The last week of January and first full week of February were somewhat of a whirl wind for me. Several times I woke up filled with annoyance at the day, aggravation about a whole week looming in front of me. Why? On my morning walk with Gert I asked myself what is your problem over and over and could not come to any logical resolution in my head so the agita and angst stayed put in my tummy and in my head. I think my problem is that I have no problems on hand to concentrate on so I am messing with myself to create some. Is this what this is? I also can look back and see myself slowly repeating bad and negative behaviors. I was rushing, of course I was I felt anxious. I was on fast forward each day could not end soon enough. I was waiting, waiting anxiously for what? Nothing specific that’s for sure. I was overloading my brain with mush – I was berating myself for not writing as much as I felt I ‘should”. I felt like I could have been doing a better job with a new thing in my life but instead I choose to look at the situation very objectively and one sided. I was snappy and crash and definitely wasn’t being viewed as lovable. And then the creepy thoughts creep in. You’re not NOT depressed you’re still depressed and are living on a pink cloud. Your life does suck and you are not making progress of any kind. Even if you were no one would care.
A ton of great and amazing things happened in the two weeks I was on fast forward and anxious. I kind of half heartedly participated in all the good things. I really didn’t to enjoy many of the good times or good thing s going on – I was too busy on fast forward, just like that trying to be perfect.
Perfect for my mom. Perfect for the guy. Perfect for my friends. Perfect at work. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Ugh. That again.
STOP. Just STOP. Enough. For Christ’s sake enough. Enough mental anguish inflicted on MYSELF. Give yourself a break Frannie you don’t hate yourself you actually really like you. You are a delight and a wonderful person when your mind isn’t eating itself. Stop just stop.
The whole entire time I was on fast forward I was aware I was on fast forward. I’m very pleased about catching the fast forward, catching the depression, acknowledging it and allowing myself to feel it. But I don’t like feeling it. No long lingering resentful weekend spent in bed alone just me and my dog tuning everyone and everything out. Numbing myself to any kind of anything – spare me your pity fuck you, spare me your concern I am fucking fine. Leave me alone, what I wouldn’t give for 5 minutes of your time. That’s the crazy part about all this. People would think with all of my over emotion and over sharing that I would love to feel. That I crave attention I love feeling excited exuberated. Well I don’t. I do not like feeling much more than an even status quo because anything really good - it instantly makes me worry (see how anxiety can creep into a relatively happy and content occasion with me) and anything really bad kind of shuts me down completely – guilt and shame destroy me in seconds (I can get sad that someone else isn’t having a good time).
I hate having to feel all of this. Can’t I just be better and move forward forward forward without the fucking pain and angst I still have ahead of me? I hate the insecurity of wanting to be better person for real – am I lying to myself and others again? So far no. Neither. But today I am aware of how quickly I can revert right back to old bad habits. Rushing when there is nothing to rush for. Not listening and overtalking. I read a good quote the other day “If you want to be loved, be lovable”. I love lovable Fran, she is so soft and pretty and fun. Rushy rush anxietypants is so no fun for anyone, most of all me.
I go back to music because my music moves my soul. Cage the Elephant is speaking for me below. Stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterday – I’m petrified the dark shadows of the bad past will haunt the good I am so striving for. And the dichotomy of me continues because while I hear, see and feel pain in the song I also garner strength. Today I do have my back against the wall but I’m looking out at all of you. I’m not judging, I’m not over critiquing, I can turn away from the crap – I can flip this, I can live a life worth living, all I have to do is give myself a chance. I don’t want a place to hide anymore, I’ve hid for too long and lied for too long. My fabricated disbelief is over. My new not perfect has begun. I am not a coward and I will confront the person I am.
Back Against the Wall – Cage the Elephant
Tonight i'll have a look and try to find my face againBuried beneath this house my spirit screams and dies againOutback a monster wears a cloak of persian leatherBehind the tv screen i've fallen to my knees
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Blanket of silence makes me wanna sink my teeth in deepBurn all the evidence a fabricated disbeliefPull back the curtains took a look into your eyesMy tongue has now become a platform for your lies
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Deep in the jungle camouflaged by all the fallen leavesA hand holds up the sky while shamefully i make my pleaThe alter's callin' but my legs won't seem to standGuess i'm a coward scared to face the man i am
I said you got me where you want me again and i can't turn awayI'm hangin' by a thread and i'm feelin' like a foolI'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterdayI wanna get away i need to get away
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Now you know yeah you got my back against the wallOh god i ain't got no other place to hideChained down like a sittin' duck just waitin' for the fallYou know yeah you got my back against the wall
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Friday, February 04, 2011
The enemy within
After writing what I wrote last week I was on a bit of a natural high. I can’t remember the last time I had a real one of those, it’s been a long long time. Getting that off my chest was the best therapy session of my life. Accountability is so my friend. It’s more proof positive that I really am letting go and moving forward. It’s LOL funny to me myself and I that I spent an entire year resenting myself and everyone else. Longer than just last year it’s been years I was consumed by that. Super resenting – BUT I’M NOT BAD ANYMORE why can’t the world see that – where is my praise? My kudos for all this soul searching self help? In my demanding mess of a mind there was no way possible for it to dawn on me I needed to be the one giving myself kudos, I need to be ok with me before anyone else would be. I heard that line my whole fucking life. Love yourself. Be kind to you. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt. LIE. That is a fucking LIE. Words hurt. Words have hurt me a million times over for so many years. There have been times I would have rather been stabbed than have to hear some of the verbal evil thrown my way over the years. I can think back to instances over 20 years old that still hurt worse than a gun shot wound. Mean comments, ruined moments, evil girls. I was one of the evil girls for sure.
Two important realizations pushed thru the dark and came to light to me in 2010 – I started to comprehend what FILTER meant and why it is so necessary and I also started seeing the DENIAL I was living in for so very long. Filtering – I had no filter – I was an open book, too open. Over sharing over emotional over the top = gross. Denial about anything and everything. If I can't remember it thenit didn't happen was my motto and I was proud of it. I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with me – omg there is so much wrong with me I will never be fixed. I expected empathy, sympathy, pity, help. HA. Instead I got put down, labeled uncontrollable/out of line, loss of respect, ignored, shunned and so on. Screaming in people’s faces rarely gets you anywhere. Why was my fuse so freaking short? Maybe because I over sharing about my existence spent in denial. People who called me on my shit were instantly dead to me. They didn’t exist. I only made friends with people to hurt them. I only accepted dates to make them want me and then I would slam the door and quickly delete them from my life. I would make plans with several people and blow them all off. Over and over and over again. I wouldn’t pick up the phone for days – gladly making anyone and everyone who knew me worry. I would then return a call or a text but if there was no pick up or instant response you went back in the dead to me pile. Every single person every single day pissed me off to no end. I didn’t like anyone! I resented the shit out of my beloved dog. I craved more but the more I got the more I isolated, the more my twisted fucked up brain ruminated out of control. And then I started to filter. And all that self hate – the angst – the pity partying it disappeared before my very eyes. It stopped. I didn’t notice the stop for months later because I was still in serious denial about a lot of things, but it stopped and I will be so damned if it comes back like it was.
Filtering has given me the ability to take a step back from own shit. It has given me the opportunity to listen – really listen to others. Instead of trying to solve all of your shit I have started to listen and listen only. I will offer my opinion, my thought at your question, but I have no expectations of what you will ultimately do. I’m not going to hold it against you, I’m not going to check up on you. Your shit is your shit. I have enough of my own shit to worry about and have no desire to worry about yours. Oh my sleep is so much better. I have taken all of those unfounded expectations in my head and said see ya. By keeping my mouth shut and making sure that whatever going on isn’t about me I am safe. With this new approach I have gained trust and respect instead of hate and lies. Friendships new and old have blossomed and strengthened instead of being sucked lifeless by unreasonable demands and expectations.
Realizing that I was trapped under a deep dark veil of denial has been hard to come to terms with. I don’t know how I got into such a deep hole. I’m not an angry hateful person. I have never been one to side with the devil. But for so long, what felt like forever with no way out, I existed in a hateful deviant world. I eschewed my own existence. I wanted to be the opposite of everything but in doing so I received no satisfaction from myself or others. I looked down on everyone, everything in order to make myself feel better. I denied myself books, music and friends to make myself feel better. My denial was fueled by my pain that masked my reality. You’re only in turmoil and pain if you allow yourself to be. Screaming and demanding that pain needs to cease to exist only grows the pain stronger. In my mess of a mind I was going above and beyond to help myself and everyone else but at the same time I was let down by myself and others on an hourly basis. My therapist and I had a chat one day about my perception of myself. My perception and my reality were very skewed. It was from that conversation on that I slowly started to come to terms with what was really going on with my life. I slowly started to remove myself from the insanity I was creating for myself and others.
Why was I trying to create a Norman Rockwell existence when I have no desire to live a Norman Rockwell life? This was a question I kept screaming at myself and anyone who would listen for years. Years upon years of never being happy with myself or others. Never really enjoying anything at all because I was too busy resenting, bully, lying, or crying. Why were all of my perceptions so skewed and how did they revert back to sanity? Like I have mentioned before depressed people take comfort in their depression. It’s a most vicious cycle, but it’s our comfort zone. In my jumbled mind, during my crazing for more more more – I would attempt at times to stop the insanity. I would try new projects/hobbies, make new friends. But everything failied. Why am I reaching out to a crackhead junkie for friendship – oh yeah I think I can fix them. Why am I looking into sailing lessons when I am deathly afraid of dying on a boat? Why am I wearing my weekend hippie clothes to work – how will anyone take me seriously in flip flops? Everything I wanted I stood in the way of. I refused to take real accountability, I was still trapped under the veil of denial. I was denying myself an existence! I was preventing myself from moving forward, I was my own worst enemy.
But my therapist INSISTED over and over I wasn’t. I was not allowed to call myself my own worst enemy. I was asked to give myself a break. For weeks on end I screamed figuratively and literally LOOK AT ME GIVING MYSELF A BREAK all the while I was still striving for one thing and one thing only – perfection. It’s a strength and a weakness all at the same time. My insanely high standards of myself and others was my downfall – not me. My insane desire to be everyone’s friend, make everyone happy did one thing and one thing only it made me miserable. It wasn’t ok that everyone was happy around me because all I did was resent the shit out of them. I might have been busting my ass on my therapy at work with friends but I was still trying to be perfect. It wasn’t until I stopped with trying to be perfect that I was able to finally truly give myself the much needed break I claimed to be taking all the while I was driving the crazy train bus. Fortunately for me I have an amazing mother, an empathic and very kind therapist who calls me on my shit and really really great friends. I have fucking amazing friends. AMAZING friends. And for the first in so long I feel GOOD. Even when I’m pissy I still feel good. Even I feel rushed I still feel good. There is lots and lots of good and pretty light at the end of my tunnel.
Oh and I feel pretty again. That has to be the bestest part of all of this. I feel pretty outside because I am really am pretty inside and not full of evil like I was convinced for way too long.
Two important realizations pushed thru the dark and came to light to me in 2010 – I started to comprehend what FILTER meant and why it is so necessary and I also started seeing the DENIAL I was living in for so very long. Filtering – I had no filter – I was an open book, too open. Over sharing over emotional over the top = gross. Denial about anything and everything. If I can't remember it thenit didn't happen was my motto and I was proud of it. I’m fine, there is nothing wrong with me – omg there is so much wrong with me I will never be fixed. I expected empathy, sympathy, pity, help. HA. Instead I got put down, labeled uncontrollable/out of line, loss of respect, ignored, shunned and so on. Screaming in people’s faces rarely gets you anywhere. Why was my fuse so freaking short? Maybe because I over sharing about my existence spent in denial. People who called me on my shit were instantly dead to me. They didn’t exist. I only made friends with people to hurt them. I only accepted dates to make them want me and then I would slam the door and quickly delete them from my life. I would make plans with several people and blow them all off. Over and over and over again. I wouldn’t pick up the phone for days – gladly making anyone and everyone who knew me worry. I would then return a call or a text but if there was no pick up or instant response you went back in the dead to me pile. Every single person every single day pissed me off to no end. I didn’t like anyone! I resented the shit out of my beloved dog. I craved more but the more I got the more I isolated, the more my twisted fucked up brain ruminated out of control. And then I started to filter. And all that self hate – the angst – the pity partying it disappeared before my very eyes. It stopped. I didn’t notice the stop for months later because I was still in serious denial about a lot of things, but it stopped and I will be so damned if it comes back like it was.
Filtering has given me the ability to take a step back from own shit. It has given me the opportunity to listen – really listen to others. Instead of trying to solve all of your shit I have started to listen and listen only. I will offer my opinion, my thought at your question, but I have no expectations of what you will ultimately do. I’m not going to hold it against you, I’m not going to check up on you. Your shit is your shit. I have enough of my own shit to worry about and have no desire to worry about yours. Oh my sleep is so much better. I have taken all of those unfounded expectations in my head and said see ya. By keeping my mouth shut and making sure that whatever going on isn’t about me I am safe. With this new approach I have gained trust and respect instead of hate and lies. Friendships new and old have blossomed and strengthened instead of being sucked lifeless by unreasonable demands and expectations.
Realizing that I was trapped under a deep dark veil of denial has been hard to come to terms with. I don’t know how I got into such a deep hole. I’m not an angry hateful person. I have never been one to side with the devil. But for so long, what felt like forever with no way out, I existed in a hateful deviant world. I eschewed my own existence. I wanted to be the opposite of everything but in doing so I received no satisfaction from myself or others. I looked down on everyone, everything in order to make myself feel better. I denied myself books, music and friends to make myself feel better. My denial was fueled by my pain that masked my reality. You’re only in turmoil and pain if you allow yourself to be. Screaming and demanding that pain needs to cease to exist only grows the pain stronger. In my mess of a mind I was going above and beyond to help myself and everyone else but at the same time I was let down by myself and others on an hourly basis. My therapist and I had a chat one day about my perception of myself. My perception and my reality were very skewed. It was from that conversation on that I slowly started to come to terms with what was really going on with my life. I slowly started to remove myself from the insanity I was creating for myself and others.
Why was I trying to create a Norman Rockwell existence when I have no desire to live a Norman Rockwell life? This was a question I kept screaming at myself and anyone who would listen for years. Years upon years of never being happy with myself or others. Never really enjoying anything at all because I was too busy resenting, bully, lying, or crying. Why were all of my perceptions so skewed and how did they revert back to sanity? Like I have mentioned before depressed people take comfort in their depression. It’s a most vicious cycle, but it’s our comfort zone. In my jumbled mind, during my crazing for more more more – I would attempt at times to stop the insanity. I would try new projects/hobbies, make new friends. But everything failied. Why am I reaching out to a crackhead junkie for friendship – oh yeah I think I can fix them. Why am I looking into sailing lessons when I am deathly afraid of dying on a boat? Why am I wearing my weekend hippie clothes to work – how will anyone take me seriously in flip flops? Everything I wanted I stood in the way of. I refused to take real accountability, I was still trapped under the veil of denial. I was denying myself an existence! I was preventing myself from moving forward, I was my own worst enemy.
But my therapist INSISTED over and over I wasn’t. I was not allowed to call myself my own worst enemy. I was asked to give myself a break. For weeks on end I screamed figuratively and literally LOOK AT ME GIVING MYSELF A BREAK all the while I was still striving for one thing and one thing only – perfection. It’s a strength and a weakness all at the same time. My insanely high standards of myself and others was my downfall – not me. My insane desire to be everyone’s friend, make everyone happy did one thing and one thing only it made me miserable. It wasn’t ok that everyone was happy around me because all I did was resent the shit out of them. I might have been busting my ass on my therapy at work with friends but I was still trying to be perfect. It wasn’t until I stopped with trying to be perfect that I was able to finally truly give myself the much needed break I claimed to be taking all the while I was driving the crazy train bus. Fortunately for me I have an amazing mother, an empathic and very kind therapist who calls me on my shit and really really great friends. I have fucking amazing friends. AMAZING friends. And for the first in so long I feel GOOD. Even when I’m pissy I still feel good. Even I feel rushed I still feel good. There is lots and lots of good and pretty light at the end of my tunnel.
Oh and I feel pretty again. That has to be the bestest part of all of this. I feel pretty outside because I am really am pretty inside and not full of evil like I was convinced for way too long.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
And that was that
As I slowly baby step my way into this new way of thinking – positive versus negative – I realize for the first time in a long time I am not setting myself up for failure. I am no longer looking at the day, week or month as a long arduous uphill battle that I have no motivation to conquer. Like last week even when angst and anxiety creep into my brains I’m not freaked out. I’m cognizant and aware and literally for the very first time I am going with the flow. I used to pretend I knew what that term meant, ‘go with the flow’ and no my definition had nothing to do with my period. I thought if I thought I was going with the flow then I was. HA. Not so much. I was trying to control the flow – the speed, intensity, gallons pushed out per minute.
I understand now why 2010 was so very challenging for me. I was just coming to terms with two important things – number one recognizing that I am not the most important person in the world nor do I want to be and number two acknowledging the train wreck past sans denial and coming to terms with it. That’s enough to make a completely sane person go crazy and have a nervous breakdown, scratch that sane people do not need to come to terms with those things they never bother them to begin with hence the sanity.
During my many years of self hate and delusion that was fueled by hate, alcohol, gossip, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, you get it all the vices and then some, I was not putting two and two together. In my mess of a head 2 + 2 = like 90. I was always on fast forward, always craving more – more what? More everything, more attention, more alcohol, more ‘candy’, more boys, more BFFs, more parties, more fun, more more more. It was all about me me me. I even had chapstick that said It’s All About Me and I loved the roll. I was the loudmouth no wanted to sit next to at dinner. I was definitely the last person in the world anyone should have handed a baby to. I was not a good friend. I was not a coworker. I was not a good assistant in that I did not adhere to the most important and critical aspects of my own job – ethics and confidentiality. I allowed myself time and time and time again to be involved in chaotic nights, lies, blackmail, mean spirited hateful gossip.
Girls are down right evil at times and I was pretty fucking unbearable. Worst secret keeper ever. Worst friend. Talk about DENIAL. All those insanity spun years and me sitting pretty convinced I was untouchable. No one talked about ME behind my back, they wouldn’t, they couldn’t. I’m a great friend to them so they think. They would never betray me as I am betraying them via text message as they sit next to me spilling their guts about their latest heartache or break. OMG no never.
Then all that garbage I just mentioned turned on me and I became TOO AWARE of the wreckage. Way too fucking aware. Acknowledging the train wreck and coming to terms with the train wreck are two completely different approaches. Where as I thought I was leaping leap years ahead of myself by claiming responsibility for my past transgressions – LOOK AT ME, I WAS BAD AND NOW I’M GOOD , I was in fact sending myself into a deep dark downward spiral of yuck. It's called Depression and it's no fun at all. I’ve decided to write two posts on this being in the depression and being out of it. It will be my own yin and yang. This post now about the yuck and another post about all of the good that survived and/or happened during the yuck. Nothing is ever all bad or all good. I see that much clearer now. I’m no longer shrouded in horrible guilt and shame about badness in the past.
Depression is an evil monster that feeds on itself, similar to hate it can consume you and bring you to the depths of the most miserable places in the world on the INSIDE while on the OUTSIDE you are surrounded by love light and hope. My own head is truly one of the most frightening places to find yourself. HA to anyone who has tried, good lord my poor poor mother. What she has not gone through in all of this but I’m saving that for the post on the good. Every single moment of every single day was hell inside my head. Nothing was acceptable, nothing was right. Everything was boring, repetitive, non stop, annoying. Looking back I am fairly certain there were insanely long periods of time where I did not enjoy one single thing. Even breathing was upsetting because I did not want to be alive. When your brain is on repeat that there is no point waking up tomorrow it’s pretty hard to function. You’re not a normal person, you’re not thinking normal thoughts. You are aware of the mess you are in and/or created and your comfort zone is knowing you could end it all. You could drive off a bridge. You could drive off a cliff. You could take lots of certain OTC meds and never wake up. You know people who have succeeded and you envy them. You want to be a junkie on the street because at least they love something albeit drugs. Anything is better than you – who you are, where you are, what you want to do. Hopes and dreams do not exist when you’re depressed. Hopes and dreams are a noose around your neck. They suffocate you and wake you up at night. Hope, ha hope. There is no hope. If hope existed I would not be in the state I am in. Dreams, my dreams are nothing. I am nothing. You have everything. Your life is perfect and I fucking hate you. I hate your problems – what I wouldn’t give to have your problems. Oh my god your problems aren’t real problems, I could solve YOUR shit in a heart, I would NEVER end up like you I AM WAY TOO SMART. All is nothing and nothing is all. There is no beginning because the hell fire already consumed it. Life is sucked out of everyone and everything that exists around you. Inanimate objects infuriate you and nothing is ever good enough.
That’s a lot. It feels really good to get that OUT. I feel like a wave of water just splashed over me. I am very grateful for this forum as a way to keep moving myself forward. More soon, and on the good, the light the love and my many many hopes and dreams.
I understand now why 2010 was so very challenging for me. I was just coming to terms with two important things – number one recognizing that I am not the most important person in the world nor do I want to be and number two acknowledging the train wreck past sans denial and coming to terms with it. That’s enough to make a completely sane person go crazy and have a nervous breakdown, scratch that sane people do not need to come to terms with those things they never bother them to begin with hence the sanity.
During my many years of self hate and delusion that was fueled by hate, alcohol, gossip, anxiety, depression, dishonesty, you get it all the vices and then some, I was not putting two and two together. In my mess of a head 2 + 2 = like 90. I was always on fast forward, always craving more – more what? More everything, more attention, more alcohol, more ‘candy’, more boys, more BFFs, more parties, more fun, more more more. It was all about me me me. I even had chapstick that said It’s All About Me and I loved the roll. I was the loudmouth no wanted to sit next to at dinner. I was definitely the last person in the world anyone should have handed a baby to. I was not a good friend. I was not a coworker. I was not a good assistant in that I did not adhere to the most important and critical aspects of my own job – ethics and confidentiality. I allowed myself time and time and time again to be involved in chaotic nights, lies, blackmail, mean spirited hateful gossip.
Girls are down right evil at times and I was pretty fucking unbearable. Worst secret keeper ever. Worst friend. Talk about DENIAL. All those insanity spun years and me sitting pretty convinced I was untouchable. No one talked about ME behind my back, they wouldn’t, they couldn’t. I’m a great friend to them so they think. They would never betray me as I am betraying them via text message as they sit next to me spilling their guts about their latest heartache or break. OMG no never.
Then all that garbage I just mentioned turned on me and I became TOO AWARE of the wreckage. Way too fucking aware. Acknowledging the train wreck and coming to terms with the train wreck are two completely different approaches. Where as I thought I was leaping leap years ahead of myself by claiming responsibility for my past transgressions – LOOK AT ME, I WAS BAD AND NOW I’M GOOD , I was in fact sending myself into a deep dark downward spiral of yuck. It's called Depression and it's no fun at all. I’ve decided to write two posts on this being in the depression and being out of it. It will be my own yin and yang. This post now about the yuck and another post about all of the good that survived and/or happened during the yuck. Nothing is ever all bad or all good. I see that much clearer now. I’m no longer shrouded in horrible guilt and shame about badness in the past.
Depression is an evil monster that feeds on itself, similar to hate it can consume you and bring you to the depths of the most miserable places in the world on the INSIDE while on the OUTSIDE you are surrounded by love light and hope. My own head is truly one of the most frightening places to find yourself. HA to anyone who has tried, good lord my poor poor mother. What she has not gone through in all of this but I’m saving that for the post on the good. Every single moment of every single day was hell inside my head. Nothing was acceptable, nothing was right. Everything was boring, repetitive, non stop, annoying. Looking back I am fairly certain there were insanely long periods of time where I did not enjoy one single thing. Even breathing was upsetting because I did not want to be alive. When your brain is on repeat that there is no point waking up tomorrow it’s pretty hard to function. You’re not a normal person, you’re not thinking normal thoughts. You are aware of the mess you are in and/or created and your comfort zone is knowing you could end it all. You could drive off a bridge. You could drive off a cliff. You could take lots of certain OTC meds and never wake up. You know people who have succeeded and you envy them. You want to be a junkie on the street because at least they love something albeit drugs. Anything is better than you – who you are, where you are, what you want to do. Hopes and dreams do not exist when you’re depressed. Hopes and dreams are a noose around your neck. They suffocate you and wake you up at night. Hope, ha hope. There is no hope. If hope existed I would not be in the state I am in. Dreams, my dreams are nothing. I am nothing. You have everything. Your life is perfect and I fucking hate you. I hate your problems – what I wouldn’t give to have your problems. Oh my god your problems aren’t real problems, I could solve YOUR shit in a heart, I would NEVER end up like you I AM WAY TOO SMART. All is nothing and nothing is all. There is no beginning because the hell fire already consumed it. Life is sucked out of everyone and everything that exists around you. Inanimate objects infuriate you and nothing is ever good enough.
That’s a lot. It feels really good to get that OUT. I feel like a wave of water just splashed over me. I am very grateful for this forum as a way to keep moving myself forward. More soon, and on the good, the light the love and my many many hopes and dreams.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
F%ck perfect
Go back a little to leap further. John Clarke
What I would like to do is write/post at least once a week. About what I do not know. Instead of setting the expectation I need to write/post daily I’ve cut myself some slack and my goal is now weekly. Not sure how I will do this, if I will write a little each day or if I will sit down and just write it all in one day. Maybe both, maybe neither. I just know it feels so good to write. I like words more than people, but not more than my dog.
I want a new tattoo, but a concept is not coming to me. I love my tattoos so much, they really really really make me so happy. For each time was definitely spent on everything from concept to color to why to where. Earlier today I ran into a friend who is starting his own shop and is offering me free ink. Free ink doesn’t happen often especially when one is itching to have something new created. I have a jumble of what I want in my head, but it’s not coming out. I’m trying not to push it, but running into my friend made me remember free ink offers don’t last long!
It is so freaking nice to wake up and NOT hate the day. SO NICE. I don’t hate anyone even when people piss me off! No longer is my first thought I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE (metaphorically of course). I did not necessarily have the best week this week. I had some anxiety creep in. I was missing a good friend and tick tocking about my mom arriving. Very eh at times. I was also OBSESSING like only a freaking girl can over NONSENSE. Lucky for me (who am I?) I discussed said ruminating hot ridiculous thought with a very sane and rational friend. What happened next only the universe that insists on loving me could have sent. The issue creating the yuck in my head resolved itself in the most gentle benevolent way possible. It took me back several steps. It made me question myself in a healthy rational way. The obsessing had stopped during my beach walk with my sane friend and when the issue came back I was so ok with it. There was no way not to be ok with it and I took happy accountability in learning from my little episode instead of letting it consume me in the most unhealthy of ways. I am so happy my mind is no trapped in the dark cloud it was in for so long.
Now that I am walking in the light, literally, and not the dark, figuratively in my head, I am now able to look back on the past year, past two years, past 5 years, past 10 years with way less fear and trepidation. Less anxiety about memories buried deep that creep and ruin all kinds of moments. I do not enjoy being the ruiner of moments. I’ve been aware of the trainwreckness I have created and left in my wake. But today I am also aware of the good times, the friendships that have somehow stayed in place or grown. I have so many things that make me happy on a daily basis and it’s really REALLY nice to feel them, like them, enjoy them, love them, feel them. I’m not scared to feel anymore, even when it hurts. So far I’m doing ok.
I still do not know how ‘this’ happened. I cannot and will define “this” other than to say I know I am no longer depressed. I am way more even keeled, way less anxious. Everyone is noticing and it’s not new. It’s months old. I have survived MYSELF and grown into a much more secure and content woman. I still get to let the girl in me out, I get to make mistakes. I’m not scared anymore. I have no hate in my heart anymore. No hate directed towards myself, not hate for anyone else. Even after not the best week ever I feel great. It was an amazing day my friend who I was missing is returning this evening and we may or not take the evening by storm. Who knows what the evening will bring. It’s so nice to let the universe do it’s magical wonderful work and relieve myself of trying to!
What I would like to do is write/post at least once a week. About what I do not know. Instead of setting the expectation I need to write/post daily I’ve cut myself some slack and my goal is now weekly. Not sure how I will do this, if I will write a little each day or if I will sit down and just write it all in one day. Maybe both, maybe neither. I just know it feels so good to write. I like words more than people, but not more than my dog.
I want a new tattoo, but a concept is not coming to me. I love my tattoos so much, they really really really make me so happy. For each time was definitely spent on everything from concept to color to why to where. Earlier today I ran into a friend who is starting his own shop and is offering me free ink. Free ink doesn’t happen often especially when one is itching to have something new created. I have a jumble of what I want in my head, but it’s not coming out. I’m trying not to push it, but running into my friend made me remember free ink offers don’t last long!
It is so freaking nice to wake up and NOT hate the day. SO NICE. I don’t hate anyone even when people piss me off! No longer is my first thought I WANT TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE (metaphorically of course). I did not necessarily have the best week this week. I had some anxiety creep in. I was missing a good friend and tick tocking about my mom arriving. Very eh at times. I was also OBSESSING like only a freaking girl can over NONSENSE. Lucky for me (who am I?) I discussed said ruminating hot ridiculous thought with a very sane and rational friend. What happened next only the universe that insists on loving me could have sent. The issue creating the yuck in my head resolved itself in the most gentle benevolent way possible. It took me back several steps. It made me question myself in a healthy rational way. The obsessing had stopped during my beach walk with my sane friend and when the issue came back I was so ok with it. There was no way not to be ok with it and I took happy accountability in learning from my little episode instead of letting it consume me in the most unhealthy of ways. I am so happy my mind is no trapped in the dark cloud it was in for so long.
Now that I am walking in the light, literally, and not the dark, figuratively in my head, I am now able to look back on the past year, past two years, past 5 years, past 10 years with way less fear and trepidation. Less anxiety about memories buried deep that creep and ruin all kinds of moments. I do not enjoy being the ruiner of moments. I’ve been aware of the trainwreckness I have created and left in my wake. But today I am also aware of the good times, the friendships that have somehow stayed in place or grown. I have so many things that make me happy on a daily basis and it’s really REALLY nice to feel them, like them, enjoy them, love them, feel them. I’m not scared to feel anymore, even when it hurts. So far I’m doing ok.
I still do not know how ‘this’ happened. I cannot and will define “this” other than to say I know I am no longer depressed. I am way more even keeled, way less anxious. Everyone is noticing and it’s not new. It’s months old. I have survived MYSELF and grown into a much more secure and content woman. I still get to let the girl in me out, I get to make mistakes. I’m not scared anymore. I have no hate in my heart anymore. No hate directed towards myself, not hate for anyone else. Even after not the best week ever I feel great. It was an amazing day my friend who I was missing is returning this evening and we may or not take the evening by storm. Who knows what the evening will bring. It’s so nice to let the universe do it’s magical wonderful work and relieve myself of trying to!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Wide Open Spaces
Isn’t it funny that sometimes you can listen to a song over and over throughout the years and WHAM out of the blue a particular line just jumps out of the speakers and consumes you? I know that music has always meant a lot to me, but up until recently it didn’t dawn on me how much of an impact it has on my overall psyche. Considering the fact that my all time be all end all favorite movie is Almost Famous one would think I would be considered to be a music junkie, a lover of rock and roll, someone who attends 100+ concerts a year. I’m not. I do not have a box of concert stubs, I do not scour the internet searching for upcoming shows and I barely know anyone involved in the local music scene in San Diego. But music is in my soul and music moves me like nothing else.
Looking back in retrospect of my dark depression I purposely would not listen to music because I knew it would make me feel better. I knew it would get me out of the never ending funk. And I knew it would bring me the much needed release from the crazy that was ruminating in my head. I would like to embrace my music again, I plan to feel it, live it and breathe it. No more changing the channel because a song brings up a certain memory that I dislike, I’m keeping the song on and confronting the misery. I refuse to allow one of my most favorite things to do be clouded in darkness. I have my music back and I’m not putting it away ever again.
Yesterday morning, Wide Open Spaces killed me. It killed me as I drove along Kearny Villa. Killed me in a good way. Thank god there were no jarheads traffic flirting because the tears they were a streaming down my face. My little tear filled epiphany warmed my heart. I realized my depression really and truly is behind me – it’s no longer consuming me and I am so ok with this. Instead of taking comfort in the pain and misery, I’m embracing the good and the light, I’m not resenting my mistakes or my short comings, I’m content with not being perfect – perfect people are crazy. I’m not crazy, I am pretty sane and logical when I allow myself to be. I’m different for sure, an absolute freak with little patience but mucho common sense. I’ve never ever wanted to be the norm, on the average, ok with the middle. I have no idea why I was striving so hard for the past ten years to force myself to be there – the norm, average and in the middle. Fuck that. I’m way WAY too Frantastic for that and I finally believe that. I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else. I am awesome and I am going to own my awesomeness from here on out.
She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes
Until that moment on Kearny Villa I was oblivious and in complete denial that line defines me. For a little over 10 years now I have been making mistake after mistake after mistake and was full of regret guilt and shame. Today I do not have the weight of guilt regret or shame hanging in me or over me. Where it went I have no freaking idea, but I love it. I’m not questioning where it went because I don’t want it to come back. We all need to make mistakes, we need to be ok with these mistakes. Living in misery, in dark places, isolating, consumed by sadness, inundated with ruminating nasty thoughts – ugh. I don’t like that. It’s suffocating and uncomfortable.
I want to continue to be ok with me being me. I really like me. I’m not new and I definitely don’t suck. I know I’m a good friend and I now believe I am a good friend. I’m not second guessing any of my relationships – the close ones, the distant ones, the acquaintances, the ones I could really do without but can’t burn bridges. I’m ok with all of them. I have no hate in my heart today even for people I really dislike.
So all this time, all the distance – actual and metaphysical – that I created was me being depressed and unhappy with everything. For so long nothing made me happy, nothing. Everything aggravated me – from waking up to going to bed, aggravation station. I don’t know why this has stopped, but I do know I never ever want to be in that dark place again. I want to take 2011 to rationally acknowledge my personal growth in 2010. Today, right now I am literally taking comfort in acknowledging I have stepped out of the dark and am excited for the light. All I needed was a wide open space FROM MYSELF and room to breathe and make those mistakes on my own terms. Now that I am ok with my myriad of mistakes I can look back and be filled with gratitude about the lessons all of those mistakes taught me.
What I want for 2011 is a wide berth – a HUGE berth – to make lots of mistakes. I want to continue to give myself a break. Cut myself the slack I cut everyone else. I’m not into resolutions – they make me anxious but I am into goals. My goal for 2011 is to be more consistent in everything I do – consistent with not trying to be perfect, consistent with my writing/blogging instead of regretting on days I don’t get a chance to write, I will be grateful for the days I do write. I’m removing all of the negative expectations I have held onto so dearly for so long. I’m living in the moment and enjoying today. I am very aware of the high stakes I am gambling with, it’s called reality and I love it.
Lyrics: Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks - 1998
Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone
Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes
She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test
She knows the high stakes
As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know
She knows the highest stakes
Looking back in retrospect of my dark depression I purposely would not listen to music because I knew it would make me feel better. I knew it would get me out of the never ending funk. And I knew it would bring me the much needed release from the crazy that was ruminating in my head. I would like to embrace my music again, I plan to feel it, live it and breathe it. No more changing the channel because a song brings up a certain memory that I dislike, I’m keeping the song on and confronting the misery. I refuse to allow one of my most favorite things to do be clouded in darkness. I have my music back and I’m not putting it away ever again.
Yesterday morning, Wide Open Spaces killed me. It killed me as I drove along Kearny Villa. Killed me in a good way. Thank god there were no jarheads traffic flirting because the tears they were a streaming down my face. My little tear filled epiphany warmed my heart. I realized my depression really and truly is behind me – it’s no longer consuming me and I am so ok with this. Instead of taking comfort in the pain and misery, I’m embracing the good and the light, I’m not resenting my mistakes or my short comings, I’m content with not being perfect – perfect people are crazy. I’m not crazy, I am pretty sane and logical when I allow myself to be. I’m different for sure, an absolute freak with little patience but mucho common sense. I’ve never ever wanted to be the norm, on the average, ok with the middle. I have no idea why I was striving so hard for the past ten years to force myself to be there – the norm, average and in the middle. Fuck that. I’m way WAY too Frantastic for that and I finally believe that. I’m not lying to myself anymore or anyone else. I am awesome and I am going to own my awesomeness from here on out.
She needs wide open spaces Room to make her big mistakes
Until that moment on Kearny Villa I was oblivious and in complete denial that line defines me. For a little over 10 years now I have been making mistake after mistake after mistake and was full of regret guilt and shame. Today I do not have the weight of guilt regret or shame hanging in me or over me. Where it went I have no freaking idea, but I love it. I’m not questioning where it went because I don’t want it to come back. We all need to make mistakes, we need to be ok with these mistakes. Living in misery, in dark places, isolating, consumed by sadness, inundated with ruminating nasty thoughts – ugh. I don’t like that. It’s suffocating and uncomfortable.
I want to continue to be ok with me being me. I really like me. I’m not new and I definitely don’t suck. I know I’m a good friend and I now believe I am a good friend. I’m not second guessing any of my relationships – the close ones, the distant ones, the acquaintances, the ones I could really do without but can’t burn bridges. I’m ok with all of them. I have no hate in my heart today even for people I really dislike.
So all this time, all the distance – actual and metaphysical – that I created was me being depressed and unhappy with everything. For so long nothing made me happy, nothing. Everything aggravated me – from waking up to going to bed, aggravation station. I don’t know why this has stopped, but I do know I never ever want to be in that dark place again. I want to take 2011 to rationally acknowledge my personal growth in 2010. Today, right now I am literally taking comfort in acknowledging I have stepped out of the dark and am excited for the light. All I needed was a wide open space FROM MYSELF and room to breathe and make those mistakes on my own terms. Now that I am ok with my myriad of mistakes I can look back and be filled with gratitude about the lessons all of those mistakes taught me.
What I want for 2011 is a wide berth – a HUGE berth – to make lots of mistakes. I want to continue to give myself a break. Cut myself the slack I cut everyone else. I’m not into resolutions – they make me anxious but I am into goals. My goal for 2011 is to be more consistent in everything I do – consistent with not trying to be perfect, consistent with my writing/blogging instead of regretting on days I don’t get a chance to write, I will be grateful for the days I do write. I’m removing all of the negative expectations I have held onto so dearly for so long. I’m living in the moment and enjoying today. I am very aware of the high stakes I am gambling with, it’s called reality and I love it.
Lyrics: Wide Open Spaces – Dixie Chicks - 1998
Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone
Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes
She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test
She knows the high stakes
As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know
She knows the highest stakes
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Confusing world we live in
I definitely am out of the loop on the gossip/entertainment world. When I attempt to catch up I get more confused than when I started. I kind of miss not knowing all the crap we know nowadays. I'm an avid reader of spoilers especially for my favorite shows in season. I ruin my own suspense. I could care less if the tiny lady who married a basketball player is no longer married. I desperately want to know what Nancy Botwin is going to do next though. Strange world we live in.
I am a strange creature of weather related moods. The weather can make or break a day for me even before I'm out of bed. Tonight the crazy rare wind and wet streets appeal to me. Any shift of weather usually irritates the fuck out of me. I have no idea why the rain that has a tendency of bringing me down didn't destroy me' today. I'm having am amazing staycation, a billion times better than I could have ever imagined.
I am a strange creature of weather related moods. The weather can make or break a day for me even before I'm out of bed. Tonight the crazy rare wind and wet streets appeal to me. Any shift of weather usually irritates the fuck out of me. I have no idea why the rain that has a tendency of bringing me down didn't destroy me' today. I'm having am amazing staycation, a billion times better than I could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Preventative medicine
Writing is better than saying it outloud for me. I do not want my mind to eat itself. Currently it isn't, historically that means it's about to or presently is but I'm just not aware yet. Sometimes I feel so damn over therapized. I'm always truly 100% grateful for my therapy, but sometimes it bites me in the ass. I feel very free today. Optimistic with warm fuzzies inside me with thoughts of the approaching year. It's always been the impending year to me, I somehow have a softer more gentle feeling about a new year. It's a super nice and happy way to feel. For no other reason other than the freedom of me being me. I feel strong and confident in everything I'm doing. No wonder I'm scared of my coocoo mind eating itself. Who am I????!) strong and confident who? Oi, my inner dichotomy of turmoil and peace, today peace has been winning. Yesterday peace won. I am hopeful for a peaceful tomorrow and go to sleep with a quiet head that will gently hit the pillow.
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