that my all time be all end all favorite movie is Almost Famous one would think I would be considered to be a music junkie, a lover of rock and roll, someone who attends 100+ concerts a year. I’m not. I do not have a box of concert stubs, I do not scour the internet searching for upcoming shows and I barely know anyone involved in the local music scene in San Diego. But music is in my soul and music moves me like nothing else.

Looking back in retrospect of my dark depression I purposely would not listen to music because I knew it would make me feel better. I knew it would get me out of the never ending funk. And I knew it would bring me the much needed release from the crazy that was ruminating in my head. I would like to embrace my music again, I plan to feel it, live it and breathe it. No more changing the channel because a song brings up a certain memory that I dislike, I’m keeping the song on and confronting the misery. I refuse to allow one of my most favorite things to do be clouded in darkness. I have my music back and I’m not putting it away ever again.

Yesterday morning, Wide Open Spaces killed me. It killed me as I drove along Kearny Villa. Killed me in a good way. Thank god there were no jarheads traffic flirting because the tears they were a streaming down my face. My little tear filled epiphany warmed my heart. I realized my depression really and truly is behind me – it’s no longer consuming me and I am so ok with this. Instead of taking comfort in the pain and misery, I’m embracing the good and the light, I’m not resenting my mistakes or my short comings, I’m content with not being perfect – perfect people are crazy. I’m not crazy, I am pretty sane and logical when I allow myself to be. I’m different for sure, an absolute freak with little patience but mucho common sense. I’ve never ever wanted to be the norm, on the average, ok with the middle. I have no idea why I was striving so hard for the past ten years to force myself to be there – the norm, average and in the middle. Fuck that. I’m way WAY too Frantastic for that and I finally believe that. I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else. I am awesome and I am going to own my awesomeness from here on out.

She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes

Until that moment on Kearny Villa I was oblivious and in complete denial that line defines me. For a little over 10 years now I have been making mistake after mistake after mistake and was full of regret guilt and shame. Today I do not have the weight of guilt regret or shame hanging in me or over me. Where it went I have no freaking idea, but I love it. I’m not questioning where it went because I don’t want it to come back. We all need to make mistakes, we need to be ok with these mistakes. Living in misery, in dark places, isolating, consumed by sadness, inundated with ruminating nasty thoughts – ugh. I don’t like that. It’s suffocating and uncomfortable.

I want to continue to be ok with me being me. I really like me. I’m not new and I definitely don’t suck. I know I’m a good friend and I now believe I am a good friend. I’m not second guessing any of my relationships – the close ones, the distant ones, the acquaintances, the ones I could really do without but can’t burn bridges. I’m ok with all of them. I have no hate in my heart today even for people I really dislike.

So all this time, all the distance – actual and metaphysical – that I created was me being depressed and unhappy with everything. For so long nothing made me happy, nothing. Everything aggravated me – from waking up to going to bed, aggravation station. I don’t know why this has stopped, but I do know I never ever want to be in that dark place again. I want to take 2011 to rationally acknowledge my personal growth in 2010. Today, right now I am literally taking comfort in acknowledging I have stepped out of the dark and am excited for the light. All I needed was a wide open space FROM MYSELF and room to breathe and make those mistakes on my own terms. Now that I am ok with my myriad of mistakes I can look back and be filled with gratitude about the lessons all of those mistakes taught me.

What I want for 2011 is a wide berth – a HUGE berth – to make lots of mistakes. I want to continue to give myself a break. Cut myself the slack I cut everyone else. I’m not into resolutions – they make me anxious but I am into goals. My goal for 2011 is to be more consistent in everything I do – consistent with not trying to be perfect, consistent with my writing/blogging instead of regretting on days I don’t get a chance to write, I will be grateful for the days I do write. I’m removing all of the negative expectations I have held onto so dearly for so long. I’m living in the moment and enjoying today. I am very aware of the high stakes I am gambling with, it’s called reality and I love it.

Lyrics: Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks - 1998
Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test


She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

She knows the highest stakes

Confusing world we live in

I definitely am out of the loop on the gossip/entertainment world. When I attempt to catch up I get more confused than when I started. I kind of miss not knowing all the crap we know nowadays. I'm an avid reader of spoilers especially for my favorite shows in season. I ruin my own suspense. I could care less if the tiny lady who married a basketball player is no longer married. I desperately want to know what Nancy Botwin is going to do next though. Strange world we live in.

I am a strange creature of weather related moods. The weather can make or break a day for me even before I'm out of bed. Tonight the crazy rare wind and wet streets appeal to me. Any shift of weather usually irritates the fuck out of me. I have no idea why the rain that has a tendency of bringing me down didn't destroy me' today. I'm having am amazing staycation, a billion times better than I could have ever imagined.

Preventative medicine

Writing is better than saying it outloud for me. I do not want my mind to eat itself. Currently it isn't, historically that means it's about to or presently is but I'm just not aware yet. Sometimes I feel so damn over therapized. I'm always truly 100% grateful for my therapy, but sometimes it bites me in the ass. I feel very free today. Optimistic with warm fuzzies inside me with thoughts of the approaching year. It's always been the impending year to me, I somehow have a softer more gentle feeling about a new year. It's a super nice and happy way to feel. For no other reason other than the freedom of me being me. I feel strong and confident in everything I'm doing. No wonder I'm scared of my coocoo mind eating itself. Who am I????!) strong and confident who? Oi, my inner dichotomy of turmoil and peace, today peace has been winning. Yesterday peace won. I am hopeful for a peaceful tomorrow and go to sleep with a quiet head that will gently hit the pillow.

so not into it

I'm not being a grinch, I'm not anti Christmas I'm just not into it. I have negative motivation to do anything Christmas-y. I'm saying this as I sit in Starbucks attempting my little yearly tradition of writing out my Christmas cards. I'm so not into this. The Christmas music is doing nothing for me. No warm fuzzies, no excitement about this most wonderful time of the year.

Bull fucking shit. I get no joy out of this. I get if there were more little ones around me, if there was a significant other (or even hope of one of those) maybe I would be into it. Reality is I'm not. Fuck the fucking traffic because I live near two malls. I was over seeing poinsettias and red/green/silver/gold pine leafy shiny displays back in september. I've already heard the Chanukah song too many times and I live that song. I borrowed a step ladder to get my Christmas stuff out, do it think I'll take it out of the attic? No I really don't. I can't get into it.

If I was into it I wouldn't think right to having to put all the crap away. I'd be exited at the thought if decorating and feeling 'festive' nope, nothing.

I'm not angry, I'm not resentful. I still heart Elf with all my heart. I'm not asking anyone to understand or care. I'm just not into it.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking......

Tick tock tick tock. Lately I feel like I am always wanting time to slow down OR hurry up. This morning in bed I wanted time to STOP, I needed way more time to sleep. Right now I need time to fast forward so I can leave this godforsaken office. No satisfaction with time these days. Where did 2010 go? We BLINKED and it’s now almost 2011. I feel like the year has literally flown past me. It’s interesting that at the end of this year 2010 I am not filled with tremendous regret shame or hate. I find myself much more content with myself and with others. I spent millions of minutes obsessing about the thoughts of others and my skewed mental interpretations of what I was convinced others were saying about me. I needed you you and you to like me. If someone I didn’t know scowled on the street I would be personally offended – wasn’t my bright and brilliant smile enough to make the stranger have a good day? What is wrong with everyone? You must like me, I need you to like, if you don’t like I won’t feel good about myself. No wonder I never felt good about myself.

FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT FOREVER. It is so nice and refreshing to step outside of that coocoo’s nest of mental anguish. 2010 whether it was ticking down fast or slow, has been a year of much growth. You don’t like me – GOOD – I most likely have 100 reasons ready why I don’t like you all ready to go in my mental mess of a head. Don’t like me, stop talking to me, ignore, delete me from the facebook. Please. I no longer crave the fair-weather crap of yesterday. I don’t want to be everyone’s friend. I don’t want to be anyone’s slave (except Gert). I don’t all the pressure and expectations that ruined so many of my relationships in the past to ruin anything in my future. If you don’t like me, I really don’t fucking care.

Therapy in my own head

I had a therapy session last week in my head with myself while Madonna's "Material Girl" was blasting from 80s on 8. It's usually never ever a good thing for me to have a therapy session with myself, there at least needs to be one additional living breathing creature there, even if it's just Gert (oh the stories my little bug could tell). But this particular little session in my head empowered me. Instead of making myself more confused I somehow was able to reach clarity instead. WHO AM I?
It all started with the first lines to the song "Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me I think they're okay If they don't give me proper credit I just walk away", you see I used to kiss lots of boys, I used to fall in love in a nanosecond, I used to not feel ok without a boy attached to me. I don’t know when or how my mind set changed, but I realize now, at least for the past year my self confidence has grown tremendously – I am so “If they don't give me proper credit I just walk away”. I am such the opposite of what I used to be! Forget settling I know EXACTLY what I want and I will not – no frigging way - tolerate any man who does not do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third in every way. I felt so great after that little session in my head, so great.
This now leads me to…
“They can beg and they can plead, But they can't see the light, that's right, that's right” – so there is a man, a living breathing man residing in the greater san diego area who does do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third. Problem is he can’t see the light, that’s right he’s married. Very married. To quote Seinfeld he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with that. Because you see to him I am amazing, I am everything he wants in a woman or so he tells me before and after the marriage came out. He can’t get me out of his head. And the new Fran who runs away from drama instead of pouring the gasoline on it knew the second she was informed about said marriage this is definitely not Mr. Right. I have been so good – I ended it immediately, said no way jose this is never going to work. I will not and can not be THE OTHER WOMAN. NO way. He has been deleted from my phone after I recently caved and saw him face to face fully clothed and NO TOUCHING. So as much as he pleads and trust me he pleads and pleads – I have not betrayed his marriage vows since finding out. What I want most of all is for new found super strength of knowing in my hearts of hearts I want and need someone to do it for me do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third in every way. I want the married boy out of my head. I want him far far way from my head and my thoughts.
So why the fuck is he still there front and center? As good as I feel in my own self confidence and newly gained knowledge of self I still have him there in my head and I can’t see anyone else. Everyone else is compared to a man I basically have nothing with. I do have nothing with. I can’t even be ok with thinking someday he will leave his wife because I am well aware of Karma and no way am I fucking with Karma like that. In the old days I would have swallowed three bottles of red wine followed by at least a six pack to turn this pain and agony off. These days that is the last place I turn. I guess I should be all kinds of proud of my progress, but today all I can think about is him, wishing and hoping he is thinking about me.




Material Girls

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they're okay
If they don't give me proper credit
I just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can't see the light, that's right, that's right
'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always Mister Right

'Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Some boys romance, some boys slow dance
That's alright with me
If they can't raise my interest then I
Have to let them be

Some boys try and some boys lie but
I don't let them play, no way, no way
Only boys that save their pennies
Make my rainy day

'Cause they are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl


Living in a material world
(Material)
Living in a material world
Living in a material world
(Material)
Living in a material world

Boys may come and boys may go
And that's alright you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they're after me

'Cause everybody's living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

A material, a material
A material, a material world