Confusing world we live in

I definitely am out of the loop on the gossip/entertainment world. When I attempt to catch up I get more confused than when I started. I kind of miss not knowing all the crap we know nowadays. I'm an avid reader of spoilers especially for my favorite shows in season. I ruin my own suspense. I could care less if the tiny lady who married a basketball player is no longer married. I desperately want to know what Nancy Botwin is going to do next though. Strange world we live in.

I am a strange creature of weather related moods. The weather can make or break a day for me even before I'm out of bed. Tonight the crazy rare wind and wet streets appeal to me. Any shift of weather usually irritates the fuck out of me. I have no idea why the rain that has a tendency of bringing me down didn't destroy me' today. I'm having am amazing staycation, a billion times better than I could have ever imagined.

Preventative medicine

Writing is better than saying it outloud for me. I do not want my mind to eat itself. Currently it isn't, historically that means it's about to or presently is but I'm just not aware yet. Sometimes I feel so damn over therapized. I'm always truly 100% grateful for my therapy, but sometimes it bites me in the ass. I feel very free today. Optimistic with warm fuzzies inside me with thoughts of the approaching year. It's always been the impending year to me, I somehow have a softer more gentle feeling about a new year. It's a super nice and happy way to feel. For no other reason other than the freedom of me being me. I feel strong and confident in everything I'm doing. No wonder I'm scared of my coocoo mind eating itself. Who am I????!) strong and confident who? Oi, my inner dichotomy of turmoil and peace, today peace has been winning. Yesterday peace won. I am hopeful for a peaceful tomorrow and go to sleep with a quiet head that will gently hit the pillow.

so not into it

I'm not being a grinch, I'm not anti Christmas I'm just not into it. I have negative motivation to do anything Christmas-y. I'm saying this as I sit in Starbucks attempting my little yearly tradition of writing out my Christmas cards. I'm so not into this. The Christmas music is doing nothing for me. No warm fuzzies, no excitement about this most wonderful time of the year.

Bull fucking shit. I get no joy out of this. I get if there were more little ones around me, if there was a significant other (or even hope of one of those) maybe I would be into it. Reality is I'm not. Fuck the fucking traffic because I live near two malls. I was over seeing poinsettias and red/green/silver/gold pine leafy shiny displays back in september. I've already heard the Chanukah song too many times and I live that song. I borrowed a step ladder to get my Christmas stuff out, do it think I'll take it out of the attic? No I really don't. I can't get into it.

If I was into it I wouldn't think right to having to put all the crap away. I'd be exited at the thought if decorating and feeling 'festive' nope, nothing.

I'm not angry, I'm not resentful. I still heart Elf with all my heart. I'm not asking anyone to understand or care. I'm just not into it.

Time keeps on ticking, ticking......

Tick tock tick tock. Lately I feel like I am always wanting time to slow down OR hurry up. This morning in bed I wanted time to STOP, I needed way more time to sleep. Right now I need time to fast forward so I can leave this godforsaken office. No satisfaction with time these days. Where did 2010 go? We BLINKED and it’s now almost 2011. I feel like the year has literally flown past me. It’s interesting that at the end of this year 2010 I am not filled with tremendous regret shame or hate. I find myself much more content with myself and with others. I spent millions of minutes obsessing about the thoughts of others and my skewed mental interpretations of what I was convinced others were saying about me. I needed you you and you to like me. If someone I didn’t know scowled on the street I would be personally offended – wasn’t my bright and brilliant smile enough to make the stranger have a good day? What is wrong with everyone? You must like me, I need you to like, if you don’t like I won’t feel good about myself. No wonder I never felt good about myself.

FUCK THAT. FUCK THAT FOREVER. It is so nice and refreshing to step outside of that coocoo’s nest of mental anguish. 2010 whether it was ticking down fast or slow, has been a year of much growth. You don’t like me – GOOD – I most likely have 100 reasons ready why I don’t like you all ready to go in my mental mess of a head. Don’t like me, stop talking to me, ignore, delete me from the facebook. Please. I no longer crave the fair-weather crap of yesterday. I don’t want to be everyone’s friend. I don’t want to be anyone’s slave (except Gert). I don’t all the pressure and expectations that ruined so many of my relationships in the past to ruin anything in my future. If you don’t like me, I really don’t fucking care.

Therapy in my own head

I had a therapy session last week in my head with myself while Madonna's "Material Girl" was blasting from 80s on 8. It's usually never ever a good thing for me to have a therapy session with myself, there at least needs to be one additional living breathing creature there, even if it's just Gert (oh the stories my little bug could tell). But this particular little session in my head empowered me. Instead of making myself more confused I somehow was able to reach clarity instead. WHO AM I?
It all started with the first lines to the song "Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me I think they're okay If they don't give me proper credit I just walk away", you see I used to kiss lots of boys, I used to fall in love in a nanosecond, I used to not feel ok without a boy attached to me. I don’t know when or how my mind set changed, but I realize now, at least for the past year my self confidence has grown tremendously – I am so “If they don't give me proper credit I just walk away”. I am such the opposite of what I used to be! Forget settling I know EXACTLY what I want and I will not – no frigging way - tolerate any man who does not do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third in every way. I felt so great after that little session in my head, so great.
This now leads me to…
“They can beg and they can plead, But they can't see the light, that's right, that's right” – so there is a man, a living breathing man residing in the greater san diego area who does do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third. Problem is he can’t see the light, that’s right he’s married. Very married. To quote Seinfeld he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with that. Because you see to him I am amazing, I am everything he wants in a woman or so he tells me before and after the marriage came out. He can’t get me out of his head. And the new Fran who runs away from drama instead of pouring the gasoline on it knew the second she was informed about said marriage this is definitely not Mr. Right. I have been so good – I ended it immediately, said no way jose this is never going to work. I will not and can not be THE OTHER WOMAN. NO way. He has been deleted from my phone after I recently caved and saw him face to face fully clothed and NO TOUCHING. So as much as he pleads and trust me he pleads and pleads – I have not betrayed his marriage vows since finding out. What I want most of all is for new found super strength of knowing in my hearts of hearts I want and need someone to do it for me do it for me mentally first, physically second and absolutely sexually third in every way. I want the married boy out of my head. I want him far far way from my head and my thoughts.
So why the fuck is he still there front and center? As good as I feel in my own self confidence and newly gained knowledge of self I still have him there in my head and I can’t see anyone else. Everyone else is compared to a man I basically have nothing with. I do have nothing with. I can’t even be ok with thinking someday he will leave his wife because I am well aware of Karma and no way am I fucking with Karma like that. In the old days I would have swallowed three bottles of red wine followed by at least a six pack to turn this pain and agony off. These days that is the last place I turn. I guess I should be all kinds of proud of my progress, but today all I can think about is him, wishing and hoping he is thinking about me.




Material Girls

Some boys kiss me, some boys hug me
I think they're okay
If they don't give me proper credit
I just walk away

They can beg and they can plead
But they can't see the light, that's right, that's right
'Cause the boy with the cold hard cash
Is always Mister Right

'Cause we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Some boys romance, some boys slow dance
That's alright with me
If they can't raise my interest then I
Have to let them be

Some boys try and some boys lie but
I don't let them play, no way, no way
Only boys that save their pennies
Make my rainy day

'Cause they are living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl


Living in a material world
(Material)
Living in a material world
Living in a material world
(Material)
Living in a material world

Boys may come and boys may go
And that's alright you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they're after me

'Cause everybody's living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl

A material, a material
A material, a material world

Planes trains and au-to-mo-biles

For more than the past ten years I have always lived very close to major international airports. I am very used to seeing planes in the sky. As a kid I lived in a spot where planes flew way overhead on their way north to Canada or East to Europe. I used to pretend the fuel trails they left spelled my name. I’ve always been fascinated by the planes, the people on them, the destinations they are heading to. I remember lying on my back in my backyard, fresh cut grass all around me, but I’m still sinking into it and I’m looking up at the random planes flying overhead wondering when will I be big enough, grown up enough to be on one. When can I fly to Paris? To a tropical island – who will go with me? I used to go to sleep with various scenarios like this stuck in my head. I think my wanderlust started well before I knew what wanderlust is. I remember the days after 9/11 when there were no planes in the sky, it unnerved me. We were all already unnerved by that tragic day and having no planes flying overhead just made everything seem all the more strange to me. I see planes every single day. Planes in the sky equals peace to me. Whether it’s on my walks with Gert or on my drive to work. I can’t NOT see a plane. True to form, just like when I was little, I’m wishing I was on one. Always.

There is a truck in my neighborhood and it’s driving me freaking nuts. The thing is GINORMOUS. Not kidding this one truck is the size of at least 3 compact cars or 2 SUVs. It parks on the street. It takes up so much room. The tires are bigger than dog pool. There is no f-ing way anyone even the jolly green giant could get into this thing without some type of step or pull up. I have never seen the owner. This morning on my walk with Gert I wrote him the following note in my head: “Dear GiNormous Truck Owner – I had to leave you a note, because anyone with a truck this size has enlarged said truck in order to be noticed and I feel compelled to tell you that you have been noticed. My fascination has not so much to do with the actual size/mass of your truck, my fascination roots in why is this truck so big. Why such a GiNormous vehicle? Parked daily on a city street. What lives inside you and prompts this grossly oversized vehicle? I get the Porsche owner – uptight Ivy leaguer LOOK AT ME ASSHOLES parking his pretty car in his $40,000 italian tiled garage in RSF. I get the mom caravan driver – harried too many errands too many kids not enough time ever. I get the accountant who drives the white floor model accord that is 9 years old and still a good car. I will never get THE GiNORMOUS truck owner though. Especially on a city street. Yet you have been noticed.”

I have a very strong desire to take a train trip. A former colleague of mine told me about a short fun ride on the train from SD to San Juan Capistrano. Everything he described is so right up my alley. I’ve had this little trip in my head for a while. Why haven’t I taken it? Oh of course my usual excuse I don’t want to go alone. BUT I read a really good article this week and a line has stuck with me. GET THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR CUBLICLE AND START LIVING YOUR LIFE. I really want to do this, I want to embrace the life I live, I don’t want to hate on anything anymore. Wanting to take this train ride, waiting on finding ‘someone’ to go with me – fuck that. I’m going on my own.

Control

Ok so me and emotions - I have no control over my emotions, I never have. I say no control is an understatement. Is there an over the top understatement - my emotional control defines it. I don't think it's in my DNA to have this type of self control. While I have made major strides in retraining my mind with less skewed core competencies, it dawns on me this absolute lack of emotional control has hindered me held me back, made me look like a crazy lunatic at times. I know there have been many points in my life where I wanted to be the trainwreck, I took comfort in my own self destruction and the destruction of others. Pain, isolation and anxiety were my BFFs and without them I didn't feel right. For real if something wasn't wrong I made something wrong happen just to feel ok with the world. Inside my head was like the Turkish Twist after all 12 riders threw up during motion.

So there was a moment yesterday while walking Gert that a thought popped into my less destructive mind. Could it be that my absolute lack of emotional control is due to the fact I am an anal over the top perfectionist – emotions cannot be turned on and off with a switch – at least mine can’t. I’m thinking that my urge to always be perfect, number, the most awesome, directly affects my ability to handle anything emotionally. It’s like a part of my brain knows and understands emotions cannot be forcibly controlled, they can me managed and maintained, but not corralled or sequestered. Emotions need to flow sometimes they need to gush like Niagra, sometimes they need to be pulled back to save face. Because I cannot completely CONTROL them, I think my emotions are like a cup runneth over, a faucet left unattended – they pour and they gush in fast and frantic ways because I attempt to stifle them or I ignore them and push them away creating a chaotic mess in my mind.

Wow. If I could only just STOP. Just freaking STOP. Stop trying to control the world I know I would find that quiet safe place – literally and figuratively. Why is it so hard to give myself a break? I cut everyone slack – maybe not right off the bat but for the most part I am very reasonable and agreeable to looking at all sides of a situation. I am too accountable. Way too accountable for things I have nothing to do with. I carry burdens that have nothing to do with me. Control control control.

Who is she?

She likes smell of fresh cut grass apple orchards any beach good food animals sunrises over the mountains certain people loosing myself in a museum a single tree in the distance books God full moons pretty things morals being tan happy times learning a good salad bubbles historical anything sunsets at the beach prom hair smell inside an old book songs that touch my soul gardenias ocean breezes spoken word poetry civil liberty hawaiian tropic good deeds NE football warm sunshine on my face well written acted directed movies fresh flowers feeling pretty

She dislikes sound of chewing liars banned books propaganda traffic ignorant people fast food hurters of children/animals ebonics slapstick rubberneckers figurative/literal coldness fox news video games bad food meetings evil bad grammar mean people NY Giants violence mindfucks Mexican candy smell of mold war crimes too much rain unsensored stop lights lack of common sense hatred scared children San Diego sports teams gps the media machine

She misses my mom trees pizza backyards seafood market basket nantucket my cat parish cafe cranes beach fireplace on a cold night kate spade on newbury cheese steak subs renting beach houses Marshalls on Boylston St best friend Vermont my mom being 5 the smell of Boston city streets after a warm weather downpour santarpios having a brother 80s hair NYC hello kiss kiss my mom greek pizza places homecooked meals my cat color popping fall trees ski weekends house phones darkest nights connection to the past impromptu plans with a BFF steve's greek maps Cape cod

She doesnt miss cold weather dunkin donuts cold weather white trash family drama salt on my shoes the southie accent having strangers at
stores tell me they know me thru my third cousin once removed unprotected left turns
shoveling drunk red sox fans traffic that doesn't move

She is Grateful for: my mom my dog my cat my friends my intelligence anti depressants San Diego weather God my humor my smile my wit my memory my sense of style my common sense my therapist 

I am a good girl both a delightful yet at times dark strong woman with an interesting not ordinary mind who spent a significant amount of time denying myself what I truly craved most, a simple quiet life. I am finally learning to give myself a break I'm no longer trying so hard. I am trying to be a quitter of things that do not move me forward. 

Perceptions and Deceptions

"I have no desire to make windows into mens souls" Elizabeth I

Neither do I. Damn was she right. I also have negative desire to look into any man’s soul. I wouldn’t mind touching his heart maybe have him touch my heart, learn more about him, but delve into his soul, his heart of hearts? No thanks. I truly have no idea where most men are coming from. I guess all women suffer from this at certain points in their lives/relationships. I was thrown for quite the loop with the last horny toad. Not only was he an incredibly anxious horny toad, he was a disgusting racist. My vision was clouded by his pomp and circumstance that I didn’t pick up on the evil racism until it was almost too late. This is man with a black soul, a soul I want no part of. Long story short he is a Jew hater. Never thought I’d meet one of those. I'm not talking American History X racist - full on white power. No a business man, who did not look or act the part. After the first disgusting and racist remark thrown my way I responded with “Whoa, easy there, you can’t be serious in that statement, next thing you’ll be telling me you’re a Holocaust denier”…His response “Well not nearly as many Jews died as claimed, the numbers are all blown out of proportion”. Yeah……..Black soul indeed.

Monday night while walking Gert I was pleasantly surprised when one of my neighbors stopped me to chat. She is an older woman who I totally pegged as the mean disgruntled Mrs McCluskey of my ‘hood. In three years the few times I have seen her she has always had quite the scowl on her face. The scowl always tells me to AVOID AVOID AVOID. There is usually drama of a sort behind a scowl. Well wouldn’t you know, as we usually do find out whenever we stereotype in our heads I was wrong wrong wrong. I had a lovely chat with Kathy and realized after chatting with her I totally resented the world and my neighborhood a few short months ago. “How come no one talks to each other, why don’t people smile on my street, where is the sense of community and togetherness. Well of course I wouldn’t feel or see any of those things without opening my own mind and heart to them. On Sunday while walking Gert in the evening I noticed all the cute little trick or treaters out, spoke with several of them. It warmed my heart to see a young couple go all out decorating their yard, the guy hid in the bushes and was scaring the little ones as they approached the door. The peels of little kid screams and laughter was awesome. Talk about an overwhelming and warming sense of community.

Mindfullness is definitely getting back on track. The big dipper has been my friend every single day. Coocoopants now wakes up at 5 am no matter what so I’m getting stars galore. I’ve been very fortunate in getting to see the sun rise sun over the mountains TWICE this week. When I say rise I mean I watch it full on as a tiny speck and wham it turns into a blazing ball of awesomeness. I saw Gert make a new funny face, talk about a moment.

Pink was not my signature color tonight

This morning when I walked Gert the Big Dipper was smack dab in front of me. I was so happy to see it because I recently realized I hadn't seen it in a while. When I couldn't remember exactly where it was I got aggravated with myself. This morning when it appeared before my eye - no searching, no aggravation, no stress - ah the relief. I saw one of my favorite things in the world and gave myself a break all at the same time. WHO AM I?

Who am I, good question. According to my mom I am mayhem. This evening while on the phone with her while walking my dog I noticed a certain gentleman noticing me as he attempted a uturn to park at the curb. His bumper ended up over the 1 ft curb and there was a very apparent large scrape. All this while on the phone with my mom. His windows were down and his face was super red so I waited due to my oh so quiet voice until I was a solid block away before I told my mom what just happened. Without skipping a beat she said "you're mayhem, hahahahaha you are mayhem!". She then paused from our phone conversation and shared this happenstance with my step father. All the while I kept saying "mom i'm not wearing pink nor am I jogging". Good laughs all around.

In the strangest sense of the possible, I find myself to be slightly annoyed with the facts at hand yet I am taking great satisfaction in them and I feel quite sated. Definitely not annoyed, but ponder some. Not really questioning myself, questioning the universe a little, and finding solace in feeling so grounded and not scared. Less fearful, way more hopeful. Proud of myself and committed to taking chances with the unknown.

Changes

I had yet another pep talk with a good guy friend over the weekend. Yet another human who I thought was a man turned out to be nothing more than a horny boy. My guy friend used the phrase: "I always say anxious boys miss dessert". Not only did that phrase change my whole frame of mind in a single second, it empowered me like I have never felt before.

4 little words that suddenly have come to mean so much to me. I love them. I heart them. They are so true so very true.

I don't know why I am able to walk away from this idiot without any mind fuckery. Maybe I have reached my threshold of being ok with waiting it out and refusing to settle. Like Miss Drew Barrymore said over the summer in an Elle article "I'm single at 35 because I choose to not be with the wrong person for me". Me too, me too Drew.

All good

It's all good honestly, you're being you, I would never discredit someone for being themself. In the most simple of terms, we're different. That's not saying either one of us is right or wrong good or bad.  

Do what I do, have a soundtrack of your life, songs that touch your soul. Put one or some of them on. Or lits of them. Or the same song over and over. And then so be it.

And she was lying in the grass
and she could hear the highway breathing.
And she could see a nearby factory

She's making sure she is not dreaming.
See the lights of a neighbor's house

now she's starting to rise.
Take a minute to concentrate and she opens up her eyes.

The world was moving she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving she was floatin' above it and she was - and she was.

And she was drifting through the backyard

And she was taking off her dress.
And she was moving very slowly
rising up above the earth.
Moving into the universe and she's drifting this way and that.
Not touching the ground at all and she's up above the yard.
The world was moving
she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving
she was floatin' above it and she was -

And she was glad about it
no doubt about it

She isn't sure about what she's done

No time to think about what to tell them

No time to think about what she's done and she was -

And she was looking at herself

and things were looking like a movie.
She had a pleasant elevation

she's moving out in all directions.

The world was moving

she was right there with it and she was -
The world was moving

she was floatin' above it and she was -
Joining the world of missing persons and she was -
Missing enough to feel alright and she was - and she was -
And she was - and she was - and she was -
and she was - and she was.

~ Talking Heads

Another Friday

Strange how the universe works. I thought I have been resenting much of the world for what feels like forever. Recently I’ve realized it wasn’t the world I had problem with, it was myself. In order to turn this around, the process has been uncomfortable, challenging, upsetting and hard. Yet throughout the arduous process, as it was happening and I was still resenting the world, somewhere along the way, somehow, I started to stop hating on myself so much. Wouldn’t you know as soon as I started to give myself just a baby break I stopped resenting the world so much.

It’s ironic to me that when you’re in the shit in your head it’s impossible to get out. You take comfort in the darkness even though you resent the shit out of it. Such a vicious cycle of yuck. But that baby step out, just the tinest baby step, really garners true perspective even in the most craziest of minds.

I hope it continues, this great feeling of walking in the light. I know they told Carol Ann to stay away from the light, but I want to walk in the light. It’s way safer than the dark.

My head isn't full of scattered thoughts today. It's a nice and refreshing way to feel. I should be freaking out right now. Not much moola in the bank account, yet another man has turned into a definite NO and yet again we didnt even make it to a second date. Morons, surrounded by morons and assclowns in the dating world. Oh and liars, I especially love the liars. The latest one, oh it's good, he casually mentions to me that the over the previous night - he worked 11-7 - he was released. I thought he meant released like got to go home early. Nope. Released like fired. Fired as in no longer gainfully employed. Yup. WHAT IS IT WITH ME? WHY DO THEY ALL FIND ME? Thankfully I found this all out before date two. Oh and the reason for the firing, it's another goodie, his background check for his new employer came back showing a DV charge. What's a DV charge you ask? I had to ask, not up on felon/criminal lingo these days - why didn't I realize the acronym - what am I new? Domestic Violence. Yeah more good times. So to me, domestic violence is like someone bringing a gun to a school - it should never happen and requires ZERO tolerance. I wonder when he will stop texting hey you, what's going on? Ugh.

I am thrilled that my baby girl appears to be fully on the mend, she has turned the pinched nerve around and is no longer having 'episodes" - thank christ. Seriously. My dog in pain and/or distress is like a knife in my heart. I would take a knife in my heart any day than 1 second of pain for my little bug. I love her so damn much. Yay she is officially - 48 hours - better. Yay.

Wednesday

What is it about Wednesday? You either are happy or annoyed no way around it. This week is not dragging which is pleasant for me. Gert appears to be completely rebounding and I hope this isn't just in my head. My poor baby girl.

I am not thrilled about the state of my finances right now. Damn vet raped me and I am living like I was 23 until my next paycheck. Way too embarrased to ask my mom to cover me.

The full moon on Friday is what I am really looking forward to. I could and want to sit for hours and watch it. One time (not at band camp) I was camping out east with a friend and it happened to be a full moon. The coolest thing ever was watching the moon rise over the mountains. Laying on the bare ground next to a roaring fire watching that awesome and powerful moon is a moment I shall never forget. I hope I get some moon time in this week. Cloud cover better disappear.

poem of the moment

Gloomy skies swollen eyes pulsing blood vessels achy neck muscles not feeling today have nothing to say head is pounding irrational sounding thoughts overwhelming everything unsatisfying disliking today i have noting to say

My dog means the world to me

Absolutely dying right now. Gert is having lab work done after I had to bring her to the emergency vet. She kind of fell/rolled off the couch and then started drunk/wobbly walking barely though and she was taking slow shallow breathes. My head was screaming omg no why is this really happening? I scooped her up ran/walked fast to the jeep, 90 mph on the 8, Taylor circle, screaming head why why why park at vet ER carry her inside tears streaming downy face omg why is this happening tech comes right up quick recap they take her away cold grey doors swing tick tick they make a noise people are talking around me my head is screaming why why please Jesus Christ Jesus filing Christ please make her ok why why why stupid asshole people to my left laughing stop talking Spanish assholes can't you see me here crying hot tears vining my cheeks cannot breathe for real heart aching please please pleAse make my baby ok dying why aren't they coming out what the fuck is wrong something must bs wrong they won't look at me tears streaming down my face pleAse please please make her ok i love her so much she isy best friend door swings dog with iv comes out happy you're ok buddy but where's gert where is my baby girl is she ok god is she ok please please pleAse make her ok

Fuck.

Friday

Yay it's Friday, finally. Seems like the longest.week.ever.

For some STRANGE reason my head isn't spinning. I had a bit of an emotional week with having to say goodbye to both my mom and my cat. I really miss my cat a lot. But I'm dealing with it way better than I ever thought possible. Had one day of serious waterworks but that was a therapy day and everything evened itself out. I have good stuff to think about therapy wise and I'm not resenting my work or my meds. At least not today.

Still have to force myself to write though. So hard. Me not able to write makes no sense. Me not writing makes no sense. It's a major release that I definitely need. So I have taken to my little blog to see if I can motivate and be consistent with some writings. I picked up a book on hand lettering - going to get back into it, memories of Sister Winifred have come back to me when I look at the lettering book. I've never looked at fudge the same way since 8th grade that's for sure.

I have a good weekend ahead, a date, a ride on my new bike (rain rain stay away) and some errands. Time with Gert and food shopping for the week. Laundry isn't too high only 1-2 loads tops.

All is well. This cannot be. Who stole my life?

Strange signs around my neighborhood

There are some super bright fluorescent signs with the message "Anthony Please Call Me" in big black letters all over my neighborhood. I'm taking poster board, poster paint and some tools to get these signs up. What in the world is this for? I get that someone - most likely a girl - is looking for this guy Anthony. What gets me is don't we all occasionally have crazy thoughts - well maybe if I do this that will happen yet rarely follow through. What in the world possessed this creature to create all of these signs? Is she preggers? Is Anthony a son, lover, husband? Did she lose her man to the poker room down the street? Did he disappear into casino smoked filled gamblers heaven? Who knows. I know the signs are bugging the crap out of me.